Hey everybody,
This is my 90+ day report and also my first ever Reddit post… Come to think of it, my first internet post in years.
I’ve been mulling over what to say for some time now, but not getting anywhere. So I’ve decided to just start typing and see where I end up. Please forgive any incoherent thoughts and spelling errors.
Here goes. I am a 35 year old male… guess I should get used to saying 36, since that is only a few weeks away. Masturbating since I was 10, 11 or 12. No magazines, just fantasy. Got internet when I was 18. Can’t remember when porn became a problem, but it is at least a problem for the last decade. Never had a girlfriend or even been close enough to a woman to develop a relationship, even as friends. Though technically not a virgin, emotionally I am.
A few years ago I visited a prostitute with less than satisfactory results. You can probably guess the events during the hour. A medium erection during the short foreplay, but when the clothes came off it went away pretty quickly. A few times it came back just slightly enough to ‘technically’ end my virginity. But during the whole ordeal my penis felt nothing and did not climax. Of course I blamed it on nerves, and in the back of my mind I even blamed her. “If only she arched her back to show that line down her spine, or moved her hips in the way I find so sexy”. Then I came to senses. I had a beautiful woman lying naked on top/under/next to me. I should be able to get hard, just like I get at home, alone, behind the computer.
I knew pornography was the problem… And I didn’t do anything about it for a long time. Most of my life I have had trouble making and maintaining social contact which has slowly evolved into social anxiety and an avoidant personality. Last summer, after spending my three weeks vacation home alone, I finally had enough and under the guise of my irritating nose I went to the doctor. I almost chickened out, but after she perscribed some meds for my nose I finally confessed my mental problems. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Admitting my failings and shortcomings to another human being had always been unthinkable. I could barely speak through the tears I was desperately trying to keep hidden. But I did it.
It really triggered something in me. That step to the doctor was a switch that made me want to change the bleak and lonely outlook I had for my future. So then the end of the nofap september post hit the frontpage, and I spent a few hours reading the posts in this sub. I decided this was something I could (and should) do.
I set a goal for the standard 90 days which coincidentally was around the new year, so I chose january first as my end date. As a reward for reaching that goal I promised myself I was going to use those superpower I had been reading about and charm two beautiful women into bed. Sadly I soon discovered I must be living on a huge kryptonite deposit, because… no superpowers.
Or are there? I’ve been thinking about those superpowers and what they would do for me if I had them. These past three months of nofap and pornfree, combined with the help of the mental health care I’ve gotten, my mind has become clearer and happier. More eager to make eye contact and smile. Something is bubbling inside me trying to get out. And WHEN I conquer my anxieties, I know it will get out. I think that is what has been called superpowers… but they are not superpowers. They are human powers. Trapped by whatever is holding you back in life. They just feel super when they are set free. Well… I hope.
What is next for me. No more pornography. NOT. EVER. AGAIN. As for nofap: I’m not sure. After realizing my new years threesome was unlikely to happen my reward today was going to be a nice mastubatory release. But now I realize it is pathetic to plan something like that so far ahead. So I won’t. I’m going to wait untill I reach at least 100 days and then I am going to allow myself to let it happen when I’m ready.
Finally; my social problems will be tackled with help from the mental care system using talk- group therapy, CBT or a combination (I don’t know yet). Also some online self-help articles and serious dedication on my part. I will become happy. I will make new friends. And I will find a good woman to love, and make her love me. I will start living my life. My new years resolution.
Thank you all for your stories. Reading them has helped me a lot. Have a fap and porn free 2013.
TL;DR Just venting. Read it.. or not.
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