I am a 20something year old man who’s wasted close to 10 years on dirty movies and PMO. I never had formal knowledge as to what sex was and why PMO is so detrimental to your life in almost every way and I basically had to fight the fight on my own.
I used to frequent this subreddit for inspiration and tips. I wanted to share my insight for those interested in hearing it and some tips.
- First and foremost, you need to recognize that it’s an issue. Before you make it clear to yourself that this is a problem and it is having negative impacts on your life and psyche, you cannot move on. Stand in the mirror and tell yourself “I have an addiction and it is harming me in ‘xyz’ ways.” Really sit with that feeling of pain and remember how awful it feels to chained to a monster that you can’t seem to break free from. This feeling is useful later on, albeit as a lower form of inspiration to quit, but still quite useful when you find yourself feeling uninspired and you remember how awful it feels to be stuck. Ultimately you would want to quit for more altruistic reasons but not wanting the pain is definitely a good start and helpful inspiration.
- Recognize that you are a human being with intelligence and character. You are not an animal who will devour others or just start humping whatever moves without being able to resist. You have choices. You can be a being with the ability to choose when I want to do a certain thing or not.
- Recognize that if you have been constantly involved in PMO on a regular basis for as little as a few weeks/months, you probably have wired your brain to need that release. There is no shortage of research out there to prove this and the same would apply to impulsive shoppers, gaming addicts, social media addicts and drug addicts. You rewire your neural pathways like those train tracks that switch points at an intersection whenever you repeat and reinforce bad habits. If each time you feel down you have a piece of cake or sweets to make yourself feel less miserable you will start reaching for the snack drawer without even being conscious of it within a few weeks. Recognize that porn is not a realistic portrayal of sex and intimacy. The more you feed into the lie, even if you know consciously that it’s entertainment, it will have a tremendous effect on you. “Addiction” is not such a pretty word these days but the harsh reality is that if you can’t say no to it, you’re addicted. Of course, the level of addiction varies based on intensity but the basic idea is that you are a slave if you can’t say no because you have a master- be it a video or gaming or a piece of cake or seeking honor or recognition. A free man is one who does not have a master and does not need to submit to every pop-up desire.
- Recognize that although we live in a heavily sexualized society, you can stay away from it. There’s no shortage of data out there that proves this is unhealthy for us in every single area of life. Everyone knows it deep down as well, but few are big enough to admit that it’s probably ruining our lives and is not helpful in the slightest. Everywhere you look you are being sexually targeted either overtly or indirectly. The more you look out for it you will see how crazy is it and that it is present in every single area of your life. Stay away from locations, devices or people that would cause you to fail. Do not take your phone/laptop/tablet to bed and NEVER into the bathroom. Some don’t even bring it into their room. Don’t be afraid to be strict on yourself, especially in the beginning. I am a grown man but I have a child browser on my phone to protect myself. I have zero shame in this and neither should you. It’s my understanding based on personal research and reading app reviews that tens of thousands of people have these content blocker apps on their phones and they couldn’t be happier. Restricting yourself is not a bad thing- it will set you free. Stay away from friends that make you feel like you are a ‘prude wimp’ and should just get with the program. Societal influence is very strong and it is definitely considered childish and prude to want to refrain from the hyper-sexualized culture we now live in. The people who tell you to stop being such a baby most likely have PMO issues of their own that they are not willing to admit to you, and more importantly, themselves. If you DO find someone who will admit to this and you/they feel comfortable talking about it then you are truly lucky. Use this relationship to talk it out with your new partner and encourage each other.
- Figure out a game plan. You will not succeed if you do not. Sit down with a pen and paper, be brutally honest with yourself and write out the situations in life that cause you to be more susceptible to falling. Contemplate your triggers and protect yourself from them. DO NOT BE ASHAMED within the four walls of your own mind to write out this stuff. It will seem babyish at first and you will start thinking how stupid your friends probably think you are but remember that YOU’RE the smart one and they are the fools. YOU are the strong one and they are the weak ones, submitting to every command that comes their way. However, if you have someone to confide in and feel comfortable doing so, it will be all the more helpful for you. The shame you think you’ll feel is only social conditioning that looks at anyone NOT heavily steeped in sexual desires as a prude and a loser.
- Quit for the right reasons. Do not quit for the wrong reasons. If you are ‘quitting for girls’ or because you want to get a date then you’re doing it wrong. You should want to quit because it will make MY life better and even if I lived on an island alone I would not want to be a slave to PMO. Quit because you want to be in charge of your own life and your own happiness. If I am a slave to have to turn my head at every ad or every woman walking down the street I will never be happy. Not only that, but don’t think that refraining from looking will restrict you- it will only empower you and make your relationships better. If you are already in a relationship, you will find your wife/girlfriend more attractive. The more you ogle other women the less you will care for her because there are 1,000,001 other pretty girls in the street and you will never be happy with who you are with. The mind can play dirty tricks on you so watch out. Yes it might seem harmless but every time you ogle someone and mentally-drool over them (whether consciously or not) you will be killing your relationship. If I cannot be happy with what I have and am always looking at what everyone else has I will never be happy because even when I finally get that car or girl or house I will still be looking outside and everything I have will be worthless in comparison to the one-week old car my neighbor has in his driveway.
- DO NOT be discouraged by failures. Your brain will tell you that you’ve failed and you may as well not try so why not open up that website again. DO NOT LISTEN. This is the oldest trick in the book and unfortunately works all too often. Awareness is power. Remind yourself of this every day and if you fail. I personally never really connected to the counter. I had one set up on my phone and it would definitely feel good to see big numbers on there but then when I fell it would feel worse than the pleasure of seeing big numbers. Big numbers are good for the future when you look back and say ‘I’ve been free from PMO for x time.” Live each day for itself. Your goal should be having a PMO-free day each morning when you wake up. Setting big goals and failing as many do can be discouraging and will make it harder on you mentally.
Once you’ve followed the above plan I will personally GUARANTEE you will succeed. It might take months, it might take years. Much of it will depend on how much work you put in. The more you invest, the more you will get and the quicker you will be cured. You will have a healthy outlook on sex and will not be looking to constantly feed those hungers and just attain nerve-end pleasure whenever your body tells you you need it. You will not objectify women and try to get nerve-end pleasure out of them either mentally or personally. You will see that a relationship with someone you love and care about can exist even if there is not intimacy all the time and that when there IS it can be a beautiful, connecting experience, not just a means to fulfill base-desires.
Do not make the mistake of thinking that once you kick the habit you will no longer have this problem. The neural pathways of PMO will still be in your brain even though there are orange cones and caution tape blocking it. Do not trust yourself too much because when the down days hit hard you can easily just walk up to that road and move away the cones. Do not trust yourself until the day you die.
That being said, it DOES get substantially easier as time goes along. You will need constant maintenance and have your guard up all the time. Do not be intimidated by this- it will get easier with time.
I am happy to say that I am happily married with the love of my life and we have a cute 1 year old boy. Being with my wife is beautiful and loving and not anything like I’ve ever seen on screen.
Feel free to contact me if you want to talk more or have any advice you’d like to share with me.
LINK – Clean of porn for almost 2 years. Tips and advice from a former slave.
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