I remember thinking at one point in my life after numerous failed attempts to stop masturbating [to porn] that it was impossible. That this was something I was stuck with for the rest of my days. And there was comfort in the general consensus in society that jerking off and porn were “Normal” and even healthy.
But even though society was giving me the all clear, something inside of me was telling me otherwise and I guess the first lesson I learned from all of this was………
To trust yourself. Forget what the media says, forget even what your peers say. Forget everyone except that quiet gentle voice within you that never shouts but whispers softly when you take the time to be still and just listen. I promise you its not telling you to whack off and look at porn. It’s not telling you to look at what that girl sent you on snapchat. It’s not telling you to look at instagram in the hopes that you will “Accidentally” come across some P-subs. I don’t know what exactly your inner voice is whispering to you, but I can say for sure it’s not telling you to do any of that shit.
So I listened to myself and I knew that I needed to keep trying this until I made it. And so after failure after failure I did it. And you know what, it actually wasn’t that difficult in the end. The most difficult part was to listen to myself and ignore everything and everyone else. Do what I felt was right. But along the way I learned some good stuff about myself and about life. I learned that……
When you use porn, masturbation, call girls, whatever, it doesn’t block out the feelings that are behind the behaviour. It actually creates that feeling. And that feeling is usually loneliness. When you engage in PMO you actually create feelings of loneliness, isolation and disconnectedness. I know people think PMO alleviates the feelings but it doesn’t. It amplifies them times 1000. Its like cigarettes. When you smoke what you really are doing is alleviating the craving for a smoke. But the thing that’s creating that craving is a cigarette. It’s something that was created by the behaviour in the first place. The first time you watched porn it was like your brain was hi-jacked and that invader stayed well past its welcome. So every time you watch and whack off, you feed that beast and in the end you do it just to feed the beast. I used to engage in the behaviour even though I didn’t really want to, but I did it just to alleviate some itch I had. So when you break the cycle you realise that you had been hood winked all along. It was a con job. You never needed to do it in the first place and you are soooooooo much more happy without it. And that’s the truth. I feel so much more happy now. I think if anyone is reading this, if you get just one thing from what IM saying take this: PMO creates those feelings of isolation, loneliness and disconnection. And the more you do it the lonelier you will feel, the more cut off you will feel from life. And the more you do it the more the monster will control you.
I learned that there is a gift in facing uncomfortable feelings. That using distractions is counter productive. It keeps you from facing whats really behind the compulsion to PMO. And if you really want to be free, once and for all and stop running, you have to stop the distractions and sit with yourself. Go be alone and feel everything that comes up. I had an incredible experience with this. Theres this cliff walk near where I life. It connects one town to another and its kind of a famous trail. Its about 6km out and 6km back, so 12km all in all. The scenery is beautiful and the sound of the ocean waves lapping up against the rocks is very therapeutic. So during my recovery from PMO I did this walk by myself. I Didn’t invite anyone along because I felt it was the right thing to do. And it was. It was just me on that trail and so much stuff came up. I had not phone, no distractions and it all came out. It was painful and intense but it was a beautiful experience and when it was over, I felt that something inside of me had shifted for good. I went back and did this walk a few times and each time stuff would come up. AT the start it felt like a pure well of grief that would never ever end. It felt bottomless and it scared me because I worried that I would be stuck in this for the rest of my life. But eventually it started to subside and what replaced the grief was pure peace. It’s like a feeling of needing nothing. That there was no craving for anything, just balance and equilibrium. And I believe this is what made the 90 days for me kind of easy, because after that experience I was at peace and the craving was gone. So what I’m saying is this, face that which you are running from once and for all. Let it all in. Go be by yourself and embrace whatever comes to you. Embrace your grief and it will set you free.
I learned that The super powers are a real thing. Seriously it’s insane. It’s a paradox. When you are free and don’t crave all that shit anymore, women just come to you as if by magic. Its like they sense that here is a guy who doesn’t need anything from me, who’s happy in himself and they are just drawn to this. Plus the sexual energy. It’s like they feel your sexual energy and want it. But when you have sex with a real woman the sexual energy is still there. You don’t lose it, you share it. But if you just whack off to porn you lose it all. What a waste. Do yourself the biggest mother fucking favour in the world: Ditch the PMO and come back to life as it was always meant to be.
I learned that your energy levels go right up. You just have a lot more juice in the tank.
I learned that Talking about PMO is a taboo. It’s not here, but here is unique. Out in the so called real world, people are very very touchy and defensive about their porn use. Like it cannot even be mentioned unless you’re making a joke about it. If you try to have rational conversation about it people get angry. And I think I know why. I think it’s because deep down people know they use it as a crutch and it protects them from facing those feelings I talked about above. And when that’s the case they do not want to even think about surrendering the thing that protects them from feeling.
So talk about it and own up. Because another thing I learned from the people who were brave enough to talk about this was: It’s rampant. Like its fucking so widespread it’s shocking. So many people are addicted to PMO its unreal. It’s an epidemic and the fact that every kid has a smart phone now is a serious worry.
And that’s it I guess. I hope that’s of some help to someone. I wish you the best of……..I was gonna say luck, but luck has nothing to do with it. I wish you the best in life. Listen to your intuition and keep trying. It doesn’t matter how many times you fail, just keep getting back up and dusting yourself off. Don’t give up, you’ll get there.
LINK – 90 days and what I learned
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