Age 19 - (ED): Lots of anxiety

Printer-friendly version

lovers4-10 I met my current girlfriend and it was my first opportunity having sex. Everything went well until penetration: I penetrated but then lost it.

The thought of this plagued me and I began to suspect porn and over-masturbation as the culprits. When inside I soon lost stimulation. Also my girlfriend could kiss me and hold me, and I still would not get all that aroused. This, I think, is from the porn.

Later, after about a month of no porn or masturbation, my erections would return from just a simple kiss but when it came time to penetrate I often found myself thinking about if I would be able to keep erect. Thus the performance anxiety.

I do remember, though, that after a month of not trying intercourse, when we would just make-out, my erections came back. One night I did stick it in and thrust, but soon became fearful I’d lose it, and made an excuse to stop.

I haven’t seen my girlfriend for the past 2 months. During these two months I've masturbated 4 times: once at the beginning and 3 times today, and once with porn today regrettably.

I still have 9 weeks before I see my girlfriend so my question is, “If I’ve masturbated today with porn (quickly though, I only watched for about 30 seconds) is all my progress squandered. Will my dopamine recover!?!?!!? I hope that by abstaining from porn I will become very aroused when I'm finally with my gf. Thus my erections will be stronger and through this I will overcome my performance anxiety.

5-7 I'm still going strong. Today makes a week and a half without M and much more without porn. I'm starting to feel nervous. To be honest I see my girlfriend in about 6 weeks, and while I have seen improvements I worry that I won’t be ready. It sucks, because to actually gauge my progress I’d have to experiment with a girl. But I can’t because of my relationship! haha

The other thing is that, while I can see a girl and think she’s attractive, I don’t instantly get hard. Maybe I will never get back to that point, but I hope that in the moment I'll be able to perform!

This rebooting method has worked for some and I hope it will for me as well! I will keep posting even when I go to visit my girlfriend!

5-14 [5+ weeks] As mentioned, my recovery process may be a little more non-linear than others, seeing has how I have been able to abstain during the past 4 months from P and M frequently. This makes two weeks clean from M and longer from P.

I feel as if my mood is finally leveling out. Feels like avoiding porn just gets easier and easier, thankfully, although I have to keep in mind that just one little trigger could send me to day one! Have to keep going.

Although I must say it does feel great to have finally broken away from the habit. I notice I'm able to spend more time with my family and friends, and I do feel generally more optimistic! It could be that I’ve broken a habit, or just that I’ve separated myself from the guilt of the habit.

Either way I’m proud of myself for having been able to do it, and I honestly feel as if I’ve made it to the point where I can forever resist the urges!

I still stress just a little over whether I'll be able to perform when the time is right. I’ve been waking with some morning wood, and find that little things that used to not set me off now stimulate me. The other thing is that looking at girls in public is nice, and I do do it, but I don’t feel as if they immediately turn me on. Hopefully that will come soon.

I’m 19 and my last sexual encounters failed in ED, probably caused by desensitization followed by performance anxiety, but I do generally feel accomplished by breaking the habit and hopeful. I believe that it is a good thing to have broken away from porn. I still feel this change will give me my best chances of having a healthy sex life!

5-15 Just got done talking to my girlfriend about our last failed experiences. I’ll see her around the 17th of June. I haven’t told her that they were do to porn and over masturbation, but I did tell her that I’ve been working on fixing my problems. Talking to her did bring to surface some unpleasant feelings. I did feel a twinge of anxiety, but I hope I’ll be able to move past all that when the time is right. I'll be around 7 weeks clean when I see her. I pray that it will be enough, as I really do love her.

She is very understanding and supportive but I know she craves having sex with me, and I wish to be able to do it not only for my sake but for hers as well. I really hope I’ll be 100 percent improved by the time I see her. 7 weeks clean is much better than having been yanking it three times a day to porn for the last 4 years right!?!? Haha.

5-16 Feeling more or less dull, as I haven’t gotten hard but for the occasional morning erection, although I am seeing some improvements. I’m starting to notice a want to be around girls more as well as a healthy reaction. Another thing I have noticed is that things in porn that may have aroused me before now horrify me! Haha. How the hell did I look at that stuff and like it?

Anyways I’m still not necessarily getting erections just by looking at each female, and my libido is still not all the way there. Maybe now that I don’t watch porn, my brain doesn’t know what to shift to. Eventually it’ll make its way to real live women.

My past experiences with ED seem so distant. During this time away from her, I’ve had time to deal with the anxiety and slowly let the pain and anxiety slip away. I realize sex is normal, and hopefully I’ll be able to perform adequately the next time I see my girlfriend.

I put in my two weeks notice at work today. It’s becoming so real that I’m going to see her again. Finally! I leave the 15th of June and I will keep posting, hopefully with stories of success!!! Hopefully I’ll be able to inspire others! Wish me luck. Damn porn and damn performance anxiety.

5-18 Wet dream from hell today. I was dreaming and I actually woke up during the course of it, and once it started there was no holding back.

I’m starting to remember my dream and it was something like a porn scene. Damn! Even in my dreams my brain can’t let it go. I’m thinking that it’s probably more a case of my brain searching for something to stimulate me, and since it doesn’t have any positive sexual experiences stored away, it made me think of something pornish. Damn. I hope this doesn’t count as relapsing! And I hope my progress hasn’t regressed just for a dumb dream.

5-20 I’ve been fighting off little urges to look at porn today. I don’t know if its the “chaser effect,” or if I simply realized how long it has been since I’ve looked at it, and the poisonous little thoughts crept into my head. Regardless, I’ve resisted the urge.

I really don’t think the urge goes away or gets any easier to be honest. I think it’s more just that we get better at resisting and become more disciplined.

I’m so ready to test myself—yet nervous at the same time. Haha. Wish me luck everyone. What I really need now is to have a positive experience. I feel as if I’m rebooted, and really I just need experience!!!!!!

I see my girlfriend around June 15th and I’m really excited!!! I miss her, and if I can have a healthy sexual experience with her it would mean the world to me!

5-23 Well, I bought my ticket turns out Il see my gf on the 9th! I’m excited and nervous. Almost time to see what all this abstaining has done for me. I guess the nervousness comes mostly from wanting desperately for this process to have helped me. I feel as if I’m at a crossroads. If I succeed I’ll have my whole life ahead of me. A constant stress and problem for me will be eliminated, thus liberating me. I also feel that if I fail I will be further depressed, as I will have failed while doing the only type of recovery that should or could help me.

Another problem is that through abstaining I have no idea if this process is yielding results. In spite of all this I am still hopeful. I’m 19, and I look at those around me who have normal sexual lives and I think, “What is the difference between them and me?” The answer: More sexual experience growing up, and much less masturbation and porn use. So, I’ve given up the second completely, and I’ll work on the first one soon.

5-27 I’m anxious as hell. I’ll be staying with her in an apartment for roughly around 2 months. The last time I did this, I couldn’t achieve an erection due to desensitization. Then, because of this, I crumbled under performance anxiety. I felt depressed and imprisoned. This time I hope will be different. I have been able to basically be PMO-free for around 4 months, slipping about 3 times. Most recently, I’ve been free for about 4 weeks.

I’m nervous and scared. Scared of failure. But I’m proud that I’m brave enough to still go through with this, and not wimp out, accepting that failure maybe what awaits me.

I still have not arrived at a level where women in the streets absolutely turn me on, although I do have morning erections and have had a wet dream. I’m also starting to have a little physical discomfort in my right testicle. Last time this happened I had a wet dream. Oh well, I still feel as if I have a better shot than last time. Last time, I had roughly 4 to 5 years of PMO daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Now I’ve only done that a handful of times in the past months.

5-28 I think what I’ll tell her is that I want to go at my own pace—basically experiment until I feel comfortable with penetration. Then move on to orgasm.

6-1 Moved up my visit. I see her tomorrow! Wish me luck.

6-7 [8 weeks] Last night had good sex and orgasmed!

I did manage to get hard the first day but the rest of the days when we fooled around my erection was kinda weak. Could be though that we just stay in bed a lot and fool around. Therefore it doesn’t turn me on as much. But last night we went out to have some drinks, and when we came back, we fooled around. She put it in. I couldn’t believe how easy it went in and the stimulation alone was enough to keep me erect. I’m not sure if I was 100 percent. Anyway, we switched positions three times and I stayed hard throughout, even managing to orgasm!

6-9 Success again tonight. Even more intercourse. I did orgasm and then could only stay hard for about 15 minutes after. Oh well, I’m happy with my progress so far and she seems happy as well.

8-13 I have finally returned from spending a whole summer with my girlfriend. In two months I’m moving down to where she lives to live with her.

I spent literally almost every day with her, and I was completely—I mean completely—healed after an extended stay away from porn.

As my anxiety faded, I found I was also able to perform sometimes up to 5 days straight. Staying away from porn made it incredibly easy to attain an erection. An innocent kiss, and boom! Next thing you know you’re hard!

I've been away from my girl friend for a week and a half now. The scary thing is, without sex, I’ve relapsed four times in the past week and a half. I’ve tried to justify it, but the fact is, without sex, my mind is now trying to get its "drug." I’m scared as hell now.