Bob writes:
…i have been serving a Findom for almost going on five years now. I have been masturbating to Her clips and pics since the very beginning. Now i have did a little reading on this subject but i have become impotent when i’m with a woman, which the last time i went out on a date and couldn’t perform that was it, i was very embarrassed. The thing that bothers me is i can still reach an intense orgasm when watching her clips, and seeing her pics, i even get aroused when reading one of her emails to me. I don’t understand why i can’t separate the two and still perform when with a woman. I’m bothered by this very much Dr. Sue.
I’m afraid you have a pornography addiction Bob. Many men I speak to jump to conclusions when it comes to their behaviour and addiction is a word that gets passed around a lot both in sexual fantasy and reality. But this is a really good example of classic porn addiction.
The internet has obviously contributed to most of the issues men are having today. Porn is more readily available than it used to be and definitely more attainable to men at younger and younger ages; kids as young as 12 have become porn addicts.
But here’s the kicker, porn addiction doesn’t exist in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which is the holy grail of psychiatry but we all know it exists and is in fact a very serious problem that grows every year. The caveat when it comes to the DSM is that it is heavily influenced by the pharmaceutical industry and is more concerned with labelling disorders than really dealing with them plus most of the information is antiquated. For example they still feel having a paraphilia (fetish) is a psychiatric condition. [This is why I advise anyone getting in to the mental health realms to just ‘get through’ your basic
schooling because 99.9% of what you’ll learn is from your patients not a book that’s so old it is basically irrelevant – within reason obviously.] So because there is no scientific evidence that would make these old codgers happy enough to put it in the book it leaves us with no clinical ‘by-the-book’ treatment plan. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be treated. It just means as a clinician you try different modalities until something sticks. Let’s look first at why I think Bob has a porn addiction.
Although there is no scientific evidence that would make the old boys happy we do have the ability to watch for trends and many great psychologists and psychiatrists have done simple studies and observations enough for us to be able to note some repeating tendencies.
Erectile dysfunction – The inability to get an erection without the use of your preferred porn or the inability to get an erection by looking at a three dimensional human being instead of a two dimensional image.
Dissociation/Reclusiveness – The inability to relate to or have empathy for your partner in addition to having no sexual desire for them. You start to find your partner irritating because you want your porn, your porn ‘gets you.’ I have had gentlemen tell me that they just like masturbating better because YOU know how to get yourself off whereas THEY don’t anymore.
You can also become reclusive where you stop going out with friends or if you’re single you don’t bother to date because it’s either too much work or it pulls you away from your porn. And in some extreme cases men will stay home from work to watch porn and masturbate thereby threatening their own livelihood.
Social anxiety disorders can accompany a porn addiction as well. The idea of going out and approaching a woman becomes too much so they stay home in a safe environment where they can’t be rejected. As such many late in life virgins are porn addicts.
But erectile dysfunction is number one. So in Bob’s case you can see he is no longer able to get an erection or if he does its weak or isn’t able to be maintained when he’s physically with a woman. And he has a good reason to be concerned.
Now we have to add in another element, the fact that this is a D&s relationship. This started out innocent enough. You find a Domme, you buy her clips, you build a relationship and she tells you to do nothing but watch her clips or listen to her audios when you jerk-off and nothing else. This creates two issues, his willingness to do as he’s told and the repetition of watching her clips and jerking off which sets up a great scenario for the addictive brain whether or not the Domme knows it. Not that this is her responsibility but if she cares about her subs then she should have a plan for this type of issue but to be completely honest most men don’t follow orders to that degree. They buy, they serve a bit then they drift off. But some, like Bob, become devoted pets who will do anything they’re told.
The bad news is the only way to kick a porn addiction is to cease looking at the porn. I’d love to say there’s an easy way but this is a behavioral issue which means breaking the behavior. You can’t break the behavior if you’re still engaged in the behavior.
Bob has a problem because the only way for him to get back in to ‘reality sex’ is for him to stop interacting with his Domme and change his behavior. So it comes down to a decision, keep serving the Domme and remain where you are now addicted to her and the entertainment she provides or stop all contact and work on re-entering the real world. It takes time just as it did to become an addict and most people don’t want to do the work involved.
I’ve seen this with hundreds of clients over the years and it’s not an easy thing to kick because it feels good. But porn addiction is a real and serious issue and can cause you to lose your partner, your family and your friends. If you do feel you’re going down the road to a porn addiction my suggestion is to stop now and reverse your actions before you dig the hole deeper. You can always fix it, but the longer you stay there, the longer it will take to fix later.
If you find that you’re anxiety ridden or have a social issue then I would suggest you see a psychiatrist and discuss some pharmaceutical ways to help you through in addition to mental health counselling from a provider who specializes in sexual and porn addictions in your area. It’s not worth losing your loved ones over or not engaging in the deliciousness that is human sexual contact.
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