This pep talk was posted to a man who relapsed at day 12. The author’s own partner has been recovering from heavy porn use, so she understands the challenge better than most women.
Going back to porn to ease your anxiety about sexual potency and virility is reinforcing the very mechanisms that are keeping you from enjoying said potency and virility. What you have conditioned yourself to respond to sexually isn’t going to go away overnight, darling.
My best advice to you is to abolish all sexual stimulation (physical/mental etc…) while you reboot. This may seem extreme, but it’s the quickest path to return your body’s sensitivity to homeostasis.
During this process you will confront various changes in perception as well as the issues and emotions you have avoided dealing with via your compulsion.
You absolutely WILL get better if you continue to stay away from porn, and instead focus that energy into more positive and productive channels. *Do not neglect physical activity.* This will help form fresh neurons in the brain that will help undo the plastic changes that occurred through porn use.** NEW** brain pathways are key.
Secondly, the next time you begin feeling these fears and anxieties, instead of seeking refuge and self validation through the very medium that you screwed yourself up with, do something *NEW*.
- Come here, and tell us about what you are feeling.
- Deliberately seek out like minded people who have experienced similar things.
- Deliberately seek out positive advice on how best to resolve these psychological hang ups.
- Don’t run away to the very thing that put you here.
- Don’t go back to your pacifier. It will only do you more harm.
Porn use has harmed you enough, love. Confused you. Demagnetized you. Alienated you.
When you feel anxious or fearful about your future potency, be grateful for the signs your body is giving you about its return to sensitivity. Acknowledge your distress. Place no expectations on your recovery, and it will continue automatically.
Understand that while your body is regaining sensitivity, your mind is doing the same. Everything will be more pronounced: your joys, your fears, your feelings of accomplishment, your intimate interchanges with other people, your awareness of everything.
As you feel your anxieties and fears, cultivate objectivity. See yourself through the eyes of a scientist. Observe your actions, monitor your REactions. Keep your objective to HEAL firmly in mind, even to the point of employing cold disciplinarian methods if necessary. [For example, installing web filters, running cold water over your genitals for a moment, and so forth.]
It will take some time to learn to navigate the new psychological/emotional territory you are venturing into. As you told us, you have been in a deep sleep for a large chunk of your adult life, so these aspects of yourself have been conveniently avoided through the oblivion of porn. Allow your mind and your body time to wake up. Impatient, impulsive reactions will only delay progress that much longer.
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