Generally speaking, I was able to deal with some stuff that would come up when handling an urge (mainly through what I called trigger training but I see that by now people are calling it urge surfing) – meditating on it, just experiencing what comes up in inner talk, inner picture and feelings in a detached way and gradually you learn that even the strongest urge fades away after a while. Sometimes distraction is still needed for very intense cases. But it helped relieving a lot of the stress, uncover some hidden patterns, etc. etc.
But it was not connecting me with the root of the addiction which was longing for intimate connection, feeling accepted by myself and others and like I have a place to be and fit in. When only dealing with my porn addiction as a main focus I would mainly focus on what I don’t want, beat myself up about it and perpetually simmer in my own soup with little to no feedback from the outside but everything playing out in my own head. All the while still longing, fearing and feeling unworthy. It was still a proxy to what I actually had to face – in a way you can say I was longing for intimate connection with other people and here I was sitting at home fighting my intimate connection with porn – I felt like I was facing the wrong way if you know what I mean.
But when I would get a lot closer to the core issue and for example walk up to a woman I thought was really attractive there would be A LOT more intense feelings and I think every man on here knows exactly what I am talking about. The pain, the suffering and the fear would be a lot stronger and dealing with porn addiction, reading up about it, thinking about how stupid I am for fapping suddenly felt a lot more safer and easier than going out there.
And I would also sometimes tell myself that this is not what I wanted or needed and I think that is mainly the reason why. And from what you mentioned (having tons of other issues including not being able to let myself be vulnerable, approach anxiety, fear of being rejected, not having intimacy at all, not wanting or being able to take risks, etc.) I think the vulnerability and intimacy are the core issues – meaning that when dealing with those the rest falls into place. At least that happened to me and they seemed secondary all of a sudden. The strength of opening up to your vulnerabilities and cultivating a sense of self love which sounds so hippie-dippy airy-fairy but the funny part is that all the badass stuff follows right in its footsteps. Just don’t get stuck in the airy-fairy and keep moving, keep developing.
Elaborated enough for now – if you have questions, just ask me specific ones 😉
“Have you approached women while watching porn?” Yes. Long before starting to read up on porn addiction. Still in the mindset of the time that it is natural, normal and even healthy for you. But I remember that already then fapping to porn would start to feel like it made me weak internally, sabotage me in a way but society told it’s alright so I fapped away furiously. I could not tell you exactly how it affected the whole process of connecting with women as it was so confusing and difficult anyway and there was so much going on that I can’t pinpoint it to one specific thing. But I guess the general stuff that people on here have already discovered about your drive, the vibe you give off and so on is pretty accurate.
“What about now? Is it easier now?” By now I have been in a relationship for almost a year so I have not approached any women for that long (I SWEAR HONEY!). But yes, it has gotten easier. I would not say easier as in I can go on autopilot and women throw themselves at me crotch first though. I just feel a lot more comfortable with it, it feels natural and I can ground myself in it. Still, the fear/excitement is still there. By now, I can turn the fear into excitement though and sometimes it even happens by itself (especially if you ground yourself in the fear by “fear surfing”).
LINK – If I understand you correctly, you want to know how connecting with women and dealing with the porn addiction affect each other and how both of them individually and combined influence my journey of facing and handling all the gooey, difficult stuff that hides in your subconscious, right? I hope it’s something along those.
“Can you elaborate more on this?” Generally speaking, I was able to deal with some stuff that would come up when handling an urge (mainly through what I called trigger training but I see that by now people are calling it urge surfing) – meditating on it, just experiencing what comes up in inner talk, inner picture and feelings in a detached way and gradually you learn that even the strongest urge fades away after a while. Sometimes distraction is still needed for very intense cases. But it helped relieving a lot of the stress, uncover some hidden patterns, etc. etc.
But it was not connecting me with the root of the addiction which was longing for intimate connection, feeling accepted by myself and others and like I have a place to be and fit in. When only dealing with my porn addiction as a main focus I would mainly focus on what I don’t want, beat myself up about it and perpetually simmer in my own soup with little to no feedback from the outside but everything playing out in my own head. All the while still longing, fearing and feeling unworthy. It was still a proxy to what I actually had to face – in a way you can say I was longing for intimate connection with other people and here I was sitting at home fighting my intimate connection with porn – I felt like I was facing the wrong way if you know what I mean.
But when I would get a lot closer to the core issue and for example walk up to a woman I thought was really attractive there would be A LOT more intense feelings and I think every man on here knows exactly what I am talking about. The pain, the suffering and the fear would be a lot stronger and dealing with porn addiction, reading up about it, thinking about how stupid I am for fapping suddenly felt a lot more safer and easier than going out there.
And I would also sometimes tell myself that this is not what I wanted or needed and I think that is mainly the reason why. And from what you mentioned (having tons of other issues including not being able to let myself be vulnerable, approach anxiety, fear of being rejected, not having intimacy at all, not wanting or being able to take risks, etc.) I think the vulnerability and intimacy are the core issues – meaning that when dealing with those the rest falls into place. At least that happened to me and they seemed secondary all of a sudden. The strength of opening up to your vulnerabilities and cultivating a sense of self love which sounds so hippie-dippy airy-fairy but the funny part is that all the badass stuff follows right in its footsteps. Just don’t get stuck in the airy-fairy and keep moving, keep developing.
Elaborated enough for now – if you have questions, just ask me specific ones 😉
“Have you approached women while watching porn?” Yes. Long before starting to read up on porn addiction. Still in the mindset of the time that it is natural, normal and even healthy for you. But I remember that already then fapping to porn would start to feel like it made me weak internally, sabotage me in a way but society told it’s alright so I fapped away furiously. I could not tell you exactly how it affected the whole process of connecting with women as it was so confusing and difficult anyway and there was so much going on that I can’t pinpoint it to one specific thing. But I guess the general stuff that people on here have already discovered about your drive, the vibe you give off and so on is pretty accurate.
“What about now? Is it easier now?” By now I have been in a relationship for almost a year so I have not approached any women for that long (I SWEAR HONEY!). But yes, it has gotten easier. I would not say easier as in I can go on autopilot and women throw themselves at me crotch first though. I just feel a lot more comfortable with it, it feels natural and I can ground myself in it. Still, the fear/excitement is still there. By now, I can turn the fear into excitement though and sometimes it even happens by itself (especially if you ground yourself in the fear by “fear surfing”).
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