Hello my fellow fapstronauts, just wanted to drop by and share my night with you, and tell you about a few experiences I’ve had.
I have been in love with the same girl for the past 3 years. From the moment I met her, I have wanted to be with her. The first semester that I tried to start a relationship, lets just say that I lost out to another guy. But I wasn’t even second place, I was like 4th (as she told me later). At this time, I wasn’t doing so well in college, and I was really heavy into pornography, using it to numb myself, and forget some things about my past. Well, after she had to break my heart, because I was literally the pathetic guy who couldn’t take the hint, I went home to work for a few semesters and to rebuild myself.
During that time I started living life a bit more, going out, having fun, and I realized that pornography was really holding me back, so after fighting with it for about a year, I stopped using. For the first time I can remember, I was free of it, and it was like I was a whole new man. I still relapsed every now and then, but I finally didn’t need it to feel happy, or even normal. With the extra energy, I managed to become a better me. I lost 60 lbs, and was a much more social person.
When I went back up to college, I ran into her, and we got to talking. And over the semester, we somehow became best friends, and we did everything together. I realized that I was starting to fall in love with her again, but I didn’t want to mess up our friendship. Somehow though, I was put into a situation where I told her that I loved her, and she didn’t run away like I had expected.
For a few brief months, I was in love with my best friend. She was the first girl I ever kissed (I know I’m 25, but it just never happened to me, and my religion believes in no sex before marriage), and the first girl who ever admitted that she loved me. It was the happiest time of my life. But eventually, the semester ended, and she went home. We Skyped every day and she was still my best friend, but I started feeling depressed. And before I knew it, I was into pornography again, trying to feel better. She could tell something had changed, and I could too. Suddenly, I was much more emotionally dependent, my jokes fell flat, and I slowly felt a barrier rise between us. I started gaining weight again too.
And then, one day, I went down to visit her, and she could tell something was wrong. I wasn’t the same guy she had been dating. All of my confidence was gone, and she broke up with me that same day, saying that she didn’t think a long distance relationship would work.
I was devastated, and when I got back home, I dove even farther into pornography to numb myself. I stopped feeling, or caring about anything. I walked out of my job because I couldn’t take another second of being around other people, and gained back all of the weight that I had lost.
I didn’t realize then that it was the porn that was causing all this, but it felt like something inside me was becoming dark, and twisted, I felt sick, and had no respect for myself. I went deeper and darker than I had ever been, and simply didn’t care.
After 6 months, I finally started thinking clearly again. I had been using every day for that time, but I was starting to taper off, and my mind cleared for a bit and I realized what I had done. so I started researching things about pornography addiction, but found nothing helpful, just so many people saying it was fine, that it didn’t hurt. I hated that because I knew that it did! I started using less and less, though never really stopping, and started making progress in my life again.
And a few days ago, I found the TED talk on YouTube, through a side link, and heard about you guys for the first time. After all I had heard from the internet that porn doesn’t affect us, I was amazed to find so many other people who had realized what I had: that pornography can destroy who you are.
Tonight was the end of my third day on /nofap/, and I already started feeling much more confident. This girl and I are still friends, and tonight we went out for a drive and got to talking, and instead of the emotionally dependent, un- confident guy I’ve been recently, I was the confident, funny guy that she fell in love with, and even though we got stuck in a snowbank for two hours, waiting to be pulled out. We were laughing, joking, and wrestling the whole time (yes, she likes to wrestle). She admitted that she has feelings for another guy, but I can tell that seeing me like this surprised her, and I am going to chase her again.
I am so glad that I found this site, and some people that understand. I don’t know if I will get the girl, but I do know that my life is moving forward again and I have /nofap/ to thank for it. It’s so much easier when you aren’t alone.
LINK – Porn and the Friend Zone.
by richmond_b
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