I live in Belgium. I am greatly intrigued by personal development and lifestyle. Other than the life that society has decided is possible for us, I deeply believe that each and everyone one of us has the power to create his or her dream life and become the person they want to be.
This conviction was set to me because I accidently stumbled upon its proof. It is August 2014. I feel death inside. A never ending feeling of emptiness fills my belly. I smile so rarely that I have become uncomfortable when I do so. I fill the void with porn, video games and never-ending TV series. I never had a real girlfriend and I am unable to connect with the people around me. Because of fear of not being accepted as I am, I hide behind a false persona, a mysterious cool handsome guy that all girls love. I seek friends- and relationships online.
I click on every advertiser who promises me that in 1 week I will never be single again. I feel like a leaf in the wind. I can’t seem to get close to anyone because on a deeper level of intuition they all know that I am not real and I am not showing them who I really am. Why would I change? Online, I can be the alpha male of mating season. I can be a pirate on the seven seas or a cowboy seeking redemption for his outlaw past. I have dropped all hobbies that I was once passionate about. The relationship with my parents is very distant. I hate to spend time with them.
I keep wishing for a better life. But I continue to seek quick ways to solve my problems. But god praise, I get a mind shift. A simple article hits me like a hammer on the head… “How could I have been so blind? WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!”
In the following months, I start giving awareness to the way I live my life. I find out that I am addicted to porn and anything else that is easy to get by and gives great rewarding feelings for very few input. Like unhealthy eating, video games and movies. Never have I thought of giving up. I was determined that my life in 6 months will look better than it was today. I knew if I would keep going that I would triumph.
In that process, I failed so many times, and I always turned back to my comfort zone of instant gratification. I felt nothing was really happening. I felt shit and had major downs. I found out that my addiction to porn was greater than I thought. That period of my life was rock hard and scary. I gained so much confidence and self-discipline.
Every time I would turn back to porn or gaming I started to become aware of why I went back. I gained insights and started to take it very seriously. But as much as I sacrificed, everything wasn’t enough. I remember uncountable sleepless nights where I would twist and turn out of horniness. my whole body wanted to turn up that smartphone…
It is middle May, I am at a poker evening with my friends. One of them says that he is going to invite a girl from his neighbourhood. I have seen her, she is amazingly beautiful. My heart starts racing. After some chatting with the guys, I walk into the kitchen and I put my hands on the table and bend over. I take deep breaths multiple times. My face changes from anxiety to calmness. I will be strong and myself tonight.
She arrives. She is an exchange student from Turkey, we chat a little. I feel grounded, though my heart is relaxing I feel the anxiety in my belly. She doesn’t understand the game so I draw closer and whisper in her ears how the game works. Her smell is amazing, At the end of the evening, I ask if she likes sports? She answers “yes”. I asked her to go swim together at the local pool. She accepts with a lot of excitement.
2 weeks later that girl became my girlfriend. We created an amazing story. We had a distant relationship for 1 year. Hell, in 2015 I went on a cultural exchange to Turkey to be with her for one year. I was crazy about that girl. Though in the 6th month of my cultural exchange year, we decide to break up. I was unable to express my anger and negative emotions towards her so breaking trust and crumbling down our relationship further. Again I had shift moment where I finally gave awareness that we couldn’t go on like this anymore and that I was clamping onto something that wasn’t there. That was really freeing and empowering. We had an amazing breakup experience, we talked more deeply and open then never before. We cried a lot, we healed so much and I want to thank her for her beauty and openness and all the amazing memories we created together.
From the first day that I met her until this very day I never watched porn or played any video games.
In the course of 2 years, I’ve changed my life drastically. Day by day I am able to maintain a healthy lifestyle, growing every day. My favorite quote is “Doing the right thing at the moment you know it’s the right thing to do.” No more online life for me. I am seen and feel as a present man. I am able to connect with girls and I am able to share my authentic truth. I have great authentic male role models around me.
My relationship with my family has never been better. I can see my father’s eyes sparkle when I decide to sail with him or when I share something vulnerable with him. I take crazy adventures, small and big. I have found my purpose and I am living it.
Ahh, I sometimes can’t believe how much I love myself and my life these days. I am so happy that I can finally connect and share laughs with the people who I surround myself with. I am able to do so by being myself 100% and by being vulnerable yet strong.
A lot of people discuss how good or bad something is. Putting a label on it, or discussing the variety of theories. Instead of withdrawing from the dark room, locking the door and putting a label and judgement upon it, why don’t we shine some light into that dark room and find out what is in it and why it is there? If we are able to grow aware of our lives and the way we are living it, we become able to change our entire lives forever.
You have the power to create your dream life and become the person who you want to be.
Why wouldn’t that be possible for you?
Ask yourself “Is porn adding value to my life or is it taking it away?”
Interested in more of me? www.awareness2porn.com
Any questions are welcome I will be answering all of them personally.
Speak you soon,
Vincent
LINK – HOW MY LIFE CHANGED DRASTICALLY FROM PORN ADDICT TO THE MAN I WANT TO BE IN THE COURSE OF 3 YEARS
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