Advice from my experience [LONG POST ALERT]
There are several things I learned from my experience that I wanted to share with you. This community helped me a lot and I want to give back what I can. It's a long post so keep calm and start reading like there is no tomorrow
Make your decision
First thing first, before you do anything else, you really have to make a decision for yourself. I think when you TRULY decide to do something, when you REALLY set your mind on one thing and when it's a matter of life and death for YOU then every obstacle in front of you is so much easier to bypass. Nothing can stop you if you know what you want and you are willing to sacrifice who you are for who you can become. You have the power to control your life, right? Then make what needs to be done. MAKE THE DECISION OF STOP MASTURBATING. Make it like a statement: “I stopped masturbation on dd-mm-yyyy and since then the new and better me came to board”. And live by this declaration. Every day and night. More on nights
You see, that’s a trick right there to fool your mind. You are saying to your brain that you already put an end on the addiction. That’s the nice part, because your mind will believe it if you are really confident and really mean it.
This is YOUR TIME to grow up into a better person, to distinguish what’s good and bad for you. There are moments in life when you have to make some choices either to improve your life or to ruin it.
I am feeling very sorry for those who read this and keep failing. I really want to help you. But if you don't help yourself, how can I? When I wanted to stop masturbating, I made a commitment to myself, I made a decision and I lived by it, day by day. Even if it was hard, even if I was burning inside like hell, I keep moving. I knew my goal. And nothing else matter. I still visualize myself as a new man, as the man I want to become and believe me, it works.
You think you read this and everything will work out? Sure, you will get the support and everything, but if you don’t really want to stop, then you will not stop it. You come here to make another try or to make THE TRY, the one and only try? Don’t lie to yourself. You have the power to decide!
Believe me, nothing is more beautiful than taking control of your life. Seeing me succeeding in this challenge of stopping masturbation empowered me, gave me motivation and self-esteem. You know? Giving up an addiction? That is pretty awesome. And you know what's even more awesome? The fact that you do it for yourself. No one else in my life knew about this. It was just me and the addiction. I made it and I killed it. Simple like that!
Get busy living or get busy dying
What I mean by this is that you have to stay busy. Don’t let your mind to think about porn. Live the life you have, don’t spoil it on masturbation. You often feel bored? That’s a cause for your addiction and a sign that you don’t live your life at the fullest. You have to define your goals, to know what you want and to go for it. Stay away from masturbation, television, facebook, yahoo, twitter, tumblr and other things that make your time on this planet unproductive. Spend less time on the computer and stay more focus on developing yourself. Start doing things that improve your life such as reading a book, learning to make good pictures with your camera, learning a new language, taking guitar classes, drawing or dancing classes. Whatever you wanted for so long but you never had time for it. Do things that make you happy, that keep your mind sharp and your heart full of joy. You have to live your life, because it’s short, and only if you live it right, it will have a meaning for you and for the ones you love.
Staying in touch with the real world, talking daily with your friends and working on improving yourself and setting some goals for a new and better life are some of the things that will help you in hard times.
Stay away from the triggers
Triggers. What are they? Are the external factors that make you think about porn. Everything that is related to porn, sexuality or nudity I consider a trigger. Everything that has a girl in it and arouse you, that’s a trigger. Even sexy stories or sexy messages can make you want to masturbate. But this is not only about the computer’s triggers.
One normal day, I was browsing around the web while my parents wanted to go out. I didn’t want to go, so I keep doing my stuff. By the time they closed the door, something clicks in my head. Suddenly, a big desire for masturbation pop up into my mind. I was turned on by the command of a door. That was the first time I realized that “the parents leaving home” is another trigger for me. It was so obviously, but I still didn’t notice it. So, as you can see, there are triggers everywhere around us, triggers that we unconsciously planted in our mind.
Our job is to find these triggers and to replace them with something new, something productive for our life. In my example, from the moment I realized that trigger, I would go out for a walk, call a friend or just stop my computer and do something useful every time my parents left the house.
For computer, I used one great soft called “K9 Web Protection”. You can find it for free on the web. I blocked every porn page I knew and then I put a password. You can save that password on a paper and put it in a safe place, you can give it to a friend and ask him to keep it safe, or you could simply put a random password. I would recommend the last option only if you made the right settings to the program. The soft may blocks a page that is not related to porn and you really have to open it and… you are fucked
To go in depth and to find the causes of your addiction, ask yourself the following question when you feel the urge for masturbation:
- What time is it?
- Where I am?
- Who else is around?
- What did I just do?
- What emotions I am feeling?
Look for which one stays the same every time you feel the urges and you’ve found your answer.
Change your habits, change your life
So what you have to do to change a habit? I will give you a general strategy, which can be applied to every habit you want to change and then I will come back to our problem.
First thing is to find the cause. You did that in the last section. The 5 questions are very important and very helpful.
Second. You have to find out what craving the habit is satisfying. Ask yourself: “What craving do I think masturbation is satisfying? “ Than substitute with another reward. Instead of your orgasm that you get when masturbating, find another habit which have a reward that can substitute the orgasm. For example, instead of masturbating, you go for a jogging. Is that craving gone? Is your healthy enough to replace an orgasm? Keep experimenting until you find something new that satisfies the urge.
The third and last step, after you have identify the cause and the reward, is to insert the new routine. Something like: “When (put here the cause), I will (put here the routine), because it provides me with (put here the reward).”
For my particular case, the statement goes like this: “When I’m left alone at home, I will go for a jogging, because it provides me with a healthy lifestyle.” That’s how your declaration should sound. Replace the old habit with a new, empowering one and you will be on your way to success.
If you want to change a habit, you have to make a commitment to yourself. The first 21 days will be hard and maybe you will struggle a bit, but in the end the habit will become automatic.
The challenge of stopping masturbation helped me to re-evaluate myself, to see what is wrong with my life, to get my shit together and change everything I can so that I will become the person I really want to be.
By the same time I quitted masturbation, I rewrote my life path and started having more positive habits which, in time, will lead to a successful life. I replaced more than one habit at a time because I wanted to win more confidence and to be less vulnerable to urges. I started jogging, abs workout, reading, learning something new every day, reduced my time on facebook. This kind of stuff helped me a lot. You cannot become successful overnight. There are a lot of books written about success but very few explain how to achieve solid results, not just a pleasant feeling that you are reading a good book and your life is about to change. One efficient way to do this is to change your habits. Period.
Be aware of your problems
First time I realized my problems regarding my addiction to pornography was after 4 years since the date I started, my hands were shaking, my body was weak, my daily mood was depressive and my long term memory was a little bit affected. I hadn’t friends, I wasn’t a talking type of guy and my social life didn’t look very well.
I started searching for answers and I find out that the majority of these problems are the result of excessive masturbation. I understood that my addiction caused me real healthy problems. Then I started asking myself, what’s more important, a self-destructive habit or a healthy life? This is such a powerful question to ask. I assume the answer is the second one, but if not, stop reading here please.
I don’t know what are your problems, but you can identify them. See the truth behind the curtain, be honest with yourself. What are your problems right now and how many of them are the result of porn addiction? This is the moment when you can understand how masturbation affected your life.
After I understood the problems that I had, it was much easier for me to let it go. I was sure that I wanted to change my life and I did.
Imagine your new life
Maybe you heard about imagination, or maybe not. Either way, this is an interesting topic. The main idea, according to dr. Maltz Maxwell, is that in our daily life we react not according with the reality, but with the image we have about reality. So you can create your own reality by just imagining it. Why? BECAUSE YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND CAN'T MAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE REAL FACTS AND THE VIVIDLY IMAGINED EXPERIENCE! And that’s a personal development concept which doesn’t make the subject of this book, but you probably want to go deeper on it because is one of the most empowering secrets that can improve your life in so many ways.
So, the point is to imagine already succeeding a goal before even start working for it and your subconscious will process the information and will help you through the labor of accomplish your goal.
Imagine yourself already passing the 90 days challenge, imagine how would you feel, how proud and awesome you are, how a great job you have done. Imagine it like it's very real for you, day by day. Observe the details and feel the emotions. Visualize the ultimate goal you have, visualize your life without porn addiction. I assure you, this is awesome and works! Be aware how your life takes a new start, how happy, energetic and healthy you feel. Tell yourself you already did it, feel it and I promise... this will make your path much easier.
Don’t concern on what you don’t want, concern on what you want
If you're thinking about not watching porn, you're thinking about porn. As long as porn is in your mind, you will have a lot of trouble letting it go. The correct approach is to just forget about it. Stop obsessing about what day you're on. Stop posting on your journal stuff like “Omg quitting porn is so difficult, the urges are so strong!” Just forget about porn. Disregard it as an option in your life. Let’s make a change. Stop focusing on what you don't want, and instead, focusing on what you want. Your family, your dreams, your health, your career. It’s your choice.
When urges arise, watch them mindfully. Observe them. Do not react. Do not suppress them. Do not push them away. Just kindly smile and focus your mind on something else. Watching porn is not an option. It's not a part of your life anymore. It's a thing of the past.
I can say that I tried so hard not doing it, fighting with my mind, say no over and over again, but still ended up doing it. But when I start putting no efforts, when I was relaxed and saw myself without porn at all, there was a big difference, a big change in my attitude. Your mind is your kingdom, so you have the power to control every fucking thing that goes in or out of it.
Understand what are the rewards
One of the top motivational forces is pleasure. In this section I will tell you what you will gain if you put an end on your addiction. The following affirmations may sound a bit exaggerated, but there are not. These are a collection of life changing results that I and other people who succeeded in this challenge encountered. What will follow it’s not something that I guarantee you will benefit from, but your results will be similar. Neither do I believe when I read this kind of stuff for the first time, but after I succeeded I had a completely different opinion.
So the most common rewards are:
• more energy
• more things to be proud of
• feeling healthier
• more happier, smiling a lot because life seems so much beautiful
• a very positive attitude
• more present and more careful about little details
• more energy and enthusiasm
• women are checking you out
• more confident, having no problems to eyes contact with a beautiful girls
• more sociable and in general a good mood for talking
• enjoying more day-by-day activities
• improvements in memory and concentration
• no more depressions, anguish or social anxiety
• recovered from erectile dysfunctions
• morning woods
• eager to be around people
Change your thought process
Let’s talk a little bit about your permanent excuse. What if you change this simple affirmation you keep giving yourself as an excuse like "I will do it one last time" or “Today is the last time” with "Just today I am not doing it"? Try to change the focus. Turn your thought process in your favor. Same technique is used in alcoholic centers to help people get their mind involved: "Don't try to stop drinking forever"—merely say, "I will not drink today."
I don’t know if you ever heard something about self-image or not, but I will try to explain it and make you understand how it affects your life. So, self-image is the sum of your beliefs and limitations. Everything you think you can do or do not, it’s related to self-image. It’s the way you see and perceive yourself. All of your actions, emotions, behaviors are based on your self-image. The point is that if you think you are porn addicted than you will find a way to come back to porn sooner or later. The solution is to change this thought. To think that you are free, that you escaped the vicious circle and feel like you don't have a problem anymore. If you are patient enough, this becomes your new reality. Auto-suggestions like “I’m free”, “I’m cured”, “I have a new life where I really love and accept myself” are very welcomed to start the morning with. I can't emphasis enough how important and powerful are our thoughts in this process of healing. As you think, you shall become. Success is a state of mind, my friend. Try to have that state of mind and I promise... you will be the best you can be.
Every decision you make start with your thoughts. Your thoughts give you some feelings and emotions which lead to actions and then come some results. So if you change your thoughts, you can change your results. It is madness to do the same thing every day and expect different results. Your thoughts are the base of your personality, of who you are. That is not applied only to porn, but for the whole you.
Someday I realized one thing. When I entered the “yourbrainrebalanced.com” community, I placed a counter into my signature. Seeing 0 of 100 days completed, I was kind of…”omg, it really takes some time to do this. 100 days are over a quarter of a year so it's quite a long time to stay away from porn. If I don't start right know, I will never end this challenge". I realized that time goes really fast when you actually do it, but when you don't, it seems so much longer. So yeah, I was afraid that if I don't stop it right now, when I'm almost 20 and I have a lot of time in front of me to do better things, I will never do. The fear of an unsuccessful life is much bigger than the pleasure I got while I was masturbating. Two questions that I learned from Tony Robbins for a motivational reason are "If I continue with this addiction how painful it will be later?" and "If I am stopping this addiction right now, how much pleasure it will gives to me?" First one, is focused on the bad part of the addiction and the second one, gives you the reason you shouldn’t do it anymore. These are kind of important things to consider when you want to take your life to the next level.
One last advice in this section is to learn to let go of your worries. You have to live in the present. You don’t need to worry about what you will do tomorrow or what you did yesterday and stay present. Don’t even try to blame yourself because this makes things even worst. What you did was what you did, it’s history. Don’t worry. Keep your mind focus on the present, on the things that matter for you. There is nothing you can do except living in the moment. Change the way you act in the present so you can have the future you desire. Be aware of the negative impact porn addiction has on your life and understand that only by stopping it you will gain the life you wanted. Be conscious about all the things that are surrounding you and enjoy them!
Get connected with others and help them
When I decided to stop my addiction, I started to look for help on the web. I found a lot of sites, but the one that helped me the most was http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/
Get into a community. Get connected with others that share the same problems as you are. Share your thoughts, your experiences, your problems. Search for help. We are humans. We can learn from each other to make our path much easier. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Just take what already is. Try it and see if it fits you or not. Then you can go for something new if what’s already said doesn’t work.
But you are there not only to get help. You are also there to help others. Involve yourself in blogs and topics that interest you, give your opinion and encouragements or share what you learned from your experience. This will build self-esteem and trust in yourself. This will make you feel like you already give up the addiction because you talk from your experience and will give you that feeling of being helpful because you know your advice will help somebody.
Read successful stories
Once you entered a community, there are for sure users that already did what you want to accomplish. Read their stories. See what problems they encountered and how did they passed them. Learn from their experience and take the advices.
Seeing others succeeding kept me motivated and give me a sense of direction. I knew if others can do it, I also can.
You can start here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?board=3.0
One thing you can do to help you stay motivated is to keep tracking of your progress. It’s a psychological fact that if you count your off-pmo days, it will help you be more focus on succeeding the challenge than relapsing again. In my case, seeing that I come closer and closer to my goal gave me a sense of fulfillment, satisfaction if you want. So I suggest to make a challenge. You can first make it in small steps, 14 days, 21 days and then upper and upper, but if you feel like really stopping, put a target of 100 days from start.
Keeping a daily journal with your thoughts on is maybe one of the most important things you can do and need to take into consideration. Not only others will try to help you, encourage you or give you feedback, but you can also see your progress, your mistake and your improvements more easily.
I liked the banner from here:
But you can also consider other ways:
My ultimate recommendation is a cold shower. Very effective when you feel like you can’t stop thinking about porn. Punish yourself with one every time you feel like something bad is going to happen. But keep in mind, you can consider cold showering as a quick method to solve the urges, but that’s just short-term solution.
And of course I was kidding about an ultimate advice. There is no such thing like ultimate advice. Very important. There is no magic pill for this. Only patience and self-discipline.
Hope you enjoyed this! Good luck my friends!
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