Age 30 - 80 days
Hey everyone! I am new on this site; this is my first entry. I am currently toward the end of my second week of no PMO. I am a 30 year old male and have finally realized that I have been addicted to porn/sex/orgasm for the better part of 10 years. This really is a sneaky addiction because, unlike alcohol or crack, there isn't a lot of common knowledge about it. At least an alcoholic hears about the dangers of alcoholism everyday in the media, books, other people etc.
I had to finally get to the point where I was with a beautiful woman, had sex that was unsatisfying for me (and probably for her), and felt the strong urge to look at porn shortly after. I knew something was wrong so I decided to not look at any porn until I saw her again. Thats when the withdrawal symptoms started. I have heard many varying accounts of the withdrawal symptoms; let me tell you..mine SUCKED!!! To further attest to the power of this addiction, I really had no consciousness that the pain, anxiety, depression, insomnia increased need to masturbate and decreased ability to feel any pleasure whatsoever, were all related to my stint from porn. I attributed the symptoms to other things that were going on in my life, and there were quite a few stressful things going on.
Needless to say, as I went pretty well insane, that relationship failed. I went to doctors and shrinks and all I got was a bunch of pills for my symptoms which I later threw away. I knew that treating the symptoms was not going to cure the underlying problem. I had been viewing porn intermittently during this time, but the experiences were different. Now I was totally aware of the process and that my erections were many times poor during porn viewing. I became aware of my premature ejaculations and also delayed ejaculations (those that are hard to reach despite novel video after novel video). I had a vision of a man sitting in front of a computer screen jacking off and it absolutely disgusted me. I stopped the porn.
That wasn't enough. I am an extremely right-brained person and porn had basically hijacked my imagination. Masturbation without porn was not much different for my brain. I was very depressed. I found the site yourbrainonporn and found that I was not alone. I then learned about rebooting. It was a scary thing for me to do because I think that I have never gone for more than a few days without ejaculation since age 15 or 16. I have been a 1 to 3 time a dayer since 18 for sure.
My reboot experience is going very well so far. Thanks to testimonials from other rebootees, I know more what to expect. My morning erections are back. Since day 7 I have been able to get spontaneous erections by simply thinking about sex. I am noticing more subtle features on women to be attractive and am not so obsessed with simply tits and ass. Having a hard time still with banishing porn-like fantasies from my mind. I'm getting better at making sure that my fantasies are more realistic and that I am a participant and not an observer in them. I am getting stronger in the gym and am able to focus much better on reading and learning. I have had to stop watching TV for the most part (too many 2-D hotties).
If you really want to stop relapsing, I'll tell you what worked for me. I have told this to some friends of mine who I believe are unwitting porn addicts and it basically worked for them. When you get the urge to PMO, immediately form an image/video in your mind not of porn, but of you yourself looking at porn and masturbating. See yourself sitting, kneeling, whatever in front of your computer with your dick in your hand and that zombified, look on your face and I guarantee you will immediately become so disgusted with porn that you will want to do anything else. Though I continue to struggle with porn fantasy relapses, I have managed to not relapse into actual porn viewing by using this method. The process of PMO is absolutely revolting to me now! I only want to envision myself with real women where I am a participant, not an observer.
Ok so you guys know how when you are single you can't seem to get the time of day from a woman and the day you enter into a committed relationship it seems like every girl in the world wants a piece! I have tried long and hard to figure this one out and I have many theories. Whatever it is, i am finding that abstaining from PMO is starting to do the same thing. I am getting checked out right and left! Its CRAZY! I am a decent looking, well built guy but I have always struggled, like most men, to get adequate attention from the ladies. Except, of course, when I am in a serious relationship. Well here's the good news fellas. As far as I can tell, just let go of Mr. Winkie for a spell and see what happens. Don't understand it (maybe someone can enlighten me), but me likey! See next paragraph for an example!
Also, as an update to my progress, today (day16) marks the first day that I have felt genuine NATURAL sexual desire and sensations for real 3D women, without having to fantasize, since day 1 of no PMO. My progressive action today was cutting off my morning sexual fantasies by simply getting up out of bed and starting my day and NOT SPENDING MY FIRST HALF-HOUR DWELLING ON SEX AND MY MORNING WOOD. This afternoon, I was in a restaurant and this knock-dead gorgeous girl walked by me. She looked right at me, ran her fingers through her hair, smiled and said "Hi". It caught me off guard as I was ravenously devouring my meal after a workout. I smiled and nodded while chewing my steak. She later walked by again. This time she new I was looking and she messed with her hair again and sort of threw her head back, which caused her top to raise up exposing her belly button. HOLY MAMA!! It felt like all the blood in my body rushed down to my groin all at once causing a warm sensation and tingling. What's more, I could feel my entire body becoming aroused. I dropped my fork LOL! Now I was able to quickly ascertain that this girl was probably under age (she was there with her boyfriend who was obviously in high school from the looks of it), so I didn't pursue things. Its not that I suddenly popped a boner or anything, but I had the strong, confident feeling that I could have taken her right then and there, if I were so inclined and ready to go to jail LOL! Also, I really felt better after that incident than I ever remember feeling after a PMO session, even though there was no sex of any kind. I just felt manly and confident and full of life force! Anyway, by no means fully rebooted, but every day is showing some hint of progress so far.
Ok guys. Ive got a new story to tell about something amazing that happened this very night (night 21). But first I must share my discoveries/theories about the rebooting stage that I'm currently in. I am finding that fantasy, for me, is the final thread that must be cut to truly detach myself from the grip of porn. Unfortunately it seems to be the strongest of all threads. Giving up porn was like throwing my poor brain off of the boat into a life boat. Giving up Masturbation was like throwing him into the water with a floaty. It feels like when I let go of the fantasies, my brain is going "Hey, WHAT THE HELL MAN!" as I withdraw the floaty. And then it's into the deep! This is what I experienced between days 16 to today (21)..flatline. My story from day 16 (Holy MAMA!) is the last good experience I had before the flatline. It has been so tempting to relapse into fantasy because, I have this feeling that the only way I can attain a spontaneous erection (which is the only kind I am aloud to have) is to dwell on sexual fantasy. The brain craves it more and more as you try to stop. The good news is (bad news for the impatient) is that as you let go of fantasy and begin to allow reality to take its place, your mind begins to become less sensitive to the fantasies. Unfortunately, i am finding that it looses sensitivity to the fantasies before it begins to embrace reality resulting in a period of time where it seems that nothing is stimulating (flatline). Very scary. But not to fear! See next paragraph:
I hooked up with an amazing, beautiful, intelligent woman tonight. She is someone from my past that I have always liked, but our paths just never crossed in that way. I was very apprehensive at first when she texted me that she really wanted to see me tomorrow night (tonight). I knew that I hadn't rebooted and, what's worse, that I was in flatline. I had a crucial exam the next day and between that, and the anxiety over wondering what to do in regards to this girl, I couldn't sleep at all. So after having no rest, sitting through a 4-hour exam, and being in flatline, I proceeded to text her that I wanted to meet her at 8:00. I realized that it's not like I can just blow her off until I think I'm rebooted, which could be another 60+ days for all I know; I must go for it now. So we hooked up and I'm sooooo glad I did. We had dinner, a few drinks and shot pool. Then we went back to her car and started to make out. At first, I wasn't feeling anything down there but warmth and some increased blood-flow. It's weird to be physically aroused and totally into it but no erection. Eventually, the moment that I think we all dread the most happened when she made mention of the fact that she couldn't "feel me". That was a shitty moment! But heres where it all turned around. At this point, I thought, "I can make up some BS excuse as to why this is happening, or I can just F-n grow a pair and tell her about porn addiction, rebooting and the whole mess and let the chips fall where they may." So, after some brief consideration, I told her the truth. To my surprise, she was very understanding about the many forms of sexual addiction and how they can effect the brain (so smart meeeeowww). I told her that I would have to take it slow and that it wouldn't be a good idea to go all the way until I was rebooted. This actually led to a very stimulating conversation about sex, love, spirituality, and culture. This led to us making out again. As things got hotter and as she rubbed against me I eventually got hard. At no point did I touch myself or anything. We must have continued making out for 2 hours. It was amazing. I kept it clean for the most part -- no going into the pants. She was loving it too. We both felt real connection. I really really like this girl and intend to pursue things further. It's weird, on day 15 say, my fantasies could give me an erection in about 20 seconds, but it took me like 15 minutes to get one with a real woman. This shows that there is a huge difference between fantasy and the real thing in terms of the whole reproductive process and that I am still not fully rebooted. It also shows, however, that flatline is not necessarily absolute, though it is real. After that amazing experience I don't even feel like fantasizing. I'd rather just wait until I see her again.
I do have a question though. Was this episode detrimental, or helpful to the reboot? The making out did become rather vigorous (dry-humping etc.) before I got hard. I hope I haven't desensitized my brain to all of the subtle and beautiful things leading up to that. I know in the past I could get an erection from just kissing a woman's hand or seeing her bend over. Plus, even as I am writing this sentence, about 3 hours after the session, I still have painful blue-balls from hell and, per the rules of the reboot, I have no way to relieve this pressure! I feel like my prostate is crying uncle! How far is too far? How much is too much? I have found a beautiful woman who want's to take it slow with me and is totally understanding about the rebooting so I don't want to miss this opportunity to do things right.
Well everyone. If you read my last post you know that I have met a wonderful, beautiful woman, who wants to take it slow and is fully aware of my addiction recovery. We seem to have a deep spiritual connection that is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I find myself being turned on unexpectedly all the time when we are on the phone. We have only been on one date, which was probably the best first date of my life. We are going to see each other tomorrow. She is going with me to the town I will be moving to, about 2.5 hours away from her, to look at housing (for me - we aren't moving in together yet..lol!)
Our first date was three days ago, we had known each other before, and we did have a vigorous make-out session which I described in my last post. And yes, Marnia, you were absolutely right about it having gone too far for me at this point in the recovery (Listen to her guys, she knows what's up!). I had what I can only describe as a hangover that lasted for the next 2 days. Today I feel a little better and my morning erection is coming back - I woke up after a wet dream flaccid, but with sex on the brain and the erection came up very quickly after about 10 sec of being awake - sort of a delayed morning erection.
My brain is finally starting to make the distinction between arousal and fantasy and I think this is very important. I am way into this woman that I am seeing, and it is helping me to not fantasize about other women that I see every day. And the time I spend with her, both in person and on the phone or email, I am finding to be satisfying to the point that I need fantasy less and less. So today I had two very good libido related experiences that are definitely glimmers of hope for the future. Firstly, I went to the bank and the teller was very attractive. When I gave her my form and was close enough to see her body, I felt a charge of blood rush to my penis and a tingling sensation at the head. This happened instantaneously and WITHOUT FANTASY. I didn't give it another thought. The same thing happened when I was on my way home and I saw a beautiful girl with super short shorts on walking her dog. No fantasy, just natural spontaneous arousal. I didn't imagine either of these women having sex in a movie or watching myself have sex with them, or undress them with my eyes or anything like that. Its like I can finally sense that fantasy and arousal occur in different parts of my brain and they don't have to be so exclusively connected. The arousal just happened spontaneously and that's how we are made. I'm getting a glimpse of what it must be like for a man who has never seen a sex scene on TV, or certainly internet porn, who has not been constantly inundated with artificial hypersexual erotica everywhere he turns, who has not become desensitized to REAL sexual stimulus.
My goodness! Could it be: Men don't need Porn. Men don't need masturbation. Men don't even need sexual fantasy. Men just need women!?? I don't know if fantasy is generally detrimental. It may be healthy for some people. All I know is that I am enjoying my freedom from it for the time being Smiling So thats officially day 25 no PMO and day 1 of successful no F.
So has no PMO been worth while so far? Have the results shown enough promise to make it worth it to continue with the rewiring and the ups and downs inherent? Is this all a bunch of BS? Should I just give in to the notion that I need porn to feel a sense of happiness and normalcy? To answer these questions I figured that I would take a step back and look at the concrete, measurable things that have changed in my life since I started. Here they are:
Passed all three of my board exams, each on the first try (not many people can do this)
Got a job at one of the top facilities in the country
Moving out of my parents house to a great new city with a booming economy
Getting macked on by women everywhere
Blood Pressure is down
Getting stronger with weights
Improved my cardio
Morning/night erections - check
Other spontaneous erections - check
Closer connection with my creator!!!
Met the woman of my dreams and we are falling fast for one another!!!
Gee I don't know...
Yes I have experienced bad days and I know there are more to come. I have flatlined and been depressed and anxious. Yes, there have been times when I thought my junk was just going to pack up it's shit and leave. But the facts speak for themselves. This is changing my life. Porn is unhealthy for me and I will happily never look at it again. I would like to do a full 90 days of no PMO. That may be a bit long for me, but I think I would rather err on the side of safety before I go for the M or certainly the O. Still dealing with flashbacks, and some anxiety.
Day 32 - Orgasm
My so far successful reboot has taken a sudden turn. Yesterday, for whatever reason, I was feeling kind of low. I didn't have any morning wood and not much libido. I did, however, spend the day with my new girl. Anyhow, to make a long story short, we ended up dry-humping that night, which, after a long day of being turned on with no release and being 32 days without orgasm, unexpectedly caused me to O! WTF! This has never happened to me before from dry humping and I'm not even sure that I was fully erect when it happened. I guess my brain thought that I had been, more or less, having sex all day.
I felt terrible afterwards and I had insomnia last night. Don't feel well this morning. I'm depressed and I can only seem to focus on the negatives in life. My brain was not ready for O. I did not mean to do it. The O itself felt good, but I very shortly after began to feel ill. I feel like my brain is literally fried! As good as this relationship is, it is coming at a very difficult time in my reboot - letting go of fantasy. For example, with this girl I have been getting quicker and harder erections through texting and phone conversations than I do when I am actually with her. But I find that these fantasies are easily converted to pornographic fantasies in my mind. My best guess is that the new neurological pathways that I am building are not yet strong enough to handle such an intense level of stimulation. I plan to press on with the reboot and I will have to dial back the intensity of the sexual activity. I don't think that the previous 32 days of abstention from PMO have been in vain, thus I am going to look at today as 32-1 - first day after 32nd day relapse. I want to make it 90 days either from today or at least from day 1.
(Next day) I don't know why I feel so awful today, 1st day after O, I already am getting that "find another woman" feeling and feel almost like running from the relationship.
(Day after that) I definitely have a lower sensitivity for pleasure the last two days - anxiety, depression and difficulty sleeping as well. I literally feel "fried". My next question is will I always feel this way for this long post - O or will this change when my brain gets back into balance?
(Following day) It turns out that the girl I have been seeing was in a funk too. We talked last night and she told me she has bipolar disorder and was feeling very depressed. She said she was having doubts about the relationship - long distance turning into longer distance with me moving, me starting a new career in a new city. I also had my doubts, and I figured it was a good time to let her know too.
I wish this wasn't getting to me so much. She is a wonderful woman, but we have only been together for a short while and i think we probably rushed the exclusivity and the emotional aspects of the relationship. I am just having a hard time dealing with the uncertainty. How do i reboot now? Do I flirt with other girls? We are not married or engaged. Why do I make things so hard for myself? I am trying to just relax and see how things will unfold one way or another. The bottom line is this - I must continue to reboot and rewire. I feel that keeping that at the forefront of my set of goals will help me weather this storm. I have been trying not to fantasize and give my brain a rest. I am so scared! What is happening to my mind? I just have to remember that my reboot was going very well before I met this woman. And though things got even better for a time when i met her, it doesn't mean that I can't resume the journey without her. I am not saying that i am going to just give up on the relationship - I just want to make sure that the success or failure of my rewiring is not dependent upon this relationship working out.
My now former sweetheart and I are now just friends. She called me to suggest this though I had been thinking the same but was going to refrain from saying anything just yet. Unfortunately, Orgasm at day 32 caused severe mood problems, and a vicious chaser effect and happened when semi-erect as far as I could tell (symptom of Porn addiction PE). The relationship was a positive and negative force for the reboot. I got a lot of real woman stimulation, but I also had a great deal of porn type fantasies with her and am still at the point where those tend to be more arousing than the real. However, fantasy is slowly losing its grip on me and I will gladly risk flatline if that's what continuing the journey means.
There is no more reason to fantasize about sex than there is to fantasize about a meal or a football game or a roller coaster. You just enjoy them when they happen. I think frequent fantasizing is a symptom of heavy porn use for me. Its a left over. Just getting frustrated. I know my erections are still not as impressive as they were in the porn/manual stimulation for sex days, but I am faithful that eventually nature and my genetics will overcome!
I have noticed that as I have let go of sexual fantasy throughout the day I have been more in the moment and have been experiencing increased pleasure from doing everyday things. Plus, eye contact with lovely ladies (especially double takes) is becoming especially yummy to me. When I sense that a potential mate is being receptive, it sends this rush through me that is hard to explain.
I want to let you all know that I have now 1st person experience with the use it or lose it concern and, as far as I can tell, there is nothing to be concerned about. I have already blogged about my relapse into O on day 32 with a woman. I have discussed how it was a good experience, although all too early in my rewiring. I have discussed how it set me back in the reboot and how it brought on anxiety, depression, and a mean-ass chaser effect. But I haven't discussed one of the positives - the quality of the ejaculation. Yes, in fact, I have NEVER felt my cum be so thick, abundant and warm (almost hot). There was a TON of it - I was soaked. Anyhow - 32 days of no O and, aside from having lab work done to test my sperm count, I can assure all of my fellow PMO recoverees that your prostate and testes are working just fine. The problem is truly in the brain and nowhere else. If anything, I feel like my junk needed a long-overdue rest after years and years of 2-4 orgasms per day. Oh the sperm I have squandered lol!
Now that I am experiencing the second flatline, probably the more true flatline, I am realizing that what I perceived as a spike in libido earlier in the reboot was only partially such. I think for me it was a mixture of returning sensitivity to real women in 3D and a returning sensitivity to my many times porn-laced fantasies (those which allowed me to masturbate without actually viewing porn). Now I am kicking the fantasy and experiencing another flatline. Logic suggests that the true libido, that which is based in reality, will come back to claim all, or at least the majority, of my sexual functioning. This is scary though, I realize that I was actually exposed to sex scenes in movies as early as age 4 or so. Additionally, I am a very imaginative person so I think fantasy was always a major part of my libido even without the advent of "porn". So this is going to be wild. It's times like this that I thank good golly goodness that I have had natural successful and very pleasurable sex before to remind me that I am fully capable of it intrinsically. All too many times, however, I have been out of the moment during sex - watching myself as if I was in a porn movie and wondering why I wasn't performing well.
Have any of you PMO recoverees bothered to tally up all of the sexual partners you have had? I, of course, mean for you to consider porn stars as partners as your primitive brain cannot tell the difference. The only way I could do this was by averages and estimation based on years of abuse, times a day and average number of women viewed in a single session. The number yielded by porn so dwarfs the number of actual women I, or anyone else for that matter, have physically been with that I didn't even bother adding in the real sexual partners. Here goes: ages 20 - 30 (average of 2 views a day) x (average of 5 new girls per view) x 365 x 10 = 36,500. Let me write that number out because it bares writing out: thirty-six THOUSAND five-hundred sets of tits and ass. That does not include the many women that I viewed during the "hunting for suitable mates" phases of PMO sessions, nor does it include repeat videos and repeat porn stars. And I wonder why none of my relationships have worked out - even the ones where the sex was dynamite?
Morning erections are fading away. But I know its only a matter of time before my natural libido comes back. The good news is that I am driven to start socializing asap. When you let go of PMO TV AND fantasy, you literally have no other options than socializing or complete insanity. Going to the bookstore to buy "The Power of Now" and there damn-well better be some chicks there lol!
It's amazing how the great libido pendulum swings around. The last week or so, as I have been purging sexual fantasy out of my mind and dealing with the grubby withdrawals from that, I have felt lost, lonely, confused, almost asexual, worried, anxious and depressed. The only thing that was keeping me going was faith in my creator, nature and in the reboot process. Getting fantasy out of your system starts out as a hard task. It starts to get easier after a while. Then you notice that your libido starts to completely depart from you, even in your mind. You start to lose all desire for sex. At that point, I started to panic, I tried to force fantasy with little to no results on the penis. Many times I would try to fantasize and I had a hard time constructing a fantasy at all. It was like a skill that I was losing the ability for. At some point I just completely let go. I figured if fantasy was going to be that hard to conjure, I might as well just relax and let it truly pass away. This results in a flatline of the libido, both in the pants and in the brain (was scaring the SH*T out of me). But, as I said in my last post, the night is darkest before the dawn...
Today was incredible! For the first time since I can remember, probably when I was 23 or so, I had spontaneous erections in public induced by nothing more than the presence of beautiful women. I felt like an animal! But in a good way! I knew something was different on my drive into town. I saw a woman jogging and suddenly I felt a rush of blood down there. I wasn't fantasizing at all; it just happened. I saw another woman and it happened again, only stronger. And another and again and stronger still. What was going on? I was in orientation for my new job and there were quite a few very well dressed hotties in the room - one was sitting next to me Smiling About five minutes into one of the presentations (I was actually paying attention believe it or not), the girl next to me started playing with her hair. I was instantly aroused - I couldn't help it! There were probably a total of 5 very attractive women in my field of view and I started really noticing them. Some were making eye contact and some weren't. I started feeling like a damn baboon! Before I knew it, SSHHWWWIINNG! We have liftoff! The funny thing is, I was capable of paying adequate attention to the presentations while covering up my boner with my books. I had probably a 50% 60% erection for about a total of half an hour or more during the pres. NO fantasy, truly spontaneous - just from looking and eye contact. There were probably times where it spiked up to about 80% which was enough to cause the books to start jumping up and down (I am a compulsive PC muscle flexer lol!). I scooted back in my chair and sat forward to cage the madness.
I say to all you PMO addiction recoverees, ditch the PMO AND the fantasy. Don't be afraid (I certainly was, but I shouldn't have been). Rediscover your sexuality! I can feel the power of this process. It is undeniable, irrefutable. When I got home I had an extreme temptation to fantasize and masturbate, but I am deciding to take that energy to the gym and later to study.
Well the pendulum is swinging back and the libido has dipped again. I'm starting to catch on to a vague pattern, but its probably best not to spend too much time trying to figure it out. Not a problem though, I know another dynamite experience is on the way. I think 90 days is a good idea it will also give me time to work on other aspects of my sexuality such as performance anxiety. I have always struggled with this from time to time, and I am currently practicing techniques to stay in the moment and experience all of life, not just sex, in the present moment. I believe that as I work on this and continue to abstain from PMO and minimize fantasy, I will continue to transform. I have decided that whatever the case, at the end of probably 90, but NO LATER THAN 110 days I will have no anxiety related to sex whatsoever, whether I have had sex or not. BTW I was able to convert all of that libido energy into a dynamite workout yesterday!
So fantasy is pretty much gone. Libido is jumping around with huge spikes and huge depressions. I am in a new town and am feeling extreme urgency to figure out how to inject myself into the social pipeline and meet women. I have a few ideas for tonight along those lines.
Lately I have found that I am anxious and depressed without female attention. It doesn't take much though. Just some flirtation, eye contact, and/or a brief conversation with an attractive woman can do the trick. Libido spikes and dips aside, I am generally becoming far more aroused by the presence of women. As fantasy fades away, I find that I analyze my sexual urges much less. For example, if I see an attractive woman and feel aroused, my first instinct is not to construct a sexual fantasy in my mind. I simply enjoy looking at her. On a day like day 48, when my libido was soaring, I would have gotten some level of an erection. On a day like today I would just feel good, like taking a breath of fresh air. In neither case did I need to fantasize. Fantasy is not gone, but I think my NEED for it is going away. Also my ability to construct the fantasies is not quite as fine tuned, so I don't bother forcing it.
The only negative side effect of all of this is that I feel as though I MUST get out and interact with women or I will grow ill. So days where I don't have time to do so are becoming rather bothersome.
I have had wet dreams on and off throughout this process. Morning erections have come and gone in surges. Currently not getting morning erections the last week or so. Even on day 48 when I had spontaneous erections during the day just from being around women, i did not have a morning erection that morning or the following one.
It seems that there are all of these forces that are at work: Erections, morning erections, orgasm/urge to orgasm, feeling of horniness etc. I feel like during the rewiring, these forces have all been there, but they are all kind of marching to their own beat. There have been times where i had the urge to O but wasn't horny and didn't have an erection. There have been times when I have felt really horny and felt nothing downstairs. There have been long spans of days where i would wake up with an erection and, after it was gone, I would be in complete flatline the rest of the day. But days like day 16, my brief relationship from days 22 to 35, and most importantly day 48 have shown me that things start working more harmoniously as time goes on.
Good news and bad. The good: Fantasies were all first-person, realistic and involved women that I have interacted with post-porn; I didn't use hardly any grip and the erection was super hard and big and lasted as long as I wanted it to; I definitely chose to O it was fully controllable. I just gave in. The bad: I am not fully rebooted yet; I know this because the libido still jumps around and has really been quite low for the last few weeks. Very infrequent morning erections and virtually no spontaneous. I guess I had been getting impatient and had been fantasizing and manually inducing my erections and edging lately. Today I didn't feel very arousable. However, I didn't have the urge to binge on MO or PMO. No real post O hangover except a bit of trouble sleeping - probably just pissed because I broke a promise to myself. Anyway, I am striving to at least get to day 90 from here with no PMOF. I do know that the magical experiences of days 48 and 49 were about two weeks after a realapse into O. So I don't think its entirely unlikely that I will see another spike like this. Maybe it will last 3 days.
(Next day) I relapsed. It started with an MO on night 69 and led to edging to a few porn images on night 70 and then MO'ing twice that night. Bad news: MO led to a porn chaser which led to an MO binge. I can definitely feel the strengthening of the old porn pathway making it harder to be turned on by real women. Good news: All three MO erections were rock hard and lasted as long as I wanted with very light touch and very realistic, first-person fantasy involving women that I have met post-porn. Also, the porn was only an image of a woman's ass which was enough to do the trick. I still had to use light manual stimulation to assist the erections, which, I think resulted from the edging I had been doing the last week or so. It really was a slippery slope story that started around day 60.
I am not too worried about all of this, I know I am much better off than when I started and my sensitivity, though temporarily numbed, will return. I will see the glory of days 48 and 49 renewed in my second reboot (really an extension of the first).
For the record, I would say that I am probably somewhere between 70 to 90% healed, but I want 100 or 110%.THe same voice that told me that I might have a problem with porn and led me to this site is telling me that I am not quite there yet and I need to be patient. Here goes again - no PMOF. If I find a girlfriend before it is done, we will see what happens. Maybe I can interest her in some karezza. Don't know still getting settled into a new environment with no friends or social groups. I will make it happen though. If I play my cards right, the perfect reboot time will hopefully closely coincide with the time that I find a girl. I will fully recover and get my life back. I will have a fulfilling love life. Period.
The effects of my relapse are already fading away. I am feeling very arousable. I even got a bit of a semi erection while I was flirting with a girl in the gym. This is amazing to me because I was sweating and panting and my heart rate was certainly up. Miles away from relaxation, but I felt a strong desire throughout my body to take her and my penis was definitely responding. I honestly think that I am pretty much there. Staying away from fantasy is key. Staying in the moment is key.
I actually had somewhat of another breakthrough a few days ago. I was on a really bad date. This girl was so socially awkward and frigid-acting that I couldn't believe it. She really needs to loosen up. I kind of feel bad because I only wend out with her because I really needed some female attention and I guess I had a good feeling that she would hang out with me. We had been going on dates on and off over the last two years and I already knew what to expect from her. Not my type personality-wise. Attractive enough though. Later on we started kissing in her car. She was very nervous and kind of resisting, but she said she wanted to continue. She wouldn't let me kiss/touch her anywhere accept for her face and hands. It was enough to give me a boner. I think I was half there even when I was caressing and kissing her wrist. But she kept saying she had to go and was getting very nervous. I said ok and let her go. Whatever. I consider this a breakthrough in a way, because I was getting fully aroused with a woman who was willing, but not really into it and acting in a very frigid non sexual way. This is a huge turn-off to me as well it should be. It was a turn off but it didn't stop me from becoming erect for a time. It takes turn-offs a little while to effect a good erection lol! Honestly, I think I am pretty much cured.
I met another girl today from my old town. She wants to hang out whenever I am in town. We'll see how it goes. Still working on tackling the Nashville social issue. I'll get it.
In a nutshell Day 78 - O on day 32, MO day 68, PM and MOx2 on day 70. Reboot has not been perfect, but it is working well. Given my recent relapse, I would like to extend my goal to 100 days, but if I get to 90 and a sex opportunity comes along (with someone that has some relationship potential of course), I will probably not pass it up.
I was going to blog on this several days ago, but I wanted to give it some time to make sure that it wasn't just one of those random mood/libido spikes. Not at all the case. I don't mean to let you guys down by not having a sex story to go with my recovery claim (lol!) but I believe that I am cured. I just feel natural virile and horny. I have had a few recent sexual encounters (one around Haloween and one last weekend) that involved very minimal touch and kissing. Both brief episodes gave me an erection each time. In fact, the second encounter was with a girl who was acting so nervous and awkward that it was kind of turning me off, but I guess I forgot to tell my pecker about that LOL! 80% erection with a girl who would only let me kiss her on the mouth and touch her hands and face; plus she was so tense that she literally was shaking. The date was actually quite horrible and she is really not my type, but it was enough to get me all rowdy. Oh yeah and the 1st one involved a girl who I wasn't really interested in either. I was totally smashed drunk and started holding her hand. I started to pet her hand and stroke the inside of her wrist. This gave me about a 50% erection and I was so drunk I could barely walk! I currently have a couple new prospects and I will certainly let you all know if an when my recovery can be proven by more "hard" evidence (: Morning erections are back, they really seem to follow my mood patterns. If I have a really shitty day or don't sleep well then I might not wake up with one - who cares thats life.
More importantly than erections, I simply feel better. I feel like I have truly awakened. This 90-110 day trial (still planning on finishing for good measure) has been a recovery not only or my sexuality, but for my entire person. Rebooting from porn led me to discover that, to a large degree, it was OCD that caused me to be a hypersexual, compulsive PMO addict and that OCD had been affecting/controlling many other aspects of my life. My OCD, since I finally recognized it, is a thing of the past; conquered through the power of living in the present moment. Sexually, I just feel right! I work around many beautiful women. Do I walk around with a boner 24/7? Of course not. Do I get spontaneous erections during the day? Yes, but I don't stress about it if I am standing beside a hot woman and I don't have one. I just have the confidence that if we were to start getting physical, I would get hard. End of story. ED worries are a distant memory of a memory. Life's to short to worry about that anyway. My penile sensitivity is through the roof compared to when I began. My fantasies (the few times I fantasize) are natural, totally realistic, and not at all like the over-the-top, incredibly detailed, scripted, 3rd person fantasies that I used to have back in the porn days which could only get me hard with the aid of extensive and vigorous manual stimulation. For example, I had some down time at work and started fantasizing about a girl I recently met while I was back in my home town. I would say it took about 1 to 2 minutes of fantasizing to give me a full erection with no manual help whatsoever. Now I don't mean to be a hypocrite, as I have been, and still am a proponent of minimizing fantasy during the reboot. I wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't given up fantasy for the most part for most of the reboot and all together for considerable spells.
I did recently relapse, for those of you who read my last blog. I had one last battle with anxiety that led to some MO and eventually a PM with no O (edging). However, what I am calling porn was only a still image of a woman's ass in a bikini. The relapse didn't effect me for long and it didn't lead to further cravings. It was a minor slip after 70 days of abstinence. By no means did it erase the work that I had done up to that point. Libido was down for the next couple days but soon came roaring back along with my mood and sense of well being.
I just don't worry about my penis anymore. It's just not natural for a man to be consumed by insecurities or even concerns about the functionality of his pecker. You just start making love and one thing leads to another and its all about the fun, the bonding, hopefully the love for those lucky few!
I really can't say enough about this. I will be 31 in December. Combined with staying physically fit, driven to succeed, and keeping a positive outlook, my reboot journey has left me feeling like a horn-dog teenager all over again. Although this time I am far wiser, have more self control, and have a hell of a lot more to offer women. Thank you Gary and Marnia! Thank you all my fellow journeymen for your support and for sharing your triumphs and struggles! I will probably be blogging at a lower frequency for a while but I will be frequently checking up on you guys. I will keep you all posted as more positive developments come about in my love life as I am sure they will.
Well I'm checking back in with another update. I would say to any of you who are at that "I think I might be cured but something's telling me that I need more time" phase to be patient and listen to your gut. I experimented with MO around day 80 and I figured I was cured. I won't say that I was wrong, but I am glad that I have abstained since then. My libido is now consistently increasing and I am feeling more and more natural and complete, literally renewed. My morning erections are insane! I don't even think about it anymore they are just there. I get up to wash my face, and brush my teeth and I am still rock hard. I was standing around at work the other day and though about this girl I know for a second. I didn't really dwell on it, but before I knew it I was walking around kind of hunched over to hide my erection. This is not a one moment, or even a one day thing either. I have been in this state for at least the last 4 or 5 days.
I will be hanging out with a new girl this weekend. I don't really know what is going to happen but I will let you all know how it goes. Anyhow, pressing on to day 110 maybe 120 for good measure. At this point, I am only talking about no P, no M and no O except with a woman. I do plan for M to be a part of my weekly routine at some point, but I am currently enjoying the benefits of stretching out my reboot time.
Stay strong guys. I never EVER would have believed that this would have worked if not for the blogs and stories from those who had experienced great success. Take as long as your brain/body needs and don't compare yourself to others. True signs of improvement will be irrefutable. You WILL know when you are getting better. If there is any doubt, give yourself some more time. It's not a race. Also, you have to get around women. Even if its just friendly relationships. Even if its going out on the town with no intention of taking a woman home. The reboot has really driven home to me that we humans are social beings. Porn can fool you into believing that you can be content in perpetual solitude, but it is an illusion. When PMO is out of the picture, especially if you go as far as no PMOF, you will be madly driven to make connections with real women. Meditation is a great tool as well. Learn to channel your frustration/sexual energy/urge to PMO into more productive activities. If and WHEN you enter a flatline phase, do not be upset but REJOICE! Why? Because it means that you are one step closer to success. I don't think anyone has recovered without a significant flatline phase or two or three. I personally had three total.
I used to think that I had a penile injury when I was unknowingly addicted to porn and masturbating way too frequently. Not true. Definitely harder and as big/bigger than ever. And the erections take little to no encouragement to last. Many mornings I walk around the house with my morning erection and it remains full and firm as I go through my morning rituals. I get spontaneous erections during the day sometimes for no reason that I can identify, lol! I guess sometimes the libido is just getting restless. I personally believe that the problem of PMO addiction involves also over-masturbation for a lot of guys. Not everyone agrees with me on this and I agree that it is very debatable. However, I KNOW that for me, abstaining completely from M during the reboot was essential. And now that I have reintroduced it into my life, I do it very infrequently. The result has been consistently better erection quality, and sustainability. Sensitivity and arousability is like night and day compared to before. I do not have a penile injury I know that now
My renewed libido has been defying the odds. The last week has been one of the most stressful work-weeks of my life. What was supposed to be back to back 12 hour shifts turned into back to back 13 hour shifts full of mayhem that I will not bother describing. Very tired, beat up, pissed, whatever. However, despite the stress, morning erections have been there pretty much every morning. The last three days I have been experiencing extreme and increasingly natural levels of horniness, including spontaneous erections during the day (sitting down, walking around, even when I'm working which can be awkward lol).
I am talking to a few women at the moment. I don't think any of these girls are going to be quick to jump in bed but I have no doubts about my readiness at this point. Being horny and not having a woman to have sex with is obviously very frustrating. However, that's where life after the reboot comes into play. Now, I have all kinds of ways in which I can channel and redirect sexual energy when I don't have a natural or healthy outlet. Having a great appreciation for the benefits of conserving my vital energy, I am much more likely to read a book, work out, start a new illustration or go out on the town than to masturbate. Moreover, I honestly don't think I will ever give in to porn again. Still working on figuring out my optimal MO/O schedule. As for now, I am really enjoying the benefits of abstention. I have noticed that it didn't take me as long to recover from my latest MO than it did the times shortly before. I think its been about a week and a half since. The plan is to only M when I just can't get rid of the painfully hard erection/blue balls and I have no woman. I can't really use wet dreams as a guide, because for one, I have them very often, and secondly, I never orgasm during the dreams even though they are highly pleasurable.
Just taking it slow with no worries. I never thought I would say this but what else can I say - "I like not masturbating!"
I have been off of porn for 150+ days and am still noticing improvements as time passes. This is a good thing, but it also means that the damage is still being undone even now.
From the reboot standpoint, I'm doing spectacular! Any time my girlfriend and I make out, caress etc., I get rock hard and it usually lasts for the entire time. I really just don't worry about penile function anymore. I seem to have morning wood pretty much every morning with the exception of mornings when I am woken up by my alarm clock after 4 hours of sleep. Spontaneous erections throughout the day are more the norm than the anomaly now. I am closer to finding an ideal schedule for MO simply based on MO'ing only when I have a persistent erection and that feeling that I have to release the energy or I will explode. In my current situation, living alone and being in a long distance relationship, that ultimately has been boiling down to MO'ing about once a week. Fantasies are minimal and they are usually only in my mind at the onset of arousal. After that, I have found that I can easily MO while focusing primarily on the sensations. I also feel that I have far greater control of my ejaculations as well. Its like I can choose precisely if and when I orgasm and ejaculate. On one hand, I am frustrated that I have still not had a chance to "officially" test out my repaired libido, however, on the other hand I don't regret abstaining for this extended period because I am actually still experiencing improvements. It just keeps getting better and better. I am so confident around women now its ridiculous. And its not some kind of sleezy, conceited confidence, but more of a calm, easy sense of self assurance. The old, primitive, natural sexual cues are what turn me on now (like when a woman flips her hair back, walks with a nice, subtle swing of the hips, or smiles at me). The days of porn are over and its influence on my mind has nearly faded into oblivion.
My hard work has finally paid off. After 3 weeks of no MO, and minimal F (I think no P is a given for me at this point), I finally got to be with my girlfriend for a 5 day stretch off of work. It actually started off kind of crappy because I was very late getting there and kind of stood her up with her friends at a restaurante. It's a long story and it had to do with a huge miscommunication blunder at the last minute on the day that I left. Anyhow, I was alreay a little nervous because that's me before sex, especially after having so little success lately. On top of that I was in the dog house right off the bat - not exactly how we were expecting the visit to begin. Anyhow, I was able to smooth things over through much apology and offering to make it up to her and her friends as soon as possible.
I guess Ill cut to the chase. I cant really account for how many times we had sex, or how much time we spent having sex over the last 5 days, but it was enough to completely wear out my 21 yo girlfriend who has a sexual appetite that is downright intimidating (Im 31). It started out kind of clunky. The first night I PE'd once after about 20 seconds, and then again about 15 minutes later after about 2 minutes. I finished her off with oral. The next morning we had sex and I went for about 5 minutes. After breakfast we had sex again and I lasted for about 5 minutes again. About 20 minutes later we had sex again and this time I lasted for about 30 minutes and she came multiple times. I actually stopped that time when she said she was done and I was content not to finish (I would like to get the hang of non-orgasmic sex eventually). That night she said she was tired and we were not having sex and I said fine but we ended up having sex again and I came after a few minutes, which I think resulted from having not climaxed earlier. Finished her off with oral again.
The next day she left to go to school before I got up. Woke up with a mad erection by the way. She came back from school and we went hiking all day. Came home and had sex twice. The second time I lasted for a long time - enough for her to climax. She left early again the next day and I wouldn't see her until much later. We finally went for a day without sex, which I think we both needed. The final day we were charge up again - at least twice in the morning (the latest time lasting about 30 minutes causing her to orgasm) and twice again when we got back home from another hike. The last time was interrupted after about 40 minutes when the mattress was shaken off the support beams. I had to get back home and we were both content to call it quits at that point.
Let me add that our relationship is NOT all about sex and we had a fantastic time doing other things such as watching movies, cooking, hiking, going shopping etc. And I don't believe the sex would have been so frequent and fantastic if we didn't truly like eachother and/or were obsessed with sex.
Anyhow, though I failed miserably in my attemt at non-orgasmic sex, I succeeded quite well with standard sex and actually feel pretty good after not climaxing the last time. On the down-side, all the sexual activity and orgasm, mixed with some significant seasonal allergies rendered me virtually unable to sleep during all of this time. So I am quite fatigued.
In a nutshell, it has been well over 170 days since I began the reboot. Started M'ing after about 85 days at a low frequency. Cut out M entirely for about a month (last month). Had some PE problems earlier this month. Continued to abstain from MO and F. Now I believe my brain has wired sufficiently to real sex and my body is finally preforming at a satisfactory level. Hang in there guys and please don't give up. This stuff WORKS! Believe it. I am continuing to try to slow things down so that I can last long without orgasm and have sex many times without O. Its a long road ahead, but very enjoyable one! Stay strong!
Hello everyone! I have been off of the rebalancing site for quite a while. No big reason, just loving life and, of course, sex! Just checking back in to assure you all that you are on the right path. I have been dating the same girl for 10 months now. The sex has been mind-blowing and it continues to get better every day. If someone asked me what my secret to rock-hard reliable erections was I would simply tell them that it has been well over a year sinse I have viewed porn and basically 10 months since I have masturbated. I am almost 32 years old and I continually wear-out my 21 year old, track athelete, girlfriend in bed. I can make her cum vaginaly, which is something I used to have a lot of trouble with because I could rarely last long enough. We still don't live together officially yet. She stays with me usually in 3 to 7-day strethes. During these visits, we usually end up having sex somewhere between 3 and 6 times a day. I have taken a, kind of hybrid approach to karrezza, mixing non-orgasmic sexual activities into the orgasmic sex routine. As good as the sex is, I am still succeptible to the coolidge effect and the allure of novelty.
I have become attuned to my body and mind well enough to sense when my desire is diminishing. Luckily, though this usually means my erection might take a little more coersion than usual, these are the times when I can last forever in bed and really make her cum like crazy while preventing myself from cumming. I have many times experienced ejaculation without loss of erection and being able to go right back into sex after cleanup. I can literally last for hours. Please note that I am not trying to brag. I am simply trying to reassure all of you that NO PMO WORKS!! I was probably as bad off as any of you. There were times that I wondered if I would ever get it up with a woman again. Preformance anxiety, vascular blockage, penis pills, testosterone levels..BULLSHIT!! Years of internet porn and excessive masturbation are the culprits, period. If I knew that sex could be this good back in those days I would have thrown my computer out the window! Anyhow, if anyone needs some advice or just wants to chat with someone who has been through the fire and come out the other side, I'll be checking the forum more regularly for a while.