I’ve been addicted to porn for at least 20 years. I’ve made several attempts at quitting for the last year or so. This streak I’m on now feels different, it feels a little bit easier, and I believe it is because I’ve had some false beliefs about sex that I’ve began to change. Here they are:
- Sex means enjoying another person’s body parts. It has nothing to do with relating to another person.
- It is potentially the absolute greatest thing in the world, nothing could possibly be better than acting out a particular fantasy with someone I was really attracted to and who was into it.
- It’s unfortunate that my circumstances in life don’t allow me to live the imaginary life of the characters in porn.
- I don’t have much control over my urges (neither does any man).
- Women are luxury goods. A man who gets laid a lot or has a girl that is very attractive is better than those who don’t.
- Monogamous relationships are limiting. It’s like only being able to eat at one restaurant for the rest of your life.
The problem with these beliefs are that they cause me to elevate sex beyond what it is. They’ve made quitting porn difficult too. In the past I would abstain from porn for a few days, but I would fantasize, and my fantasies would be just like porn scenes. In them I’m using someone else body parts for my own enjoyment. It wouldn’t taking long before the fantasies were boring, and I’d be back to looking at porn.
This time around, I’m working on redefining what sex is. Now I define sex as a part of a committed relationship. Sex outside relationship is bastardized at best and pathological or evening criminal at worst.
So now sex is something I do with my wife. I don’t look at porn, I don’t fantasize about other women, I don’t follow Instagram models, I don’t let my eyes linger over the attractive women I see in real life, I haven’t even been masturbating. Because none of that is sex. Sex means being with my wife.
This change in mindset has really been helpful. My wife and I pretty much stopped having sex, mainly because I never initiated it. When we did, it would be a disaster. I would close my eyes and imagine she were someone else and we were in a porno. I could get an erection, but It would eventually go soft and I wouldn’t be able to orgasm. My wife would get upset and I would feel bad and embarrassed.
We’ve had more sex already in 2019 then in all of 2018. I can’t keep my hands off of her. She loves how much attention I am giving her, and I know it is making her feel sexy and desired. Also when we’re having sex, I’m not thinking about anything. I am just in the moment enjoying it. Finishing is no problem anymore. In fact, I’ve had to make myself slow down a few times. And the orgasms have been more intense than any PMO I’ve ever had. I also feel fulfilled and very satisfied.
I’m not even a month in, so I’m not going to fool myself into thinking that I’ve recovered, but changing my beliefs about sex have really made things easier than previous attempts. I’d strongly recommend examining your own beliefs about sex and see if changing any of them may help.
tl;dr – I’ve held some unhealthy beliefs about sex that have impeded previous recovery attempts. Redefining what sex means has helped me abstain from porn, and has been helping my marriage.
LINK – Changing your beliefs about sex may help your recovery.
by inofapafoni
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