I frequently fantasized about suicide

My first exposure to pornography happened when I was around 9 years old, I received some comic books from my uncle titled Conan the Barbarian, who thought it was meant for children, but it was not. As I began to read through the story, explicit sex scenes were drawn of Conan and some ridiculously sexualized female. I was hooked the moment I saw it.

As a kid, I did not knew what was masturbation or erection, but I was strangely fascinated by those sex drawings for I kept staring at it all day. The book even had a color picture of a real-life bikini woman in the back cover, with whom I fantasized erotic dreams. That continued for a while, like 3 months. Then I lost those books, and that was done with.

Then another situation happened which I am still shy to talk about it. I know it’s shameful for me, but the thing was… I saw my Mom and Dad having sex with each other, 3 consecutive times. I would roll up in my bed, pretend I was asleep, and began to peer through my feigned closed eyes to them at night.

That changed me, I guess. Sex became a fascination and a big ‘life-goal’ for me after that. I fantasized about erotic dreams at night. Although I had internet connection in my house, I refrained from searching up lewd photos for fear of being found out because the desktop was in the living room.

Life began to change for me when I met with some buddies around my hometown when I was around 11 years old, who later became my most cherished friends. Living with them and enjoying life in the process made me change dramatically from who I was. I became more confident, I began speaking on stage on school projects, and as my skill grew, I began to deliver quality lectures in class. Life was good. I had friends who cared about me as I cared about them. We played sports and hung out every single day. Porn was not a thing in my life during those days. I still feel nostalgic about those days.

I then had high hopes for the future. And life went on… until my parents and myself moved away to an another hometown, and I had to say goodbye to buddies.

Into the Belly of the Beast

New hometown, new school. I was 14 years old. Although I missed my buddies, the future looked promising. I was confident of myself, I was active and took part in public speaking contests in my class, and life looked like it will go on improving.

But no. It did not. What followed for 6 years was horrors of the worst sort I wouldn’t wish for anyone I loved. Those 6 years can be defined in two words: pointless suffering. Here’s how it transpired.

Right after I moved to my new hometown, I received my own personal tablet device. As a boy who never had one’s own private device, I was excited like anything. I was into playing games and stuff. Little did I know that tablet would be my biggest curse later on.

I then happen to install a third-party app store from which we could get paid games for free. It had games, apps, and an another section titled Wallpapers. What was in there? Well, galleries of bikini-clad women. I was instantly hooked. They were so erotic for me I kept staring at them for hours. On school days, I used to stare at those erotic images for like 4-6 hours. On holidays, the number went up like 7-9 hours. Porn had once again caught hold of my mind, only this time it was much more firm (thanks to puberty).

3-5 months went by like that. Eventually, I noticed that these images don’t stimulate me anymore like it used to. I needed more erotic ones, especially nudes. And so I began searching for one on Google and I stumbled on a paid tube site. They had all these nude images as video thumbnails. I was high. Like I said, I did not knew what the heck was masturbation until I was like 15 years old. I stared at these nudes all day along.

Seeing pictures of vagina and lewd fingerings and all of that stuff made me about to vomit the first time. I was disgusted by those. But disgust turned into attraction as the devil messed up my mind.

But eventually my mind began to be numb to these nude images too. I wanted motion. I wanted videos. Welcome Pornhub. And I did find some overly sexual videos on Youtube. It was around this time I ejaculated the first time. Everything went downhill fast from that point onwards.

I began to lose interest in all things except porn. I began to be the shy kid I was in elementary school before. I kept silent to myself during class and would not talk with friends or discuss with teachers. I lost all my energy and boyish enthusiasm. Watching porn made me a simp.

All that I wanted was go home and watch porn. My buddies in class asked me why I was so silent. They initially took pity over me, but pity turned to irritation, then disgust.

I became insecure. I wanted attention. I acted in silly and foolish ways just to please others, and I was trampled all over as a result. I was a submissive boy. I did not assert for my needs. Resentment and anger seethed inside of me, but I was afraid to express those emotions for fear of being judged.​

A boy who once had like a million friends is now a lonely depressed simp.

The teachers noticed my reticence and inactive behavior and one of them finally called me over and asked me, “Why are you so silent? It is so unlike of you. What, is there anything troubling you at home?” I gave her some lame reasons of having some cold or something and that was that.

Ejaculating frequently and it’s resultant semen loss makes you a person no different from a castrated male. Have you seen a castrated bull? It is a pathetic complacent animal, satisfied only by the grass in front of him. He does not compete for status with his male herd and as a result, looks unattractive to his female counterparts.

I knew that porn took away so much time from me, that I should stop for it was affecting me adversely. I knew somehow in the back of my mind that my inactivity, less enthusiasm, depression, meekness, and anxiety was somehow related to my porn use. I tried and managed to stay sober for 3 days, but relapsed. Then I reached 7 days, but again in vain. It then seemed I could not cross the 7 day mark. I would eventually relapse somehow.

It was around this time that I stumbled on Gary Wilson’s website yourbrainonporn.com. Everything instantly made sense after reading his articles and viewing his presentations. I knew porn was the sole cause of my suffering.

But knowing something doesn’t necessarily make you act on that knowledge. I tried quitting for like so many many times but it always ended up in a humiliating relapse.

I began viewing women as sexual objects and not as humans. My view of sexuality and women began to distort. As a shy person, once again I was bullied and beaten. I was pushed around with impunity. I did not fight back. My self-hatred and resentment grew to boiling levels.

My porn addiction and the resultant desensitization of the brain became so messed up I began to fantasize about my classmates and masturbate to them. Filthy as the behavior was, I began conditioning myself to such acts.

With each ejaculation, I felt more and more weak. My skin looked dry and coarse, my eyes looked sunken, my posture drooped, my physicality looked weak. I was 16 and it was around this time I discovered bodybuilding. I gained a little muscle, but I found it hard to push myself after an ejaculation. My arms and legs would be weak after one porn session. I could always feel that weakness in my legs after a relapse, like my bones have become suddenly unable to bear my weight.

I had zero friends in my hometown. People around here would often comment on my parents that I am a homebrooder. I hated life. I frequently fantasized about suicide during those times. I would come home after school and lay down and cry on the floor or in bed. At night, I could not sleep. Every single relapse chipped away my confidence and my peace – and I found it hard to lay in bed without twisting and turning. I was super stressed and I would often walk to and fro at night in my room. It has been said that what you feel at night when when you lay down to sleep connotes the true condition of your life – are you at peace, knowing you’ve done your best for that day, or are you suffering thinking about the life you’ve failed to live and all the broken promises you made to yourself? I knew porn was the problem, but nothing I did worked to recover myself from this addiction without relapsing. Life was hell. Nothing I did worked.

No matter how many times I promised myself to quit porn by writing goals and signing my commitment, I failed every single time. The highest streak I had during those times was like 21 days or so. And this went on till I joined college.

I would imagine in my head what life would have looked like if I did not ever found porn or relapsed. I would fantasize so much I would lose sight of the reality around me. Did you ever see the movie ‘The Secret Life of Walter Mitty’, where Walter would often zone out and become engrossed in a fantasy world that is ever out of his reach in reality. I was EXACTLY like that. No wonder I was so depressed.

Brain fog was the worst. I would stutter in my speech, I could not speak coherently, snatching bits and pieces of words and jumbling it together. Others had a hard time understanding me. I would talk super fast out of nervousness and insecurity about who I am, resulting in omitted sounds/syllables. I could not remember faces of new people I meet after seeing them once or even twice to say. My memory and my brain was like SUPER slow. I could not think on my feet. Whenever someone brings up a topic in a conversation, I find it hard to keep the conversation going for nothing would conjure up in my brain. Only later on after the conversation has ended would I find myself with ideas on how I could’ve had a more meaningful conversation with the other person.

I had very low confidence in myself. I would often come home after school and cry. I acted like I was proud, but I had nothing in me really. I was just a loser.

People talk about self-improvement and all but if you have a porn problem, it becomes VERY difficult to follow through your daily goals/routines because of lack of motivation, little to no discipline thanks to prefrontal cortex erosion, physical fatigue, and just plain irritation and itchiness that occur right after a relapse.

I have lost so many weeks watching porn and lying around dazed and fatigued after relapsing. That I regret heavily.

I don’t know how, but one of my secondary school teacher even commented on me that “you should not have been like this. You had so much potential” That pained me. Like a lot. I was done with life.

The idea of suicide looked more and more enticing the deeper I went to misery. Around this time, I discovered Jordan B. Peterson’s book titled 12 Rules For Life, and that, I should say, was one PHENOMENAL book. I read it like it was some sort of sacred personal book. It helped me understand how to navigate through life the proper way.

Slaying the dragon and taking the gold

I knew that if I had any chance at life, it was only possible if I 100% quit porn from my life. I was hell-bent on discovering a solution. I read many books on recovery and scoured so many parts of the web…. until I stumbled upon a website that changed my life – norelapserecovery.com.

This, brothers and sisters, was the website that changed my life. I brought Ranin’s Ebook for $20 and his strategies on quitting porn was what saved me from that life of misery.

I am ever indebted to Ranin for changing my life. He too was a porn addict and his $20 Ebook was the STRATEGY I needed to change my life.

Just think about it! You don’t have to relapse anymore and recover once and for all from this porn addiction. Ranin even offers email consultation for free anonymously. He is pretty committed in helping you as much as he can.

I finally quit porn starting June 4, 2020 using the strategies he laid down in his Ebook.

I would always remember this date as my second birthday, and I would celebrate it every year. This is the date I decided to break free from the enervating chains of pornography addiction and become a real MAN, like when Pinocchio decided to leave his hedonistic and immoral life behind to become a ‘real boy’.

So, what were the benefits of quitting porn?

People get caught up in the physical and tangible benefits, but the BIGGEST benefit I had from this journey is the truth that I can be whoever I want to be without being stopped by the chains of porn. Just think about it! Something metaphysical changes about you as you break free from the chains of internet pornography. You’re free. You’ve left the suffering that is of the past. You’ve redempted yourself. You’ve become a man.

Your whole physical body changes as a result. Everything improves. You will become more confident as a result. You’ll look straight into the eyes of life and grab by its horns.

And that’s it. Buy the Ebook if you are having a hard time quitting porn lately and live life to the fullest. Remember, Mediocrity is a sin. Feel free to ask questions about my porn recovery.

“I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.”

–Jack London’s Credo, The Bulletin, San Francisco, California, December 2, 1916

Peace.​

LINK – Struggled for 6 years… finally free (148 Days!) – My advice to those who are suffering.

By Rick Grimes.