Could you be contributing to your problems in the bedroom?
10 Jan 2019
If you’re experiencing a dry spell in the bedroom, you’re not alone. And, guess what? The thing that is causing this spell may actually be easy to remedy. If you just aren’t as “excited” about sex as you used to be, some surprising factors may be at play that could be wreaking havoc on your sex life. Sadly, less and less time in-between the sheets with your partner often leads to a decline in one of the most enjoyable aspects of being in a happy and healthy relationship.
There are a variety of reasons why you may be experiencing a “sexual drought,” still many of these reasons are linked, in some way, to self-esteem issues. In other words, there are things you may not be aware of that could lead to a low self-esteem, and low self-esteem can lead to serious problems in the bedroom..
When you don’t carve out enough time for sex or “self-pleasure,” it can lead to frustration, resentment, anger, anxiety, and/or depression – factors that can take you right out of the mood for sex.
The good news is you can improve the quality of your sex life simply by determining what’s causing it to be stuck in neutral.
This might be why your sex life is suffering:
Watching Porn with Your Partner
It is common for couples, especially long-term ones, to watch porn together in hopes that it will “spice up” their sex lives. But, surprisingly, it could actually have the opposite effect, especially if you aren’t properly prepared for its inclusion in your life. And, although porn may be the “perfect” solution for some couples, for others, it could lead to a host of serious problems in and out of the bedroom. Porn can create unrealistic expectations. And, let’s be honest, watching your partner become aroused by someone or something else can be hard – real hard.
On top of that, too much porn-watching, even with your partner, can lead or worsen sexual dysfunctions like porn-induced erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Moreover, it can trigger low self-esteem and self-confidence, if by chance you or your partner expects you to “measure up” to what he or she is seeing on the screen. As a result, you could increase your risk of developing performance anxiety or anxiousness at the mere thought of having sex.
And, while most assume that porn only causes problems for men, that couldn’t be farthest from the truth. In fact, porn-watching can also lead to sexual issues in women like low sex drive, orgasmic disorder, or an inability to become aroused. Therefore, if you decide to add porn into your sex life, be realistic and limit how much time you spend in the fantasy world, so you can concentrate on the real one.
Electronics Addiction
This may come as a surprise, but your electronics may be causing problems beneath the sheets. More specifically, smartphones, tablets, and even televisions have steadily been making their way into the bedroom, causing all kinds of troubles. In fact, it has become increasingly harder for couples to put down their phones – even when trying to be intimate. People have become so addicted to their electronics that some even look at them during foreplay – and immediately following sex.
Then, there are people, who rush through sex so they can return to the movie, sitcom, video game, text, call, porn site, and/or social media activity they were previously engaged in. For many, these “things” have become more important than talking to others – in person. They have also become more important than “connecting” with a partner either through sex or through simply being together. We are becoming “disconnected” from each other. And, as a result, we are less and less empathetic, personal, and authentic towards other people.
This “disconnection” has even started to affect our sex lives and romantic relationships. The best way to prevent electronics from taking over and causing problems in the bedroom is to remove them from it – especially during sex and sexual activities. Set a time to use the electronics and then put them away until the next day. Use this time to get to know each other again – emotionally and sexually, spend time together, and create long-lasting memories.
Switching Places
This probably never crossed your mind, but switching places during sex can cause problems in your sex life. Some couples believe that if they “switch it up” with the normally dominant partner taking on the role of the submissive one, and the normally submissive partner taking on the role of the dominant one; it will reignite the fire in their sex lives. And, for some it will, but for others, it won’t. In fact, it could trigger or worsen problems in the bedroom. How? Well, by making the other partner feel insecure or unsure during sex.
If you are used to being the dominant partner in the relationship, but especially during sex, it could cause you to feel “out of place” or uncomfortable, which could negatively affect your sex life. Once again, this can lead to self-esteem and self-confidence issues – in and out of the bedroom. Therefore, before you switch the “roles” you normally play during foreplay or sex; make sure you both are on-board with it. And, if one partner appears to be uncomfortable with the idea or the activity – stop it and revisit it in the future. Keep in mind, both partners should feel comfortable and confident during sexual activities, if that isn’t the case, it will eventually lead to resentment and a lot less sex.
Lastly, one of the major factors that could be causing problems in the bedroom is low self-esteem. As mentioned above, mostly all roads begin or lead back to self-esteem. It is important to understand that if you have a low self-esteem, in general, it will probably filter into your sex life and relationship, if you don’t address it.
For instance, if you are unhappy about your appearance, financial situation, job performance, or even relationship, it can enter into your life in other areas, such as in your sex life. More specifically, it can affect the frequency and quality of the sex you have by making you feel insecure and unsure in this area. On the flip side, a low sex drive can also lead to anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
If these feelings occur often enough, it can lead to a low self-esteem in the bedroom. The end result? Hurt feelings, relationship issues and a decline in sex. So, if you don’t feel like you “measure up,” work on increasing your confidence and accept that your partner wouldn’t be with you if you didn’t!
In Summary…
The truth is we all do things that could potentially harm our sex lives. Some of these things are obvious and some of them are not so obvious. Some are controllable and some are not so controllable. And, some are downright surprising. It is important understand that you can improve what happens in the bedroom. The first step is taking a hard long look at your sex life. Are you having problems and if so, what could be causing them? Being honest with yourself and your partner is key to improving the sex – and your relationship. Once you are fully aware of what is causing the problem, you can fix it. And, with help and support, your sex life will be even better than before!
Dr. R.Y. Langham holds a Master of Science in marriage and family therapy and a Ph.D. in family psychology. She serves as a professional consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which provides sex-therapy online programs for men and couples experiencing premature ejaculation.
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