My supportive friends in the over 40’s section of the forum suggested I share my last reboot post on the success story page. It is with their support and care that I found the courage and determination to turn my life around from being a depressed, impotent, porn wraith to being a human being with lust for life…
This is in your honour guys Thank You [omitted] & all the other men that inspired me with their sharing and support.
Deep gratitude to All the men on here sharing, struggling, supporting. May you find peace…
Day 161. And interesting times. The changes are profound. And life reflects it.
Thank you for the feedback @40New30 and @Saville . I agree the effects are massive! And @Saville I had the same thoughts around the possible corraling nature of mission statements. And it is a good I process for me as I have avoided making choices for myself for a long time. The numbing effect of 10 solid years of PMO mean that I have not chosen any direction. The process of mission vision and values challenges me in a positive way to start directing my life again.
My attitude about the business has changed after the talks of the last weeks. I have done a lot of thinking. And at the moment the business is a good framework for me to finalise the professional goals I set myself some 18 years ago. I set myself the goal in 1999 of restoring a 120 ha Rainforest Nature Reserve that was riddled with exotic plants and on the edge of irreparable decline. I somehow became the manager of that place and was able to help attract a lot of funds to clean up “Broken Head” as it is called and the place is thriving now, the plant communities and wild life are back with a vengeance and the place is saved for ever. Another couple of years are required to finalise the job.
I have a lot to learn about cooperation and leadership, I can do that within the business framework. Ultimately it is a supportive environment with good people where I can learn.
The business also provides me with a financial cushion and space (3 months of holidays owed) to explore and redirect my life.
One of the ways my addictive process worked was that I obsessed over women that looked like my ultimate porn fantasies. They lived in my head as enigma’s, ultimate sexual fantasies. There were 3 women that lived in my head like that, __, _____, and ______. I don’t know how it works but I got to date or spend time with them during my reboot. I got to know these fantasy women as real people. Getting to know them I am not sure if I like them as people however attractive they are…
_____ has arrived a week ago. It feels good to spend time with her, we laugh a lot reminiscing about our teenage years, belly laughs, tears in our eyes. We both turn 50 over the next month. We are both in a similar place, taking stock and preparing the next chapters of our lives.
As I have mentioned before she is the first woman I had sex with back when we were 17. And here she is again now that I am a virgin of sorts since my reboot. And she has deflowered me again. So I am happy to report that the gear works fine despite having hardly any ‘wood’ over the last 160 days. Yep even 3 times a day, no problem, not as hard as a 17 year old, but it works fine. It all feels very different now, it is touch that gets me hard, hugs and kisses get me hard, and the urge to take her as a man looking her straight in the eye.
Some money is coming my way a bit unexpectedly over the next couple of months and some very likely windfalls on the stock market over the next year. Possibly enough to set me up for the rest of my life.
Earlier this week I experienced sheer bliss, overwhelming happiness, ecstacy no pill could ever give me. Just driving home from work, listening to music and taking in my surroundings and appreciating life, nothing special, no reason but totally connected.
I am shedding a couple of tears now writing this. Tears of relief. Tears of finding trust within myself, trust in the process of rebooting and trust in the process that life is.
This is a 180 degree turn in a mere 161 days. And life will go on with its ups and downs and I now know that I can stand up for myself and be there for me and more and more for others too.
This is my last post, my reboot is complete, rebooting is the best thing I ever did for myself.
And I will be rebooting for the rest of my life too as rebooting is the process of getting closer to my true self, finding trust and taking action to become the best version of me. It is taking charge of my destiny…
And that will never stop…
LINK – 161 days The ups and downs of the Bob reboot (Found my Mojo lost my Libido)
BY – bobjes
Hi Guys,
This is my first post on here. I am a 49 year old man living in Australia. I have been addicted to porn ever since I found porn mags in my early teens. A real escalation of my porn use started about 12 years ago with the advent of continual internet access. Pictures first then moving up to becoming a member of popular porn sites and chatrooms.
It was my outlet for stress, grief, anger or any other emotion that i found too difficult to deal with (conscious and unconscious). Hours of edging on a pretty much daily basis to ease the pain, amazing orgasms with the inevitable disgust and depression afterwards.
The onset of Erectile Disfunction some 8 years ago did not help. The fear of not being able to have a hard on got me hooked even more “testing” if it still works. I started using Viagra for sex with my lovers and partners ever since that time. And edging before sex with women “to make sure it works”.
I have been very isolated and lonely during this time despite having several good women in my life the last 12 years. One of the reasons I never fully committed to these relationship possibilities was the fact that I could not imagine living without my porn addiction. My way of dealing with the world since a very young age.
I have known for quite some time that the consequences of my “management regime” stopped me from living life to the fullest.
My interest in Porn started waning when my previous relationship (unhealthy relationship we met on a porn site) a couple of months ago. My nofap started 36 days ago almost accidently. I was away for work on a remote island sharing a room with one of my colleagues and limited internet access. I met a very attractive woman pretty much the same time and fell in love for the first time in you guessed it 12 years (since the escalation of my porn addiction).
During the second week of my stopping internet porn I started feeling again, joy, grief, experiencing beauty in little things, connecting with people, dancing, listening to music etc. Incredible really how free I feel, like a new lease on life.
I shared my story with the new woman in my life without feeling shame. Kinda had no choice as I could not get a hard on being with her and finding her very attractive. Anxiety and what I experience as severe flatlining. She is happy to go with the flow yet I am having a hard time here. Feeling emasculated when it counts most… I could hark back to edging and using viagra to feel like a Man, yet I have a strong resolve to sit out my “reboot” and do the favour to myself and those around me.
At this point I am shit scared of having permanent loss of libido (some ED in my family history) and feel sad not being able to enjoy connecting with a magical woman…
Thanks for listening/reading and I am very interested on hearing other peoples experience with flatlining and recovery.
Cheers,
Bob
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