The first part of my journey has been completed. I wanted to reach 90 days first before posting. So here goes.
It all began in 2009 if I remember correctly I was in 10th grade. My first experience with porn was soft core porn which the local channel used to run late night so out of mischief I’d stay up late to watch those. I remember one night I stroked myself to near climax, man the bloodrush was amazing, as I didn’t understand what was going on (being a virgin then) I thought man this feels great.
Then fast forward a few months down the line a friend lent me a hard core porn disc, it was then I started masturbating. It would be once a week, then once a month I could control it then (or so I thought). Next thing I knew I was running to masturbation just for comfort, I’d come back home lock myself in my room and start masturbating.
The once a week/month then escalated to everyday, my grades flunked, I started snapping at every single person who’d want to get close to me. I pushed friends away (thank God some remained), then in 2012 while in college I noticed that I was different not like other kids, something wasn’t right with me. I decided to get to the bottom of it but it wasn’t masturbation, it was my friend it had comforted me throughout high school. I overlooked it and it was in 2013 where I decided to Google search “Porn addiction”, I found the site Your Brain On Porn, I decided to take up the 90 day challenge.
I was in control until the withdrawal symptoms set in and I caved in within 17 days my longest streak then. But still with what I had found out I was in denial that my “good friend masturbation” was the problem. I continued with my ways until 2015, where I saw the need to further look up what could come with quitting PMO. I made a list of things that I would go through in the process of quitting, I didn’t quit with all that knowledge I had found I continued to 2016.
Now in 2016 a chain of events happened, I found myself my first girlfriend who was willing to go all the way with me, I think by the time we hooked up I was a week in to masturbation and the flat line had already hit me. We went to the bedroom and started kissing, I had a boner. When the time for penetration arrived it all went south my first experience with PIED. She went down on me nothing tried everything from bj to hj and still nothing.
We then decided to sleep, during the night I woke up and got mad me that I could have a girl in front of me and still not get an erection. We decided to go our separate ways. It was three weeks later when I hooked up with another one and right off the bat she could tell I was nervous and she gave me a drink so I could relax, the sex was amazing but during sex I could feel my erection fading. After that night the chaser effect caught up with me and I went home masturbated.
Got on my way as if nothing happened, we dated for most 2016 with the ups and downs of sex and I wasn’t circumcised at the time. So one night during sex we both got dry and during penetration the foreskin got cut,right there and then I decided to get circumcised.
Now it gets weird, I got circumcised, two weeks into recovery with the stitches on and everything I found a way to masturbate. Boy was that risky and stupid, fortunately there wasn’t any damage done. Now that past and when I began masturbating excessively later on in the year I distanced myself from her and she called it quits. Man I was broken but I still continued masturbating into 2017, and in 2017 I found a new girl. With this one things ended soon as they begun cause I was still hurting from my previous relationship. Even with all that knowledge I still masturbated for most of 2017 until around May when I joined on NoFap. I then began setting streaks and breaking them the longest I went last year was 29 days if I’m not mistaken.
Then I continued masturbating, then late September I decided to try out a new approach. I would set a streak then break it intentionally. I first set 7 days then broke that, then it was 14 days I broke that then it was 3 weeks, did the same. I did the same it was for a month then I broke and it was the last streak I had broken because once you go a month without masturbation you start to feel awesome and you no longer want to go back to the same abusive pathways you once had.
It was the first week of December the 5th when my current streak began and it wasn’t until the 23rd of that month when I decided to come back to NoFap. Now I feel great nearing the big 120, since the beginning I’ve found myself a new nice girlfriend whom I opened up to who has been supportive and very understanding.
The confidence has skyrocketed, other women are warm in and around me and I command respect with the gents. My voice is deeper a lot of people have told me that and now when I talk people listen compared to then I’d walk into a room and people would be quiet. Now I’m the most talkative person around. I annoy myself sometimes the way I talk too much and my teasing game has shot up too. I’m more responsive to jokes.
I still remember this one time one thing happened to me. I was walking down the road past my old high school( I don’t life far from there) so as I was minding my own, this one girl greets me and I responded to her with a not so confident hi but she went on and told me that I have a huge butt and it looks like I’m twerking just walking down the road. We had a good laugh about it and went our separate ways.
The list of benefits is endless and I’ve learn to cope much better with my urges. One thing I’ve noticed is you’ve got to stay hydrated cause once you don’t drink enough water and have those healthy meals the urges seem to creep up and you’ll find yourself back to those old tricks again. My mind is clear no more brain fog I have these amazing ideas which some of them I don’t know what to do with them, but this time around I’m more in control of everything than I ever was when I watched porn. My posture has improved and I laugh more. The world is beautiful and trust me if you’ve just started out on this journey the first month is the hardest but once you make it past that and see those benefits you’ll want more out of this journey.
The more you stay away from PMO the more control you’ll have and you’ll be able to write your destiny. One thing I’m to do is achieve some of the things I’ve placed on hold for the past year’s. 9 years of porn erased and I’m moving on to even better things.
I know its a long read and I thank you guys for your support. See you at day 180.
LINK – I found bravery in my bravado
by John Msun
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