If someone would have told me sometime ago, when I was ignorant of the dangers of porn, that it could cause serious sexual dysfunctions and disconnect myself from others, I would have thought they were some evangelical lunatic or something. I would have thought they were pretty sex negative and regressive, not open to new ways of how people express their sexuality.
I lived the ugly truth of what it means to be a serious porn addict, and have suffered through the consequences of what that entails. I am 30 years old and have been a serious addict since the age of 14. I grew up in a household where anything related to sex was not discussed, and the way I was exposed to sex was through my peers in the form of pornography.
I was hooked the moment I watched my first porn. I’ve had friends that would have older brothers and fathers with mountains of all different kinds of exciting porn, enough to rot your brain for a lifetime, and that’s exactly what I did for the next 16 years.
Throughout that time, I didn’t have many sexual experiences. I didn’t suffer from sexual dysfunction at the time of my first romantic encounter, although my girlfriend would often feel sad and complain that our sex felt more like “fucking” than connecting. Deep down, I knew she was right, I thought making love was fucking like a pornstar, it was fun at times, but the heart connection through love making was not something I was familiar with or taught in a healthy way, and through reinforcement of powerful images. I thought great sex was rough hardcore fucking.
That relationship lasted a good amount of time before it ended. I was devastated and lonely after it came to an end. I was already an addict during the relationship, and I was watching porn almost every day. When the relationship ended, I dealt with the pain and my insecurities with abusing a ridiculous amount of porn, deepening my addiction to another level. It wouldn’t be an uncommon occurrence for me to watch and masturbate to porn up to 8 times a day.
I’ve watched all kinds of porn, and it was something that got me real high. I was so ignorant, I actually took pride in being able to masturbate that many times in one day, I thought that would translate into being a sex god with the next woman I slept with. Little did I know that this was far from the truth. actually, it was quite the opposite.
I was single for 3 years after a 5-year relationship. I would dedicate all my intimacy to a screen with flashy bombarding imagery of intense porn multiple times a day during those three years. Getting closer to 30, I was at a point in my life where all my long-term friends were getting really invested in their careers, getting married, and moving on. I found myself alone, with no community of friends and no girlfriend to keep me company. I was alone with the comfort of a screen full of sweet porn to make me feel good and less alone. Porn doesn’t give you anything but a cheap high, the pain didn’t go away.
After some time, it was do or die, so I started making changes in my life. I started putting myself out there, showing myself some more love, and eventually, after a lot of uncomfortable and relentless work, I became very good at connecting with people, all kinds of people. I eventually became good at connecting with women. I met this beautiful woman, she inspired me in so many ways, and she actually liked me back! I found her to be so sexy and mentally engaging. I wanted her in every possible way, and I was so excited she actually wanted me too! Life was so good!! We were in her bed and I was so ready to experience beautiful bonding with this lovely woman on such an intimate level! I waited so long and put in so much work to bond with someone so deeply. When it came time… when I was laying on this beautiful woman’s bed with her body on top of mine… I couldn’t do anything about it… my dick was dead, and my soul was dying along with it.
She was super cool about it and very supportive, I thought I may just have the nerves. It has been awhile, and I really wanted to make a good impression, I brushed it off, until… it happened again the next time, and the time after that… and after that…. I then realized I may have a serious problem. She became frustrated, and it got to my head so fucking bad. She eventually said we should take sex out of the relationship, and just be friends. I felt so ashamed, and I felt like I let this woman down. I felt like I let myself down.
I was determined to find out what was wrong with me. I went to the urologist, got testing done, they said everything was fine and my testosterone levels were actually above average. I felt so broken and confused, I really wanted to have a sexual and intimate relationship, and I felt like I could never have it. I started questioning my sexuality, “am I asexual? I’m attracted to women, why can’t I get it up? Why am I struggling with this when it seems so natural for everyone else? Why am I going through this?” I was so confused, and so afraid of sex.
I looked for answers and found communities like this talking of the dangers of porn. I learned about PIED, and it all started to make sense. This had to be the reason, nothing else was. Through researching the harmful effects of porn, I learned that it not only harms the consumer, but the people involved in the production are often times victims of abuse and trafficking. I no longer wanted this to be part of my sexuality.
I wanted nothing to do with porn… that did not stop me from using it… I’ve relapsed so many times, knowing what I’m watching is hurting me and hurting society, I could not stop. I never gave up, with every relapse, I’d reflect on why this happened, how I felt when I decided to use, and what could I do to prevent another one.
Everything is practice, including quitting something.
I eventually went a good 3 months without watching porn, masturbating very sparingly, and still counting. I met this woman last week, and she we were super attracted to each other. She stayed at my house, cuddled and kissed me, and I felt something happen that I never thought I’d feel again. A fucking boner. I was so fucking thankful I wanted to cry. I never thought I’d be able to experience one of those again with a real woman. Not only that, but I finally got to have enjoyable sex where I wasn’t stressed about waking up a dead dick. I feel so great about myself!
I have come such a long way. I learned that I also suffer from delayed ejaculation, probably from masturbating so much that I’m used to the specific friction of my hand, I’ve researched this and it’s something that sounds reversible as well. I’m looking forward to my growth and recovery from porn addiction. I can see and feel the light.
We need real sex education in this country. No one warns you about this shit. This stuff is very real. Porn is very dangerous to your mental and sexual health. I cannot stress that enough. I’ve lived it, and will live it no more
LINK – I did it…PIED, and porn addiction recovery!! There is light at the end! Stay strong!
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