I want to share my story with you all in the hopes it will be useful to someone. Especially for those who are struggling. It is a little different in its ending than most but it starts the same.
I’m a 27 year old straight man. I started watching porn on the internet at 11. Mostly out of curiosity. A year later I was masturbating to it everyday.
By 16 I had escalated to transsexual porn where I had firmly drew the line, tho I did end up crossing it a time or two.
By this time I had become aware that it was not a good thing. I didn’t know how much it was the source of my growing issues, but I suspected.
And I had all the usual issues. Social anxiety, lack of initiative, low energy, brain fog, acne, and sleep disorders. And of course zero skills with real girls.
A year or so later I discovered no fap, which was 10 years ago now. It gave me so many answers and after struggling to quit for a time I managed a 90 day streak. I felt completely reborn. I had confidence, health, i felt like a man for the first time in my life. But it was just a taste. I relapsed hard. Life threw me some curveballs, and porn became an even greater escape for me than it had ever been before.
I kept trying on and off for streaks. But I never made it over a month again. Mostly I could only manage a few days. And I tried everything. I read everything. I tried every technique. Every method every trick. But none of it gave me freedom.
This was a really dark period for me. I knew how destructive porn was, and the kind of life it was keeping me from. But i still couldn’t shake it. Guilt and shame swallowed me whole.
It’s one thing to be ignorant and addicted. Knowing what it does though and trying to get free of it, and all the while failing is something else.
It really is one of worst things a man can suffer in this modern world.
I spent almost 10 years like this.
Nearing the end of that period tho I gave up fighting it. I didn’t have any fight left in me. I was resigned it was something I could not change. This triggered a deep and lasting depression.
Eventually it passed. I barely felt a person anymore but it left me with one gift: renewed conviction to become free. To pick up and continue a decade long fight.
I didn’t ‘try to quit’ anymore after this but I started paying attention while I was in the deed. Trying to piece together the inner workings of this addiction. Really. I went into it. I thought deeply about it.
I went on like this for a time. I wasnt suffering anymore with it. But I couldn’t make progress either.
Until I did.
One day after just busting a nut, I snapped.
It was the second time I had masturbated that day. After all this time, all this struggle. my addiction to this was as strong as ever. It seemed ridiculously unfair. I was angry. Furious with myself.
So like this, finally, I had reached some sort of limit. It was the middle of the day, I went outside, walked to a local track. And i swore to myself I was going to walk in circles until I died. I literally screamed it at the sky.
Either that OR until I resolved my addiction to porn and masturbating forever. I was serious. More serious than I’ve ever been about anything.
(This is where my real story begins, is why I’m writing this now. It was difficult for me to write for a variety of reasons, but it is the truth)
I walked for hours. Mostly just getting my frustration worked out. Around 9pm it was getting dark. But I was finally calm. But nowhere near dead or cured. And I wouldn’t let myself quit. I was hungry sore and tired.
But i kept walking my laps. I started asking questions to myself. Not really verbalizing them but feeling them.
why? Why can’t I quit this? Why can’t I be free of this?
(This is where you might scoff. And i’d understand. try to read with an open mind)
a voice answered me. A beautiful voice. It said simply,
You are free. You can choose.
I almost lost my shit. I’ve never heard voices in my head before. But it didn’t exactly come from my head either. It felt like it came from above.
…
I was shocked/ confused for a bit, I didn’t know what to do or say. But eventually I responded…
“How can I choose?”
Again I heard a voice. It just repeated,
“You are free. You have always been free. You can choose.”
I started crying at this point. And I just said,
“I can’t.”
I didn’t feel like I could just choose to quit. That seemed utterly impossible to me. I was also freaking out. When things
Like this happen you don’t just go with it. It doesn’t seem real.
But what happened next scared me more than anything ever. More than almost driving off a cliff years ago when I dozed off driving.
The voice responded,
“Is that your choice”?
“NOOOO!” I screamed it in my soul. That’s not what I wanted. I felt like if I didn’t say no in that moment. I would be utterly lost.
The voice responded. “Then choose”.
It took me awhile but eventually I put the words together. And it was harder than it should have been.
“I choose to be free of this.”
I said it in my head. It was barely a whisper.
“Free of what?” It said.
It wanted me to be specfic I guess.
“I choose to let go of self pleasuring. ” I just thought it.
The voice just said, “Louder.”
I don’t know why but thinking it louder or saying it out loud at the time was nearly impossible. The words just wouldn’t come.
So i thought it again meekly.
The voice just said again,
“Louder.”
I was beginning to really struggle at this point. This was happening over a period of time and I still couldn’t quite believe it.
I also felt like an idiot too. Walking around a track going crazy… I just about left and went home.
It took a bit of digging and self pep talk. But I finally said it out loud.
“I choose to be free of pleasuring myself!”
This time the voice didn’t say anything back but I felt a powerful force pulling my gaze and head upwards. I had been hanging my head this whole time.
I felt like some holy and beautiful being was asking me to say…
“I choose to be free from tranny porn”
While looking it in the eye. Well I couldn’t do that. I had never been so embarrassed in my whole life. This was my secret. No one knew about my porn addiction. Especially not the details. So I wanted to escape.
To go back home to my lonely frustrated life just to avoid being honest and seen. By whatever this was.
And I almost did do that. I WANTED to turn my back on that moment of opportunity. And that disgusted me. I finally saw how weak I was. How disempowered I was. And that clarity pushed me on.
It took a ridiculous amount of courage for me. But finally, I looked up and I said the words.
It was the first time I looked at another being and said that truth. My heart expected rejection. But I got only love and acceptance.
And that very moment the dam broke. I had felt something in me loosening ever since I chose to start walking. But now it all came out.
All the darkness and shame just left.
Nothing but pure Freedom remained.
And I knew that I wasn’t a porn addict anymore. That I could not be one ever again.
That I would never again have to fight an urge to masturbate.
So I left the track. Whole for the first time in 16 years. And life began again for me.
…
Its been quite awhile since my day at the track. Im not counting the days that I’ve been free. I don’t consider them a streak. There’s no point either. Just like my premonition I’ve had no urges, my recovery has been completely effortless. To me now the only streak was 16 years of pmo. One that I’m so happy to be free of.
What happened to me is not important. Especially if stuff like that is not in your experience. It definitely wasn’t in mine, and hasn’t been since. So just disregarded it if thats the case
The lesson is very real though. And it’s why Im sharing this.
If you are struggling with porn addiction or any other addiction. I want you to know. I want you to ‘feel’ those words I did.
You can choose. You are free.
That is all. It is my only message. Those six words saved me. I hope, unlike me though, you will not need to go the lengths I did to find out just how true they are
Thank you for reading,
A healed human
LINK – Gaining freedom from 15 years of porn addiction
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