I am in my mid twenties and grew up watching porn and masturbating since I was maybe 12. I would do it whenever i felt like it even if I didn’t have the urge, just because it was something to do and relieved stress. Every single day, multiple times a day until my mid twenties. Looking back now I did not realize the damage it was causing.
I had no confidence and because of this I did not get out of my comfort zone and talking to girls until my 20s. Anytime things were going well I couldn’t get up. I denied there was ever a problem despite not getting morning wood since my early HS years. Anytime things were going well with a girl and things would progress I would blame it on some other factor. Anxiety, attractiveness, being too drunk, etc.
It wasn’t until I recently got in my first real relationship that I knew something was seriously wrong. This girl could not mean more to me and is drop dead gorgeous but I couldn’t get it up being completely sober. It felt like my world was crumbling around me. I did not even feel like a man. I was kind of worried this would happen as soon as I met her and started nofap about a month before anything occurred but this was not enough time to heal all the damage I’ve done.
I have seen a doctor and got a hormone panel and all came back ok aside from slightly elevated prolactin levels, and they believed it all to be in my head or possible scar tissue. I questioned if this could have been, as Porn usually, but not all the time did the trick. They prescribed me daily Cialis to see if this would help and while it did help I still was never rock hard.
I have relapsed once in about the past 4 months and this was because the flatline got to me. I felt lifeless and needed to see if i was beyond repair only 3 weeks ago. Since then I felt terrible and stopped masturbation and porn. Some things happened and I haven’t really been intimate with my girlfriend in a few weeks as well and then last night I seen a brief light at the end of a tunnel.
Last night:
My girl spent the night and while my dick has felt lifeless for the last several weeks, it was rearing to go for the most part of last night without any pills. I stopped taking the daily cialis about a week and 1/2 ago to see if I could have sex without them. Just kissing and I was getting hard and staying hard. I still wasn’t 100% but it was hard enough for sex and I could not stop smiling. Afterwards, the recovery time was extremely quick for 2nd go. Due to me not busting at all in the recent weeks I have been extremely sensitive and did not last very long. The second time I saw no issues again and got her off this time around. I could not be happier in this moment.
Fast forward a bit into the night, she initiates to go again but it just would not cooperate. Completely lifeless again no matter how much she tried. I believe I should have just called it quits after the first two times but felt like a few hours should be good enough for recovery. I was finally able to get it up but it was barely hard enough for penetration and from all the buildup of trying to get hard it was over even quicker than the first time. Full blown panic and anxiety rushed over me thinking how ridiculous this was. I have never felt that rush of emotions of complete highs and lows in such a short amount of time.
Despite how terrible I felt last night after not being able to perform I can see that I may have just overdid it and still need further time to heal and can’t expect it to work all night. If my worry is not getting hard, it’s I’m going to be extremely quick. I know it will get better in time but I wanted to share my experience and while it can be hard to bear at times, I feel like I am on the right path.
LINK – Small Success – Highest of highs followed by lowest of lows
BY – brokemydingdong
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