This is probably my longest streak since 2016. The porn that’s been most addictive for me is stories/fic, amateur audio, with a bit of amateur video occasionally at my horniest, just before my period (and before ovulating, previously). Although at the end it was starting to become more video, when I found a particular kind of thing I liked on reddit (always amateur though. I could never watch those hardcore fake porn sites, it’s too horrible, and you know you’re watching part of the big bad porn industry that’s involved in rape footage, trafficking, drugging etc. I feel bad even clicking through from reddit to access something amateur that someone’s uploaded up there. Like you’re crossing a bad line).
I have struggled a lot with this behaviour, even though it’s not like watching hardcore video porn from a young age – I’m old enough that didn’t happen to me, thankfully. Instead it was erotic stories and then much later fanfic and later still audio (which had consequences I’ve previously posted about). But it has affected me physically, financially, kept me in some level of unreality/delusion I think years ago – using endorphins from fantasy sexual relationships to get through difficult times in my life. I think lots of women actually do this to a degree, they just don’t think of it as ‘porn’.
I think I’ve achieved this long now just because life has been so stressful since coming back from traveling and a relocate that didn’t work, and I just can’t allow myself to do anything that would affect my integrity/consequences/energy field/Source connection that negatively.
Which porn always does. When you’re living on a low income and self-employed (which I was before traveling) you really notice it. Opportunities fall away/fall through; I got speeding fines and parking fines, fines would just come out of nowhere.
My adrenals are really exhausted from all the moving around so it’s actually better for me if I masturbate a lot less, and definitely not prolonged/edging which is what happens when you’re reading stories. Also this streak started New Year’s Day – there’s extra motivation somehow about not wanting to give that up.
Not interested in ‘NoFap’, but I will say masturbating lots less has definitely helped. Plus I still fantasise about the last married guy I nearly had a thing with, in real life (thanks to GWA), so…masturbating rarely helps a lot with that too. Still miss him but it’s a lot less. Also with the age I’m getting to – I was never willing to let go of masturbation in years past but at this age it’s a lot easier. I guess my libido is dropping off – sad for me as if I ever do find the guy I’ve been looking for, I would like to still have my sexuality intact. :-/
The positive changes: Much more graceful, no edge of anger/defensiveness that comes from knowing you’re doing things that are age-inappropriate and would cause you shame if others knew (especially other women); living in/accepting reality more; better energy/aura in dealing with people. Just no hidden bits of shame or sexual secrets that change the way you interact subtly.
I feel like I’m facing reality pretty hard on many levels right now.
Tools that have helped:
– the daily formal prayer I do (in arabic, on a mat). It’s powerful. I always notice I’m a lot more vulnerable to acting out if I don’t do it.
– commenting/posting on here – getting on reddit a lot less
– swimming (when I can) – doing any kinds of self-employed action towards earning, even if a lot less money
– SELF CARE… – reading a book instead of internet at night. or streaming a movie so I feel I’ve had downtime that surfing internet would have been in place of previously.
– reaching out to my remaining couple of program friends when things get tough – not drinking (I can’t do this anymore anyway; my adrenals hurt when I do now)
– getting to bed early and getting up early, making sure I get good sleep – taking my repro-female solution (all natural hormonal balancers)
– EDIT: and SAA of course! (When I’m in the city). Meetings very helpful in maintaining.
I’m in the big city again now…cleaning my friend’s flat I am staying at. Just having a day’s rest after all the moving. Opportunities have come in at least for places to stay, so God is still with me.
Thanks for reading if you did.
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