Life Background: I am a 55 year-old male and have been happily married since I was 21. We have almost always had a good sex life, even when the kids were little, and even after becoming empty nesters. I have been a porn viewer since my teens, and this has continued throughout the years. The use was for release a few times a week at most. Often much more though when on business trips and away from my wife.
Porn-free Background: I have stopped on and off many times over the years, the most probably being about 90 days. Then I edge back in, and over the course of several weeks find myself a user of porn many times a week. Mostly I get worked up and can go have fun with the wife, but if I get too worked up, I might have to masturbate, especially if the wife is not interested (say after 45-minute porn binge). When I traveled a lot… I used porn and masturbated a lot.
Porn Use Observations: Because of r/pornfree and other subs, Your Brain on Porn, and other websites, I have become more and more aware of how porn has been affecting me. All the stopping and starting has opened my eyes, as I can see how my perception of my wife, sex with my wife, and being around other women changes when I am using porn or not. It very disturbing that my view of reality can be colored without me deliberately thinking about it. When on porn, the features of a woman’s face, or her cleavage, legs, etc., all seem to be highlighted in my brain. While in a meeting, I might find myself admiring someone’s lips as they talk, instead of listening to what they say. Once off of porn for a while though, woman seem like normal humans… sometimes slobs, sometimes dressed nicely, some old, some young, but I can listen to them and watch them without objectifying and judging them. Not objectifying and judging woman seems impossible when I am using porn.
Porn-free Status: The reason I am writing is because I feel the need to confess my use of porn. I am too ashamed to write about it in my journal and have never really confessed to any friend how much I have used. I have also downplayed it as I do not use very much compared to much of what I have read here and in r/nofap and it has not been too meddlesome of a factor in my marriage. I need to ‘publicly’ admit it though, and needed to be a member of this to get me through 90 days and beyond… to help keep me honest… and I think I can help others with my journey, especially as it progresses. I have been coming here when I get the urge (I made that promise to myself before looking at porn again) and so far, every time I come here, I can keep myself from using.
Thanks: A hearty thanks to the moderators and others who understand the issues with porn use, its effects on society, and to help my journey be possible.
LINK- In 50’s and stopping again, report so far confession
by 7891ascs
Perception of women changes due to porn use.
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