Unlike most, I began indulging in masturbation when I was 22 (I’m almost 25 now), I tried at much earlier ages (~14) but could never seem to reach orgasm (it usually hurt and didn’t feel pleasurable).
I would also watch pornography infrequently during my adolescence but surprisingly wouldn’t gratify myself physically. I should also mention that I was exposed to pornography when I was 8 by a classmate.
I remember lying in bed when I was 22 late at night thinking to myself if I was normal. I hadn’t had any intimate relationships with the opposite sex, I’m relatively decent looking but had put on a lot of weight after I graduated from high school (75kg at the start of Year 12 to 120kg in my 5th year at uni). The fact that I was unable to find someone and hadn’t found anyone for the first 22 years of my life really bothered me and began to make me question my adequacy as a person.
I was actually terrified at the thought of intimacy because pornography destroyed my own self worth (in short, I didn’t think I was well endowed at all). With this being said, I was not necessarily looking for a platonic relationship but I thought the chances of finding someone in this day and age who would love me regardless of whether I was sexually adequate, seemed slim to none.
I digress, back on that night in bed when I was 22 I told myself I was going to attempt to reach orgasm just to see what it felt like (I used softcore pornography as a stimulus). At first it didn’t feel all that it was hyped up to be and I couldn’t see the appeal which drives people to gratify themselves multiple times a day.
I however, indulged in it again a few days later, the time after that it was a couple of days later and eventually the gaps between self sexual gratification became smaller and smaller, to the point where I was indulging in masturbation multiple times a day. At the time, I couldn’t see or begin to comprehend the damage I was doing to myself. It was rather conservative relative to other indulgences (pornography is free after all and you need no, for lack of a better term, equipment really). I found it as a great means of relaxing myself, getting myself to sleep and to… pass the time (yes, to pass the time). I began to indulge in it not only when I was down, but when I was feeling fine too.
Pornography really began to change my perception of how other people viewed intimacy, I began to believe that women wanted to be dominated and sexually gratified, I began to look at my female friends in a way that demeans them and strips them of their humanity. A film had been laid over my eyes and all I could see and think about was them bent over on all fours, or kneeling down on two knees or splayed out, legs apart on a bed.
It’s funny really, we are warned of the consequences of drug use when we are young but the effects of pornography are never really known until you’re dealing with them. It saddens me because I cannot remember what my mindset was like before I began to consume pornography, I feel too many youth are stuck in this toxic mindset which values sexual gratification over intimacy.
Although I had been at the mercy of pornography, I managed to fall in love with my best friend and now partner. She adores me and I still feel to this day, so undeserving of her. We met when we were 18, became good friends and began our relationship when we were 22.
At the outset, I did not realise what stranglehold pornography had over me, but the effects of such became manifest when we were intimate. I was not enjoying intimacy for the right reasons, it was killing her and many a times I had pushed her to the edge. My perception of intimacy was so incredibly tainted that sex had been reduced to a series of motions, with the goal of gratification.
It is at its core a selfish pursuit and as hard as it is to say, manipulative of your partner. I would try to recreate what I had consumed through a screen in a bedroom, it was effectively masturbation with a partner, the act is devoid of affection.
I was so close to losing her and after many instances of breaking her down and making her whole again I accepted that I had a problem. I told her I would not consume pornography again (this was almost 8 months ago now to which I have not broken my word).
[That is, I’ve been porn-free] Around 8 months give or take but I’ve used sexually explicit content as a stimulus in that time. If you exclude all forms of sexual stimulus then about a month.
In doing so I was able to rectify so many problems with my partner but it wasn’t the total solution. Even though I had managed to abstain from pornography, I was still consuming sexually explicit material as a stimulus for masturbation. This didn’t leave me feeling whole and gave me the feeling that I was still damaging her, just in a different way.
I spoke to her about it and after having heard how it made her feel it really destroyed me knowing what I (yes me, not anyone else) was doing. The effects of pornography are not skin deep but they’re not permanent. As hard as it is to admit, I probably would have never stumbled upon this subreddit, let alone want to exclude pornography from my life had I not seen what it was doing to my partner.
It’s truly a shame that the information of pornography addiction isn’t as widespread as the information is of that of drugs and alcohol. I wish I could save you the motivational spiel but I feel it really needs to be said.
It is your choice whether you want to change. If you’re here purely of your own accord, you’re already better than me. If I could do it, then you can too.
LINK – My experience
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