First of all, I am by no means cured. I think my erections could be stronger and easier to obtain and I still have issues with lowered sensitivity and can orgasm only 25-50% of the time. And when I do orgasm, it’s not very intense. But I consider my progress so far to be worthy of a success post, and I am totally confident that continuing on this path will improve my sex life even more.
I am 31 years old and was a virgin until two weeks ago. I PMO’ed since early adolescence (13-14 or so) and rarely ever masturbated without using porn. I typically PMO’ed about 2-5 times per week and never progressed beyond vanilla stuff. Porn obviously affected my ability to have sex, but it was not a typical addiction in that it did not affect my social or work life. I had PIED as young as 20, when my first girlfriend in college wanted to have sex and I was unable to get hard. The memories of my failures with her would periodically haunt me even years later. Since then I mostly avoided dating due to a variety of factors, of which PIED was one.
About two years ago I discovered the nofap/pornfree community and decided I would undertake this journey to see if it could cure my erection issues. I tried 90 days and when that was unsuccessful I decided the whole thing was bullshit and went back to PMO. I kept coming back though, researching and looking for answers. Finally, I concluded that 90 days was probably not enough and committed to giving up porn starting Jan 1, 2016. I still kept my porn stash though (just in case!) and while I avoided porn for six months, I still fantasized and I still masturbated periodically. Eventually, my will broke and I PMO’ed maybe 8-10 times over the three months of summer.
During this time, I decided to get out into the dating world and actually look for someone I could spend my life with. I met my current girlfriend in late summer and it was on our fourth date that she stayed over and we attempted to have sex. I failed. My dick was lifeless, unable to even manage a half-chub. I was so nervous and so upset that I barely slept that night. It was devastating, but in reality this was exactly the kick in the ass I needed. I resolved to give up not only porn, but also masturbation and even any type of fantasy. I also finally deleted my porn stash. Our following date, I still couldn’t get hard and so I told her everything. I told her about my virginity and about my problems with porn and how it affected me and how I was fighting to change it. She was very understanding and complimented me for being brave and mature, but said that sex was too important for her and wanted to break things off. It was amicable.
Fortunately, she changed her mind about a week later and wanted to see what could happen between us. I had to travel for work and so it ended up being 40 days since my commitment to hard-mode and about 30 days since our last date before we met up again. She stayed over that weekend and on our first night together I still could not get hard, even though I had been getting night erections and morning wood since starting hard-mode. But it was okay, because she already knew about my past and accepted it. The next day, we were getting ready to go out and while still getting dressed we started fooling around. I got hard and we had sex. Since then, we’ve had sex several times including once when I was able to cum even with a condom on. She is very happy and so am I.
Here’s my advice:
- Fully commit – Give up porn, give up masturbation, give up sexual fantasy (even if you think it is not porn-like), delete all stored porn, remove all temptations, etc. Do what you have to.
- Stay the course – 90 days may not be enough, and it almost certainly is not enough for a total cure. However, the more committed you are (see #1) the less time it should take.
- Rewire – Yes, rebooting is a personal journey and the primary motivation should be self-improvement, but I firmly believe having an understanding partner is a huge help. If you already have a partner, open up to them. If you don’t, go out and find someone you connect with and allow yourself to be vulnerable by sharing your story. #1 and #2 will destroy the porn pathways, but it’s #3 that will (re)grow the normal, healthy pathways.
Best of luck out there, and know that you can heal if you put in the time and effort.
LINK – From total PIED to orgasm with a condom
BY – CVMD
Hey man, just wanted to say thanks for writing this stuff down. I’m in a somewhat similar boat. 31 years old, virgin but not ashamed of it, PMO’ed for 15+ years. I decided I would give up porn on January 1, 2016 but I’ve PMO’ed maybe 8-10 times since then and masturbated to erotic stories and pictures on dating apps much more often. Now I started seeing a girl that I really like. She stayed over on our fourth date and we fooled around, but I could only occasionally get hard and even then only 50-60%. She was disappointed and I told her I was just nervous (which was true, but not the whole truth). It finally gave me the motivation to delete my porn stash.
I plan to tell her about my inexperience and my history of porn use when we meet this weekend. I hope she is willing to stick around and be patient with me, and I want to please her sexually even if I can’t use my penis to do so. It’s good to know what I might experience, and that while things won’t be smooth they should slowly improve over time. So thanks for sharing.
You said you tried Viagra and Cialis and weren’t happy with the effects. Have you tried anything for nervousness like meditation, therapy, or drugs? It seems like things are improving for you anyway, so maybe it’s good to keep going as you are. I’ve thought about trying any or all of these things since I want to be able to have sex sooner than later, but I’m not sure I’ll actually do it.
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