Age 19 - ED, depressed, anti-social, bad grades, felt crappy

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Playful couple

- I'm new to this site and I was reluctant at first to share my story about porn, ED, and how I have been affected. Nevertheless I have decided to go into the gritty details of my life and the journey I am on to stop masturbating. (This post is so long because I didn't want to leave out any details, so I can keep looking back on it.)

It all started when I was around 10 years old. My friend at the time showed me a picture of a naked girl on the internet, and I was instantly drawn in. I knew it was bad to look at porn and that I was too young for it, which made it all the more intriguing to look at. What started as just looking at naked pictures of girls escalated quickly.

  It didn't take long for me to move on to internet porn videos, and this was before I could even really masturbate. I never had the chance to grow a real connection with a girl because I was enveloped in the darkness of porn at an early age.By the time I was 16 I was moving on to bondage and crazy fetishes because those were the only things that could get me off. I couldn't really talk to girls and I was always nervous around people, and I never would have guessed at the time that it might have something to do with my porn habits.

  Around this time I really wanted to lose my virginity, and I found a girl who wanted to have sex. One thing led to another and we were in my bed naked, but I had no sex drive. I couldn't get horny and wasn't able to get an erection because of it. She was unattractive to say the least, so when something like this happens you immediately rationalize away responsibility. I thought, "she wasn't hot, thats why I couldn't have sex with her." Or, "I was too nervous to be horny." I was way off target.

  This experience really took a toll on my self esteem and I FELT LIKE CRAP. However I kept hooking up with different girls and pushed through it. I was into picking up girls and had done a lot of reading and learning about PUAs (pickup artists) who learn the science of attraction and use it to meet women. So now not only was I at a loss physically, but my psychology was messed up too, as I had screwed up world views instilled in me by PUA literature. Not to mention I was really good at it, which is sort of like being a great painter but not having a paintbrush. I could hookup with most girls I found in the room, but I was too afraid that when we got to the bedroom I wouldn't be able to get hard. 

I went to a urologist, I exercised more and fasted, drank more water, looked up psychological literature, took DHEA supplements, ate more testosterone increasing foods, all to no avail. I was depressed and miserable and considered the possibility of a hermetic life without sex. Luckily I don't give up easily, so I kept at it, researching as much as I could to figure it out. Eventually I got a girlfriend in highschool and she was a virgin so there was no rush to have sex. She would give me bj's all the time though, and I was able to get semi-hard for those. This gave me hope.

  The ex gf went on birth control and she said that she was finally ready to have sex, but the real question on my mind was "am i ready to have sex?" (btw, during all this time I was still masturbating and looking at porn, though less frequent internet porn. I developed a really good imagination and would use it to masturbate instead. My imagination was getting pretty dark and fucked up though, so I knew something was wrong.)

We were naked and trying to have sex, but I couldnt keep it up with the condom on, and eventually I lost my sex drive again. I was DEVASTATED. We broke up a month after because I didn't want her to think that I wasnt able to penetrate her, so I came up with some stupid excuse that worked out. She was a junior and I was a senior and it would be too difficult to keep up our relationship from so far away when I went to college.

  This same pattern happened many times with many different girls. Eventually I was so depressed and I felt so hopeless that I stopped trying to talk to girls. Something CRAZY happened though on my break home from college freshman year. This girl from my neighborhood who I was pretty close to came over and we drank a couple shots of vodka. We were upstairs in my room and keep in mind our relationship has never been sexual. I told her to imagine an experience in her life that was the best feeling she has ever had, and describe it to me. Then i told her to try and feel that feeling right now. I was trying to get her horny and in the mood for sex. IT WORKED. I put the condom on and got soft again, but this time said screw it, and took it off. We had sex. This was the first time I have had real sex with penetration, I was 18.

IT WAS THE BEST THING PSYCHOLOGICALLY FOR ME THAT I HAVE PROBABLY EVER EXPERIENCED.

I had hope. I felt great. I knew that my problem wasn't physical. It had to be psychological.

I went back to college and the problems persisted. I kept up with my porn filled imagination and masturbation. It helped me sleep at night. Again I was feeling hopeless and clueless. Recently I started going to a therapist, and she gave me insight into sex addiction after I talked to her a couple times about my feelings. This started a raging passion for me to research as much as I could about it. I scoured the internet and found yourbrainonporn, and watched all the videos. Something clicked and I knew i was on to something.

I started not masturbating, watching porn, or using my imagination on nov 2, 2012. I relapsed a couple times, never with porn however. The first time I was drunk and I just masturbated, but not with any images. The second time I just humped my bed because I didnt want to use my hand. This time was also solely sensation.

Its been about 57 days since I started and I get morning wood. My sex drive is increasing, and I have to work hard to contain the sexual images in my head. But I feel a lot better and I will see where this takes me. One day at a time.

LINK - December 29, 2012: 57 days into no PMO

by healingpath


UPDATE: 2/3/2013

I have changed my name from Healingpath to roadlesstravelled.

I have also changed the name of my journal from My Crazy Journey to The Road to Redemption.

My life has been filled with self-deception and unnecessary suffering that I imposed on myself. I am taking the steps that I need to take in order to rectify what happened.

I never would have imagined the negative effects that PMO causes, and since abstaining my life has improved immeasurably.

  • I get perfect scores on my tests
  • I'm at 10% body fat, feeling fit and healthier than ever before
  • Girls ask me for my number/come up to me and tell me i'm cute
  • I wake up in the morning and look forward to the day

While I was still PMOing:

  • I was depressed
  • Always on the computer
  • Hated socializing with people
  • Didn't go to classes
  • Looked bad and felt bad

There's no way I can deny it.

I AM THEROADLESSTRAVELLED, AND I AM A SEX-ADDICT.

I've been going sober and staying strong, but before it was just an experiment to see what would happen. Now its clear how harmful porn is for men


Janurary 28, 2013

ALRIGHT!

30 Days without masturbation. Feeling great guys. I haven't updated my journal in a while because I did not want to focus too much on the whole PMO thing. In this short time that I've been staying away from porn and masturbation so many things have changed.

  • I wake up in the morning looking forward to the day.
  • I no longer stay in my room for hours on end browsing the internet.
  • I don't use reddit anymore. At all.
  • I am making friends with very attractive girls and don't feel nervous at all talking to them.
  • I go out and party and hang out with friends, and don't feel any awkwardness and very little social anxiety.
  • I like being around people more and I see the benefits of having a good social network.
  • I notice the beauty in nature. I enjoy admiring my environment while walking to class. The grass literally looks greener and the sky is more blue.

There are also some other changes that I have been making in my life.

  • I have been on the paleo diet for about 3 weeks now and I feel incredible. My six pack is now obviously visible and my jaw line completely squared out.
  • I have more energy and I feel more alert and awake. I dont have bouts of lethargy or stomach aches. I only feel like that when I drink alcohol.
  • I'm also going to the gym 3x a week for weightlifting and doing cardio 3x a week.
  • I take cold showers after my workouts and they feel great.

Funny thing, life has a way of bringing things together. I read on YBOP that meditation can help speed up recovery from PMO. I am taking Buddhist studies this semester in college so I will be learning all about meditation.

Also, I have found that my spirituality has been non-existent for the majority of my life. For that reason I have started going to church. I was not raised christian but going to church has been giving me feelings that I didn't know were even in me, and somehow it feels like I am being restored.

Now before you immediately disregard this because logic tells you its crazy, yea you're right. Logically religion is unfounded and doesn't make any sense. However logic is not the only form of thought our minds engage in. To put it in perspective, our cave-dwelling ancestors engaged heavily in rituals of their own making (burial rituals, sacrifices, etc.)

Think about this: What the FUCK kind of evolutionary advantage could a burial ritual have for us? Still, it is uncontested that rituals are prevalent all around the world and across cultures and generations.

My point is that people don't do things just for the sake of doing things. If someone is a believer of a religion or creed, it is because it offers some kind of value to them. It makes them feel good. It is nourishing to the soul.

You can be the most logical person in the world, but if you're not happy then whats the point?

The ideal route to take is to find the middle path. When I say this I am bringing up a Buddhist philosophy, but logic alone will not make someone whole because our minds are not strictly logical and we can't neglect parts of ourselves. On the other hand, we can't sacrifice logic for happiness, naivety, and strict religious belief. Then you become unproductive and ignorant. So I propose the middle path.

Now to transition from this rant back to the main topic, I feel like all these things I am doing are helping me. I am not worried about relapsing right now because I WANT TO HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A REAL GIRL! I WANT TO HAVE REAL SEX, NOT SEX WITH MY HAND!

There is nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain.

I have gone 30 days without any kind of masturbation, and even longer without any kind of porn. Now I am going to reward myself for it. Love you guys.


UPDATE

LINK - Success - No More Mr. Blue Balls by healingpath

Feburary 6, 2013

I have some good news.

I just orgasm-ed for the first time in almost 40 days. The good news is that it wasn't self induced. I got a BJ and I was hard the whole time!

Usually with my ex-gf I would fly at half-mast while getting a bj. Not today gentlemen.

TODAY, I FELT LIKE A MAN AGAIN.

I didn't have to come up with any bullshit explanations for not getting hard. I didn't have to lie. The only two components of the night were a guy and a girl just trying to make each other feel good.

BTW, this was the girl who's religious and who I thought wouldn't be moving too fast too soon. If you look at the last post in my journal you will understand. BOY was I wrong. She kept telling me how sexy I was and how much I turned her on, and she said she felt accomplished when I came after the BJ.

Tonight I have totally shifted gears.

I KNOW THAT I CAN"T EVER MASTURBATE OR LOOK AT PORN AGAIN.

I can't miss out on experiences like this. No. Never. Not again. This was a great night.

I'm happy to have found this website.