I am 22 years old, and ever since I was maybe 16, this group has been a guide for me, educating me on the physical and neurological effects of internet porn, and making me feel less alone.
(Everyone knows alcoholics aren’t anti-alcohol, but our culture isn’t really ready to talk about living porn-free without it sounding like you’re anti-porn, which is a shame.)
I want to share my story, and some resources that have helped me.
I have dealt with PIED on and off, and I know from experience that it CAN go away if porn is cut from your life. ymmv, but it worked for me.
I told my gf at the time, when we first tried to have sex, that I wasn’t ready, and she was understanding. We tried again a month or so later, after I had gone cold-turkey from porn, and my ED was gone.
I also know that it can RETURN if you bring porn back into your life, which is kind of devastating. Earlier this year, long after that first relationship, I had a one-night-stand, and my ED had returned. It was embarrassing, but also clarifying– I recommitted to being porn-free even as a single adult. What gives me hope is knowing that ED CAN go away if I truly stop.
I want to let you all know that I’m doing SO much better than I was when I started. Here’s what helped me along the way:
Acknowledging your triggers and avoiding them.
This took many years for me. My earliest triggers were incognito windows and adult sites. So I found a way to disable incognito for chrome and used SelfControl for those blocking sites. At first I thought, simply blocking things won’t truly teach me self control, right? It’ll make me dependent! That’s not true. These things help because they force you to remember what life was like without these sites in your life. They help you to become disinterested in them, so that you need them less and less.
Later on I realized that youtube itself was a problem for me. I couldn’t simply BLOCK youtube, but what I could do is dis-incentivize it. I use this site called Habitica.com, a habit/to-do list styled as an RPG, and although I usually dislike gamification, I love this site to bits. I’ve used this site for years now. I recently found a chrome extension Habitica SitePass that charges you Habitica gold for visiting blocked sites for a set length of time. Gold in Habitica can be used to get rewards. Now, when I type in youtube, I get a pop up saying, “You’re trying to Access www.youtube.com! It will cost you 20.00 to access for 20 minutes!” You can set the price and time yourself. It’s great because it leaves the choice up to me, while reminding me of my goals in Habitica.
I don’t use SelfControl much anymore, although I still have incognito disabled.
Read, and move past your shame!
Here’s my hypothesis: reading about other people’s struggles with porn, and reading about shame and how to overcome it, are vital to moving past your own shame and porn use. I believe that porn isn’t the problem inherently, but what brings us to use it compulsively– for me, it was for anxiety, perfectionism, fear of real intimacy. Here are two readings I can’t recommend enough:
The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown.
I know what you’re thinking, what does shame and vulnerability have to do with porn use? Although Brown’s work doesn’t explicitly deal with porn use, it deals with what I believe is the root of the issue– shame, and how to overcome shame with vulnerability. It changed my view of life. It’s something I’d recommend to anyone. A big part of the reason why I’m making this post is because I wanted to share my story to move past my own shame. She has some TED talks that are definitely worth checking out.
Manhood by Terry Crews
This autobiography is a great example of using vulnerability to overcome shame and become a truer version of yourself. Crews details his own struggles with porn addiction, how it hurt him and his family, and how he addressed it, reconciled with his wife, and unlearned toxic behaviors. He wrote this book before the MeToo movement, and if you’ve followed his story recently, he told his own story of being sexually assaulted. He is a model for me of bravery, and he reminds me why all these other women are so brave for speaking up too.
Finally, forgive yourself!!!
I have beat myself up over my struggles with porn addiction, and the truth is, it’s so much better to acknowledge your progress. I’m doing so much better now. If you’re reading this, you’re already in a good place, educating yourself, finding community. You care about making yourself into a better person, and that’s wonderful. You’re doing great, and don’t give up.
LINK – Forgive Yourself!! & some resources
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