I just got into writing this hoping that it will help at least one person. ITS GOT TRIGGERS. This post shows how fucked up I was and explaining a bad thing porn gives – HOCD. Don’t read if you think you will trigger a relapse or something.
It’s the same old story. Porn abuse, got PIED, started nofap (noporn lately, actually, bear with me) after being with 2 girls and not working. I had sex first time when I was 16 yo with my 2 years girlfriend (we were both virgins). We had 5 failed attempts because when I got the condom on my erection would dissapear. Eventually we agreed not to use a condom and it worked. My anxiety dissapeared after that and I fucked her for 2 years with no problems. Serioussly, no problems. I am gonna explain you why. I was into big cock porn, ripping small pussies and all that. I even got HOCD and every hot girl I would see I would think “damn, wouldn’t that girl look beautifull being fucked by a big black cock”. This shit destroys your mind as a person. Don’t see what I just wrote as a trigger. It’s fucking disguisting. Disgust is the only thing you should feel.
Thing is I have a above-average penis and she had a really small pussy. Considering the category of porn I was into, I was seeing in real life what I was seeing in porn. I was the guy with the big dick. I am not gonna say explicitly what was turning me on so I don’t trigger anything but you can imagine. So I was really turned on, which made my dick work. Long story short, we got separated eventually. After 2 weeks, I got with another girl. There was my astonishemed to realize that I cannot have sex with another girl because of her thinking my penis is small (which isn’t, it’s average. For all you reading this, porn penises are not the real penises. Your average is fucking good, it’s yours!) and not having that “it’s like I’m the pornstart in the big dick movie” rush. This made me fucking tremble. I made up an excuse and got out of there. I knew deep down porn was the issue, because there couldn’t be anything else for a 19 yo.
I searched the internet and found YBOP. I started nofap. It was august 2015. I said from that moment that I wouldnt watch and fap ever again. I lasted 1 month. Then started again, same promise. Lasted 2 weeks. And so on. In december 2015 I got with another girl, really hot. I was making out with her and my dick was dead. I was just wondering how the hell could this be. I mean she’s smoking hot and I don’t feel anything down there. This got me into anxiety and you can imagine what happened from there. I was just fighting this addiction but kept relapsing after 2-4 weeks max. I was fucking furious on myself. Although even with all these, I made huuge changed in my life. Got my life from a 4 to a fucking 9 at least. I STRONGLY BELIEVE that if you do not change your life in better (you need to get social, work on something, work out, eat better, go on adventure, do stupid things. I know it may sound all hippie and shit, but you really need to discover life again) then you will never get over porn. You will know you got out of porn the moment you will not try consciously to avoid it. You will do it as a basic instinct. When you will see porn, it will be like you see a car coming 100 mph toward you. You will fucking get out of it’s way without thinking.
Eventually, In march 2016 I said no more. And I knew something was different. Two weeks into nofap I met this girl. She was like the trophy girl in our college, and I got her. On 1 month mark we tried to have sex. I failed. I was devastated. Next day she talked to me and said it’s okay. I just couldn’t let my secret out and lied to her about it saying I had some hormonal problem that I am getting fixed. I knew that I was to be judged if it told the truth (and who’s to blame her, she knew me for one month).
But we said we would try again. And we did. And eventually it worked. It was bad quality sex. My erection would come and dissapear. It was primally because anxiety. As a famous doctor said, there can’t be anxiety and arousal. It’s either one or another so due to porn I couldn’t get so easily aroused and of course, anxiety would take over.
It got better and better and with time I started getting away from anxiety. I was 2 month and a half into nofap/noporn.
Bad news. GF has to go with work and travel in the USA for almost 4 months. She still is there. She’ll come back on 8 october. This could be seen as two different approaches. One, the bad one, is that I lost my rewiring partner. I really believe it helped rewiring, even if I felt I wasn’t completely rebooted. But here’s come the other approach. I had 4 months to reboot. I believe it helped. We shall see when I meet her.
I haven’t watched porn since march 2016. It’s September 2016. I also didn’t fap until August 2016. Here’s comes another bad part. Years on masturbation gave me prostatitis. Fortunately, it’s not non-bacterial and it will be cured eventually (or so I hope, prostatitis is a really,really nasty thing you can have). BIG EXCLAMATION. PROSTATITIS can make your sexual dysfunction worse. So please, please, please, get to an urologist and check for this.
In prostatitis you need to ejaculate pretty often, so I started lately masturbating to just sensation once every 8 days. It’s okay, although I would’ve wanted to abstain. When masturbating to sensation I sometimes have flashbacks of porn/start thing again about other fucking my girl but I keep my eyes opened and on my dick and really make a conscious effort to just feel the sensation. So please, don’t abstain from ejaculating unless you know for sure you don’t have prostatitis, otherwise you could worsen it. (BUT NO PORN)
Sensation is the fucking shit. Try concentrating on every little thing you can. Even when using your laptop keyboard. Feel it. The pressure. Everything. Feel and taste what you eat. Eat a lemon, let all that sensation go through you. Sensation is one of the things that will help you have sex again.
So, after one year into getting over this, at 6 month mark I fucking did it.
Some fetishes lessened(I was into sissyporn, slaveboy for big dicks, cuckolding, big black dick worship, big dick ripping small pussies, shemales, anything with a big dick dominating a woman. This got me thinking I would love to suck a big dick, or get arouse to a big dick fucking my girlfriend while I was watching. What the fuck, right? THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. I wrote all those categories so if anyone who was into that as well thinks he’s alone, well he isn’t. I did not wrote all those categories so I can trigger shit in you. I know it did trigger something, but FUCK IT MAN KEEP IT AT BAY. YOU ARE A FUCKING MAN!! YOU CAN’T DO ANY OF THAT SHIT. YOU CAN’T WATCH WHILE SOMEONE IS FUCKING YOUR GIRL. YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.
So some of the fetishes lessened, but they still didn’t dissapear. I still think about that shit but it definetily got weaker. They will eventually dissapear or weaken so much that they won’t be a problem anymore.
So now I am porn free and want to stay as this FOREVER. Those of you who got as fucked up as I am, please keep going!!!! You don’t have any other choice! You are a man and need to fucking man up! You will have a family, a kid! What kind of man do you want him to see? A sissy bitch or a real man who got a hold of his addiction and beat the shit out of it?
This will probably be the hardest thing you will do in your life. But. Fucking. Do. It!!!!!!!! You have that fire in your soul. Use it to change your life in good and quit porn forever. Try finding a girl, try having sex, try everything in life. Just do it. Just fucking do it. Get the fuck up from your chair and go out socializing, seeing things, go walk in the park, anything that gets this shit of your mind.
Be strong brothers. We can’t get over 10 years of hardcore porn in 6 months. It may take years for some of us who used this kind of fucked up and sick shit. BUT WE WILL SUCCED.
LINK – My story – 20, ten years of porn, HOCD, prostatitis, PIED
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