I know very well how destructive porn can be, I know that due to the current state of our culture, there will be always a nagging voice that will tell you ‘oh porn is not so bad’, ‘porn is cool’, ‘there’s nothing wrong with porn’. For most of my life, I used to think this way.
I was a shut in all my life. I mean, I learned English because I did nothing else as a kid but watch cartoons on cartoon network (which was in English in Poland). When I was a teenager, I had pretty severe anxiety issues so I didn’t leave my house and didn’t have many friends. In a way, porn was my only friend, and as such I often went out of my way to search for porn and collected it. At one point, I had 1TB of pornographic comics and videos. I even was a fairly active part of a pornographic subculture called the “furry community”. By being part of the pornographic side from that culture, I even began to self-identify as a “furry”.
As shown above, my former “fursona”.
My entire social network was composed of porn users and porn artists. All of my friends on my friend list not only prolifically used porn, but were avid fans of it, like a religious movement. In fact, my aforementioned girlfriend was a porn artist that was quite famous in the furry community.
So as you can see, at one point in my life I really didn’t see anything bad in porn. In fact, I thought it was the greatest thing on the planet. But things changed when I actually wanted to get real sexual intimacy. It was only then that the problems around pornography became clear. I developed something called Post Orgasmic Illness Syndrome.
Post orgasmic illness syndrome (POIS) can be defined essentially as feeling sick after ejaculation/orgasm, much like a hangover. Since I was 16, I began to feel sick for a week each time I ejaculated. For me, it was a profound sickness. Imagine having flu and multiply it 10 times. It was quite debilitating and it stopped me from functioning at school, causing me to fail high school. Not even this stopped me from using porn; in fact it just propelled my addiction.
“What else do I have?” I said to myself. Even after I somehow managed to get to university, I still used porn. I masturbated and masturbated, obsessing over my fantasies. Feeling sick after using pornography didn’t stop me at all. As I’ve mentioned before, it was just like a bad hangover, it was very problematic, but when you’re an alcoholic you really struggle to stop after a while, you even lose touch of what matters to you most.
Porn is a drug, it’s not only addicting but you actually need a stronger “fix” each time you use it. When I first started using porn, I was disgusted by anything but the most soft-core porn. But after only a few years of using porn, I developed numerous disturbing fetishes. Being a furry was the least freaky thing I was into. Here’s a short list of things I once masturbated to on a regular basis:
Weight gain porn – it’s porn in which a woman deliberately fattens herself to obesity. I would spend hours on the internet searching for stories and comics about the subject so I would satisfy my needs. Oddly enough, whenever I found a girl who was “into that sort of thing” on a dating site, I would never initiate contact. I would just masturbate to her profile picture. I’m noting this because I want you to know that having a similar fetish is not something that will really “get you dates”. These kinds of people don’t care about any of that. The ones that do are not generally looking for long-term intimate relationships with people that share their fetishes online, like my first girlfriend for instance.
Amputee porn – I began to experience full sexual gratification only when I saw a woman suffer and powerless. I began to look for and masturbate to comics depicting women without arms and legs.
Omorashi/Urination – This was actually directly related to the one “relationship” I got out of my porn addiction. Once while scouring a furry dating website, I’ve met a girl that would become my first girlfriend. She was the only person I’ve met that was more into porn than I was. She was actually obsessed with it. In fact, she was on disability and lived with her parents because she did nothing else but draw and masturbate. She flunked out of community college and essentially spent her days masturbating to urination porn online. She was able to masturbate for such an extended period of time because of the Coolidge Effect
She was admittedly a long distance relationship and our relationship was very much centered on pornography. Ultimately, she didn’t really like me for what I was, she just wanted to satisfy her sexual needs, and I obliged. I urinated myself for her repeatedly just to cater to her fetishes. Eventually she became bored with me and abandoned me. Today, I know that this is the best kind of “relationship” (Love and friendship wise) you’ll get if you try to find people through porn instead of developing intimacy: A cheap meaningless fling at best.
This is an excerpt from the book NoPorn Plan: How to overcome porn addiction. To read more comics about recovering from porn and find out when the book will launch please go to http://nopornplan.com
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