Experts are warning that British people have the highest rates of storm porn addiction in the western world and their tastes are only getting more hardcore.
“Often people’s addiction starts in the workplace where they’ll check out a Guardian picture gallery or two and maybe even discuss it with a colleague” says storm-sexpert Barry Collins. “Everybody loves a good story about rain but they don’t realise its a gateway drug and soon flooded kitchens won’t be enough. In the privacy of their homes people will find themselves craving ever more destruction: hurricanes, storm surges, cars crushed by trees.”
“It’s so much better than regular porn” said one anonymous storm user. “I get the very same rush and feeling of ‘I shouldn’t be enjoying this so much’ and when I’m finished, somebody else has to clean the mess up. It’s true some of the people in the pictures don’t look to be enjoying themselves but I don’t feel too guilty, it’s the life they chose.”
For others, their use has totally spiralled out of control: “Mere flooding doesn’t get me off any more. I need to see lives destroyed and societies on the brink of collapse. I’m increasingly getting into the freaky Asian stuff. Tsunamis and typhoons are the best and they always keep filming over there.”
The government is considering building a massive storm wall around Britain that will filter out the nastier elements. Environment Minister Owen Paterson explains the concerns: “We have no problem with adults watching all the extreme weather they like but if children see storm footage at too young an age they’ll never be satisfied with traditional British conversation about drizzle or merely overcast days. We need to think of the small talk.”
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