Feeling anxious, troubled relationships, procrastination, inability to plan for my future & meet the challenges of life: I had porn to thank for all of that.

It hasn’t been an exceedingly tough year, but, I suppose it’s been sort of tough. Just normal life stuff, added to the fact I’m at the point in my life where I have to start making big decisions for my future, and that can be really scary and hard. Oh, not to mention nearly a whole year without porn, and a constant undercurrent of emotional growth and change. So yeah, I guess it has been sort of tough, lol.

Step 1 of Alcoholics Anonymous reads: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.” I believe it can very much be applied to porn: “We admitted we were powerless over porn – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Powerless is something I talk about a lot on here… this idea that, no matter how many blocks I put on my phone/computer… no matter how much I was fed up with porn and swore never to look again… it seemed like I was right back at it before I had gotten together any time at all. Sometimes the same night. Sometimes even within minutes, because, “fuck it”. That, for me, is powerlessness.

But today as I was going about my day calmly a word came into my mind – “manageable. My life is manageable now.” Which is of course goes back to the second half of step 1.

I’m on semi-vacation now. The school year is over, which means more free time, but I’m right back into the swing of things with my tutoring gig. In fact last week was more difficult than a normal school week, because I had to get all this new summer stuff organized. Today, however, I just had a few hours of lessons and I finally felt like I had some breathing room. And that whole year behind me wasn’t actually that bad.

I made it through, and I made it through well. I did well at my job, I took care of myself, I pursued my hobbies, I did everything I must do for my short-term future, and even got some ducks in a row for the long term. And all that while not looking at porn. And like I said, it wasn’t horrible. And now I get to a rest a bit. Manageable. That’s how I’d describe my life right now.

When I was in the midst of addiction (which included other substances for me), there was no way I could have had a year like this one. I bombed tests, procrastinated, became dependent on substances to pass my courses, ruined relationships, got into legal trouble, broke bones… you name it. That is most definitely what I would call “unmanageable”.

Porn didn’t totally fuck me up like substances did. But not so fast! It certainly didn’t help. Feeling anxious in social situations, troubled relationships, procrastination, and a general inability to plan for my future and meet the challenges of life… I had porn to thank for all of that. Because instead of facing my problems, I used porn to run from them and dug myself into a deeper and deeper rut.

Without porn I’ve got more time, and a clearer head to deal with my problems and face the trials of life. And I’ve also had to develop new coping mechanisms and strategies that make me better at these things. Things like self-care, patience, taking things one day at a time, asking for help, acceptance, gratitude, and taking time off. As well as concrete actions like exercise, healthy diet and a good sleep schedule. These are all things I’ve been able to figure out without porn in my life.

The end result? A life that’s manageable. And thus a life that is enjoyable, and not some sort of a mess that I constantly have to get myself out of. Not everything always goes my way, that’s not life. But there’s no challenge that can completely bring me under. I’m confident of that now.

Feeling good. Thanks folks for letting me share.

LINK – My life has become manageable.

by shortyafter

Day 365

According to my calculations, today is now day 365 without porn for me. I’m posting this on on Sunday at 2 am, so I guess “tomorrow” will really be my full anniversary day. But technically we’ve passed midnight so I’m going to say I’ve reached it already. It’s been a good night so I’m going to post this now, while I am inspired to write.

This journey has been going on for me for, I’d say nearly about 5 years now, when I got sober from drugs and alcohol. I know that’s not everyone’s story, but, it’s mine, and it has given me perspective into what it means to quit something, and some of the best ways to go about it. As for trying to quit porn, that’s been going on for about 4 years now. I had something like a 9 month streak in there, a 6 month streak, and other than that it was off and on relapsing for about 3 years. Day 365, today, is the longest I’ve ever made it without looking at porn, since starting at about age 13.

In these 4-5 years I do imagine that I’ve learned a lot, and my life has really come full circle. So as I approached day 365, I’ve been thinking about what sort of advice I could give to those struggling with this, what things have been key in my journey, what I want to express to you all. I had a lot of ideas, but I must say, the idea that has presented itself to me this evening has been a really special one. One that really summarizes the journey for me.

And that idea is: patience. The thing about porn is that, porn is instant. You load up your browser, hop to your favorite site, and within seconds you’ve got access to millions of videos and hours upon hours of content. Instant chemical feel-good at a click. That’s what porn is. But, that’s exactly what life is not… Life is not instant. And life is not about feeling good all the time.

For me the key hasn’t just been cutting out the porn… it’s been a change in attitude, a change in perspective. My porn use was just a symptom of a bigger issue. Because even without porn, my mind can still seek that instant fix that will make everything perfect, right here, right now.

The problem is, when I demand perfection out of life, I am bound to be discontent. Life is bound to disappoint me. It will never match up to my standards of what I feel it should be. So you could say the problem is life. But, then you’d just be a victim. I guess I learned to say that, the problem isn’t life, the problem is my attitude towards life. The problem is me.

For me, patience sums it up very well. We all have goals, we all have things we strive for, and we all want to improve our station. These are all good things. But they become bad when we demand the results NOW, or we have a set idea of what the results must look like. That is why I ask of myself patience. Patience – growth will come. Patience – answers will come. Patience – everything will work itself out in time. Just be patient, deeply patient.

And the other thing is – being patient with others. My girlfriend isn’t always going to make me happy, or act the way I wish she would. Be patient with her. Being patient with myself. As much as I’d like to think that if I just got my act together I could be permanently happy, I ask myself to admit that maybe I’m just a flawed being, and it’s unreasonable to ask myself to do things perfectly all the time. And finally being patient with life. Life, like myself, or like a girlfriend, or a parent, is not perfect. If there is a God, maybe he too is doing his best to lend me a hand. And maybe he’s not always the best at giving me what I need exactly when I need it. Be patient with Him, with life. What I mean is, be gentle. With others, with myself, and with life itself.

When I demand perfection, when I demand that life be the way I want, it is bound to disappoint me. But when I change my standards, when I accept with gratitude whatever it is that life offers to me, that is when I start to see the gifts. That’s when I don’t need to run away with porn, or self-destruct.

When I look at things this way, I’m content with where I am. And the rest? With patience, I know that they will come in time. But the important things, well, I’ve already got all of them… I always did, and I always will.

Thank you guys for supporting me these last 365 days. Staying connected to this sub was undeniably a big part of my success this time around. There are a few of you who have been a big support, you know who you are. My sincerest thank you to you. And to all of the rest of you, whether we shared comments, read each other’s posts, or simply shared space on this sub reddit… my deepest thank you to all of you as well.

Thank you guys. Have an amazing weekend.

Hi friend, congratulations on your sobriety! I can relate with what you’re saying. Once I truly made the commitment to get sober, and picked up that white chip – I haven’t had a drink or used since. But I made a lot of commitments about quitting porn, and as I said, these last 4 years have included many a relapse. So I totally feel you.

I think the difference this time around was that I truly came to feel in my heart that porn is damaging to me. As long as there was lingering doubt, I was more likely to let myself relapse. Once I became truly committed, I felt sort of protected in a way… porn just kind of lost it’s appeal for me.

The damage drinking and drugging did in my life was obvious. That’s why I think I came to believe in my need to get sober sooner. With porn, I wasn’t so convinced. I used to say that porn wasn’t my main issue, and it wasn’t, but I would use that as an excuse to relapse. Plus, you will find a lot of convincing arguments out there that porn is totally healthy and normal. But finally there came a point, like with drinking and drugging, that it didn’t matter what anyone said – I understood on a deep level that porn was bad for me.

Porn has lots of surface negatives, like brain fog, distorted ideas about sex, increased anxiety, etc. But the kicker for me was that I realized that, just like with drugs and alcohol, I used porn to run away from life. And it could never be a “just one time” thing. When I use, I use daily, or more. It becomes my crutch.

I prefer now to live life on life’s terms. That’s the only way I can grow, and learn to be patient and to accept life’s gifts with gratitude. Porn has no part in that for me. Once I accepted that truth, quitting became easier. A bit of a battle, sure, but much more downhill than uphill. It has been quite manageable, and one day at a time, I plan on keeping this going.

I hope you can relate to my experience. Thank you for sharing with me.

LINK

Thoughts on Incels:

People in our society are afraid of intimacy, coupled with the fact that men are taught via porn and via the culture that superficial beauty is the only thing to be valued. Things like low self-confidence, poor social skills  and poor looks can all be changed. And by no means exclude the possibility of having a relationship in the first place. The problem is you have average looking, frustrated men going after porn star hot women who  naturally get rejected every single time by said women.

These men, instead of taking an honest look at their behavior, choose rather to blame society or choose to claim that they have some sort of quality that makes them undateable. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy that  serves to strengthen the ego and protect the man from something that can shake his core and destroy his idea of himself. The fear is not that these men CAN’T relate to women/human beings, it’s that they can. Love and intimacy hurt deeply.

I know because I was one of these guys. There came a time where I started to realize that the only one I was fooling was myself, and I choose to put those ideas about myself down. It was somewhat understandable  to think this way as a teenager, but not as a 20-something year old man/adult. The journey was arduous but absolutely worth it, and now I’ve been in a loving relationship for 2+ years and my relationships with  women and people in general are amazing and a fundamental part of my life.

[Reply to] Research on Reddit “incels”

UPDATE

Something saved me, and I can trust.

[Note: posted this originally on another sub. Have made some minor edits here to make it more related to my journey with porn free.]