1 year - How to beat the hardest thing about PMO.
The hardest thing is not abstaining or doing away with PMO. It is filling that place in yourself, which secretly is very very meaningful for you, with something else. When you take away the PMO you get a hole in your life, timewise (for some), but more than that, you loose the feeling of having a safety place. You lose that "highest peak", you lose your source of comfort and relaxation, you loose your secret teddybear that you are relying on for so much (you don't even know it, until you've felt the taste of your true self and your true life). The hardest thing is not taking that out, because anyone can do that. But what keeps you going back is that you cannot fill this hole with something new. As the user "Targonthedragon" says, you have been freed from your chains - thank God for this - but you put them back on because you don't know what it's like to be a free man. This is the most difficult thing. You don't know what to do with your newfound freedom. That is, the hardest is not taking out, it's putting in. Success in nofap demands that you make your life (positively) about something. Eventually, you'll find out that this meaning of your life cannot be "comfort". Because comfort isn't strong enough to keep you free, the only motivator that can keep you running longtime is (i think) strength and life and creativity. But this takes boldness, because up until now, whether you like it or not, your life has been about mommas (in the form of one girl or another) lil titties <3. Girls feel it. Others feel it.
Demand of me not to touch myself, I can do that man. But demand of me to pursue myself, my inner dreams, my desires, my strength. Against my fears, my insecurities, my doubts. Up to this point I haven't been able to wholeheartedly do this. Because i know, like you do probably, that it will cost me. Nothing can be costlier, because you will essentially need to loose what you are about. That teddybear of cuddlez and living life knowing that you have something to fall back on.
Well. What if i told you, you cannot be successful when your face is simultaneously faced forward towards things you want (girls, fitness, success, money, whatever) and backwards (to make sure your comfort is still within reach, like a kid constantly looking over his shoulder to see if his mama´s there). The top #3 hardest thing of PMO is to find out what your new life is about. And chasing after that life without secretly being bound by your cute little teddybear. As long as you have that man, youre not going to be free. But its okay, i think most of us will get to our true life step by step. Giving up the PMO-teddybear is, for many of us, done gradually, and its force weakens the more you taste true life and, in comparison, realize how unbelievably weak PMO makes you. I feel this on my shoulders, and the weight is heavy. I know what the true life is, but im still too weak to pick it up guys. Im almost in tears as I say this.
Its like a bird in the egg. You know what eggs are for? It is to keep the little bird from reality, because the bird is not yet strong enough. The eggs of ostriches are the strongest, I've seen them, they are like 5mm thick. Some of us have eggs this thick, do you know why? Because our true life is really, fucking, badass. Eggs are there for protection, so that the bird only gets to the hard reality when its nose is strong enough to live in it. When it is, the nose can penetrate even the egg. The egg is, in a sense, your teddy bear-attitude. Your subconscious maintains it because it secretly knows that you cannot handle your true life yet. You cannot just wish this egg away, as a negative thing. FIRST you will need to develop, positively, your nose so to speak. The PMO-egg isn't wished away, it is destroyed, by you.
How to do this: 1. I think most of us secretly know what our life is about. You know what to do. This life doesn't pick itself up, and it will never unfold unless you don't take it. It's right there on a silver-platter besides you, everything you want is just within an arm's reach. This is the true, and only, curse upon man: always facing your true self and being destined to live up to it, or to forever be a coward. But you are strong, everyone have the required strength, but few are used to wielding it and accepting it. We think strength is for Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt. The 200kg bench-press is for Arnold. That beautiful girl is for that other man. In this way we place the curse upon others - these guys are living up to themselves, not I! By doing that, we also place the rewards upon them. Well. Take the curse, and realize it's not a curse, it is your life. It is what it means to be a man. As soon as you do that, your subconscious will attach the associated benefits to yourself, instead of just accepting that it is for others. Strength is for you. 200kg bench is for you, that beautiful girl is for you. They are all yours to pick up. There are no excuses; the only obstacle is your mind. It doesn't yet know how to live your true, free life. If you don't teach it with your will, you will never live it.
- Listen to Turisas - Fear the Fear. Then listen to Turisas- Take the Day! I am not kidding you, you will NEED to do this. Because after you've heard these songs, you will know when you betray yourself. And you will never forget it. This is a heavy weight, but it's better to know the truth at all times, than to live a teddy bear-lie.
- Get used to living life "outside of your comfort zone". If you are persistent in this, you will find after just a few days, that what was previously outside of your comfort zone now is a zone that gives you alot of love and energy and life and creativity. This is a resource you will need, you cannot do without it. Living PMO-free without this zone is like trying to kill the last boss without a weapon. The weapon is right beside you, just a little bit outside of what you're used to. You pick it up whenever you fuck your sense of what is appropriate, comfortable, and safe. The thing that separates you from guys that are successful is that they take this small step often. It takes you 1 second to make the decision to do the same, and you will instantly become overpowered in the eyes of others. Give it a few days, and you will be overpowered, even in the eyes of yourself!
- What are you regrets? Drink a cup of coffee. Then write a list with them, and a plan on how to redeem them. Dont drag out on this process, this is not to make your life perfect but to get negatives back to zero. And the faster you can do this, the sooner you can get to working on the new things that you have not yet seen.
- Experiment with periods of not caring about girls-as-girls. Of course, be nice to all and don't signal distance to anyone. But for all who haven't yet tried it, it is an extremely strong weapon to set a period for yourself when you don't expend "energy" (you know what I'm talking about) towards women altogether. You can expect a few rewards: you become more aware of female energy, what attracts them. You will be better to pick up their signals. You will get more confidence (saying no to something that is attractive to you is often a sign of strength, if not carried out to absurdum of course).
- A very important benefit that I cannot stress enough: you are used to relating to women in the PMO-way (even if you don't know it). This will, 8 times out of 10, set up your attraction for the wrong kind of girls at the wrong times. Trust me on this. WHen you skip the women for some time, as your true life grows, so will also your idea of women, and the right woman for you. Getting a girl with a PMO-mind will essentially just give you a form of IRL-socially accepted PMO. But i will not moralize about this, because i think meeting (all) women IRL can be an important step for some. Discern what is right for you. I have gone without giving any energy to women whatsoever for months. Listen to your feelings. This seems boring, but the end level is a map full of treasure-chests that you can unlock. Some of you will see very great benefits from this. Some, I think, cannot go without it, because you may be permanently stuck with a messed up relation to women if you just maintain your normal way of relating to them. Be strong.
- Ive said this before, but its obligatory. You will need to work out. Deadlifts is the only exercise that is scientifically proven to drastically raise your testosterone-levels (do them hard, not more than 5 repetitions per set). Testosterone gives energy, creativity, boldness, that male energy that drives women nuts. This is also a weapon you probably will want for battling the end boss: your little teddybear-mentality.
- I realize some will not want to do this, and i respect that. But for me, I couldn't do what I've done without praying to Jesus. Of all the weapons I've listed, i honestly say, without a doubt, that my faith in God is the one thing that has been most helpful for me in terms of realizing new things, and having strength and energy to do them.
- Don't isolate yourself. This is hard for me at times. Take measures to be social, even if it is at first just for the sake of not-being-unsocial. You develop a taste for it sooner than you think. Some of you are in a position - I know, been there - where you have little to no drive or interest in anything really. For this, you would need to trust GK Chesterton on beauty and the beast: the story teaches us that in order to find love, i.e. motivation towards something; one first needs to put in some work by will. To begin to love what you at first find unlovable. Whether its workout, abstaining from this or that, eating better food, sleeping better or whatever. You will grow into a spontaneous love for those things when you find out what they do to you and your life.
- Really important! While living life with your back uncovered takes a badass person, and a really hard mindset, this doesn't mean that you should always be hard. Be introspective and find out where you have to be hard, and where you can be soft. Because, not everyone pick up their teddybear because they are 100% soft. Some people pick up the teddybear because their mindset is so damn hard, and when the harshness builds up, sometime they eventually break down. Like soldiers from Afghanistan; they have lived their life in war, but eventually, their body forces them to accept some softness. And when this happens, they binge-soft. You will need to be introspective, and find a balance. Everyone treats themselves to soft things. By that, I do not by any means mean PMO. But you are a warrior, and you deserve things that make you happy. Heck, you've fought for them. When you are ready, take a woman. Eat ice-cream. Wear a tank top to show off your mighty biceps. Buy that computer. Listen to music too high. Literally guys, write things like this on your calendar - the biggest treats for you (given: no addictions, no reality escapes). Then do them. If you want to sleep for a day straight, do it.
Life is even closer to you than your clothes. You can pick it up right this second. The only thing stopping you is your mind. And your mind and self-image is the hardest thing to change. But it can all change, and this will make your entire life feel different. Trust me. You are a few days from it, if you dare to pick it up. You deserve your true life, and the world does too :)
I think this community is not for persons who have trouble with PMO. It is for persons who are trying to live their true life. PMO is just a little anecdote. It's not the end-boss, it's a little kitten that meooowwss. PMO really doesn't deserve a community, cause its nothing. Take the energy to the true battlefield - yourself.
EDIT: This is a report of a piece i wrote a year ago. I just found it again myself and i wanted to share with you guys. Hope you find it helpful. Take care!
A FEW DAYS LATER - How BATTLE-mode has changed my life.
What kind of gains/insights have you made since you started battling PMO? I will write some of mine. Research shows that sitting down (even on a daily basis!) to record small victories releases dopamine and helps create better neuro-psychological structures, that will help you even further. And instead of just writing all of theese privately, why not share our gains or insights with each other? I think this could be very motivating! This is for everyone, not just those who have made this or that amount of PMO-free days. Lets not compare.
This list is not a record of super-powers that i got from a month of not fapping, but of what i have made with my life the last five years. IMPORTANT: all of this time i have not been successful at laying off PMO. Still the larger trends have been upwards, and towards making it more easy all the time to stay off PMO. So if you fail and get ready to shoot yourself for missing a record-streak. Well, be sad for a short time because you really messed up. But the most important thing is for you to GET UP again, to take up the sword, and to work towards a trend-movement. Streaks count, they are important. You should be REALLY serious about watching yourself when you have a good streak running, it will allow you to get miles and miles ahead in your life. Like, fast-forwarding your development by easily 400-500% (not overstating). But dont neglect that the aspect that also is doing the work, is your mentality of being in BATTLE-mode instead of CUDDLY-mode. And regardless of your counter, being in BATTLE-mode is just about a mentality. You can pick this mentality up in 1 second.
Before i started to tame this beast of PMO, my life was kind of sad:
- I was spending a lot of time alone without really knowing the alternatives.
- I was more or less depressed.
- I didnt understand women, couldnt really be there for them when they needed me. I certainly couldnt open myself up to a woman.
- I was not very successful, didnt know what my life was about.
- I felt ashamed generally, probably coming from a deep feeling that i was not in control of my life.
- Financially and professionally, my life was shit.
- Had no visions, no good confidence, to be honest, quite few things to be proud of.
As i started to say no to PMO (this was more or less always a hard battle for me) i noticed things happening. Today:
- I have little or no social anxiety. I still spend a lot of time by myself, but this is self-chosen. I tasted what it was like to be alot more social but i decided to spend most of my time working towards improving myself and invest socially in a few serious relations.
- I have an energy that others can feel and i get looks from women every day. I am almost always positive and energetic.
- I started engaging women (always with serious intentions, i dont like casual hookups), learned alot from them. About women and about myself.
- After some time i got quite confident with girls, and stopped being needy for them. I was needy for self-development instead. I deliberately said that i would leave the world of women out of my life for one year, to only work on myself.
- During this time many things happened. Increased my deadlift from 60kg to 225kg, squats from 40kg to 165, bench from like 50 to 110. I have a tremendous confidence in my looks today. Working out really helps, also with raising testosterone levels. I have been following a schedule of workout constantly for three years, and i will keep doing so. If i keep this running for another three years i seriously think i could be placed on the cover of a magazine.
- Since starting to identify with being in BATTLE-mode and not just CUDDLY-mode, that is to say, seing each day as a battle against PMO, i recieved a masters degree and soon a PhD. When done, there is a date set for me entering a job that will be really, really good and that ive been working towards for all this time.
- My finances have, seriously, increased by like 200-300%. I have been able to work at least twice as much.
- When i started to engage women again i met this really beautiful and intelligent girl sponanteously. We have now been in a relation for one year. This has been hard at times, as PMO eventually makes you really selfish and makes selfishness a part of who you are. You are trained to be REALLY concerned about your needs, trained to use other things, whatever it may be, as teddybears to cure them. But this is not how anything should work. Anyways this is probably one of the worst effects of PMO, that will take time for you to get out from. Be conscious of this. Anyways, a few aspects of my relation makes me really proud: a) im genuinely concerned about her as a person, i care about another person and i dont doubt that i do. I didnt know i was capable of this before. b) i dont need her for sex, in fact i deliberately skip taking the majority of chances to get off and cuddle with her instead, and work with expanding the mutual feeling of connection. Anyways poing being, she is not a PMO-replacement but i value her for the sake of genuine connection and heartfelt love. The sexual energy can be used for this, for love, and can be expressed in so many ways. c) i have really opened myself up for her. I DONT think this is possible when you are in a PMO-mindset. PMO makes you closed off and shut in. I am extremely proud of being able to discover this new world of what it is like to be genuinely open to a person and share my life.
- I am making plans for one year ahead, two years ahead, three years ahead. I am not stopping with the new job i will get, but i will regard even that as a temporary thing. Parallell to what i do now, i secretly plan for a career as a self-employed author, mentor, leader. I have been doing this for a year and have two book-projects planned.
- I have higher standards for my social life and im really thankful for the few, tight relations that i maintain. I want to develop this further.
Blahblah i could go on. Dont think this is easy. I have failed so hard. I have felt and i am feeling alot of pressure. I have been really stressed. I have been feeling like shit at times. Some days i have been unable to get anything done. Some times i have completely lost my vision of what i want and have had dark thoughts.
In the long run though, look who wins. I dont remember the hardships today, what i remember is theese kind of things that i list for you.
I dont know where you are man, you could be just in the beginning of this process, or somewhere in the middle. You may have things that you can list, that you are proud of. Of you may be like where i was when i started: unable to really list anything. Regardless, going in BATTLE-mode takes one second. Staying in it yields fruits, that over time builds up. You could take a decision today, either to go into BATTLE-mode or to stay in it. A decision that one year from now, two years, three years, will have your life looking completely different.
Do you want to see what you are capable of? Or do you want the teddy-bear? Red pill, blue pill.
I thought that the blue pill would give me a soft life. But i see now that softness, the kind of things one is looking for in PMO, alcohol, drugs, gaming, reality escapes - softness doesnt make any sense whatsoever when all there is to your life is softness. It is just painful. As i go into BATTLE-mode, this is when i can truly cherish softness. It has a true meaning now. A meaning where you dont have to use it to make your life feel decent, but where you can genuinely look a woman in the eyes and feel warmth and love and connection. Where soft things dont make you ashamed, and eat away from your life. But where they make you proud and give you a feeling of completeness and thankfulness for the life that you have. You can choose it, right now.
Dont relapse. Be glorious. Dont expect things to be easy. Its a grind man.
Listen to this track, i hear it every day. For me it is the call to the grind, of putting on your workout-gear when you are tired as fuck. When you rise to get shit done. When you decide not to take up that disgusting teddybear that makes you soft, but instead take the red pill and live like a man. When you rise to become a hero. Do that.
Best of luck and God bless the struggle of each and every one of you.