120 Days absolutely porn free.
In last 120 days I have masturbated only 7 times (without fantasy or any other visual stimuli).
I beat Cannabis dependency, 121 days absolutely clean as of today.
I was terribly addicted to cigarettes for 8 years and I quit it 437 Days ago cold turkey.
For last 2 months I am skipping breakfast on daily basis (I don’t eat anything between dinner and lunch).
The last time I got drunk was 142 days ago.
Background: – 12 or may be 13 years old. Started jerking off to pictures of bikini girls. 14 years old, I was jerking off to hardcore porn. I got hooked. I had no idea what I was doing. I became terribly moody over time; normal healthy foods became boring and I would avoid eating them. Long story short, I was fapping to porn on daily basis and at the age of 16 when I was reading, my friend (female, one year older than me) came into my room and was sitting very close to me and suddenly started making out and I was like a dead man. She tried to touch my dick which was dead as well…. I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do. She got very horny and I was like confused, trying my best to get myself aroused but nothing happened. As she left the room my brain was unable to process what had just happened.
At night I would think what the fuck was wrong with me and then jerk off to sleep.
I played video games throughout my teenage and made some friends. They were also pmo addicts.
First forward. I was 18, fapping to some nasty shit, 5-8 orgasms a week. I learned to inhale cigarette smoke, instantly got hooked. Mood swings, low grade depression, anxiety and lack of interest in real women was my personality. Social anxiety was increasing. 4 of my friends were also going through the same shit.
Finally, I could not take it anymore and dropped out of the college. Study was a huge mental burden to me.
Fast forward. I was 21 depressed as fuck was getting drunk to the point of unconsciousness, though I was not drinking more than 2-3 times a month. But I felt great whenever I got drunk. With 2 of my best friends I started visiting prostitute, we used dick pills. It worked but I was like a dumb machine with an erect penis. I couldn’t orgasm in the second round without jerking off. I couldn’t get aroused, everything seemed boring.
Fast forward. I was 24, discovered Cannabis. I and my friends felt like it was God sent. We would smoke every evening and enjoy. This enjoyment didn’t last long. Soon everyone was kind of becoming more depressed and brain foggy. I would sometimes get high alone and fap to porn like there was no tomorrow. Now, whenever I and my friends got together, we would get high and smoke cigarettes like a chimney. Junk food, PMO, Cannabis, prostitute once in a while. That was our life until one night I was jerking off to homosexual and transgender porn. After the deed was done, I was like “what the fuck am I doing? Is it because of the drugs? Am I gay? Am I bisexual? ” I was never normal since that day.
25.Oct.2017 in the afternoon, my friends called me. They were going to buy Cannabis from a new dealer who had good quality Cannabis. I was anxious, depressed, terribly numb to the reality. I said yes and we were on our way to the new dealer. As we reached there, I was kind of getting a lot of anxiety, as they were buying it, I didn’t know what happened to me I started walking away from that place. My best friend got mad at me and so was I on all of them for calling me. I completely lost my shit and said some nasty shit. That was the end of 8 years’ close friendship.
It’s been exactly 768 days we never got together.
I came home decided to quit cigarettes and cannabis for good. That was the turning point.
I was trying to quit cigarettes and cannabis with all my might, I would go couple of weeks and relapse and would get high on cannabis and pmo. I was like a zombie. But I kept trying and trying. I was lonely as fuck. Terrible mood swings, anxiety panic attack. Sometimes in the evening I would visit prostitute after swallowing a dick pill which would make me dizzy, numb and almost a zombie. I never enjoyed sex with them. I went there because I didn’t know what else I could do. I was brain dead.
One night I was High and listening to loud music and crying laying in the corner of my dark room. I would remember what my teachers used to say (“This kid has a bright future”) and here I was crying, lying in a dark room as the high had started to fade. Finally, I made myself quit cigarettes for good. Soon I started getting High less and jerking off to porn decreased but continued until one day I stumbled upon Gabe’s YouTube videos and soon after that Gary’s Videos. I was like “why in the hell could I not find this before?”
I started quitting PMO very seriously since my 26th birthday. And in last nine months I relapsed to porn 3 times while I was under the influence of cannabis. I never let my relapse became a binge relapse.
I still don’t know if my PIED is cured or not but I would definitely not visit prostitute to rewire or check my progress nether I have any interest in a meaningless relationship to have temporary sensual pleasure.
13 years of my life was lost to porn. I will never know what a normal teenage life is like.
If you are struggling with this, know that recovery is possible no matter how fucked up your situation and circumstances are.
All your OCD, ADD, Brain fog, anxiety, depression, anhedonia, irritability, insomnia, frequent urination, procrastination, emotional numbness, craving for junk food will be gone. I promise you. All you have to do is quit PMO.
I have no one but this subreddit to share my pain with. I just wanted to get this out of my chest and let you guys know that this is where I found the support and encouragement. The best place on the internet.
LINK – 120 Days!
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