I wasted so many years. I was homeschooled and had access since Kazaa(sp) and Limewire. Had no social life for years and avoided going out with family. I would spend an average of 5 hours a day. Tried to quit so many times. Looked back on journals I would write and would end them with a cross if I managed to avoid porn that day. I’m of Christian faith and the shame I felt was so intense. Every time I’d be done I felt so dizzy and like life around me wasn’t real. Every day my thoughts revolved around my vice. Then VR came out and it was game over. There were marks left around my face from the headset, constant reminder of my addiction. I’m a mother… I missed out on so much with my kids because of it. Time I can never get back.
When I was 17 I lost my virginity and was unable to climax, time and time again. There was no feeling but I never knew the difference. Only porn would help but eventually that wasn’t enough. I thought I was broken or had a hormonal imbalance. Convinced that maybe it’s because it’s harder for women. I was so wrong and I never made a correlation. Until now.
I am porn-free this whole 2021 and never thought it would happen. At first I had absolutely no libido, I felt dead, numb and damaged. So many times I would contemplate going back, telling myself, everyone does it! You can’t find an article on self pleasure without people recommending porn to “explore” your sexuality. But I was done. Seeing addiction in my spouse for alcohol made me realize the same habitual patterns, shame and denial in myself. It was like auto-pilot, the same pattern, thought process and ultimately the repeated behavior. How did I never see this before? At first I was pissed, why me? No one takes it seriously when it’s a girl addicted. Was told by my partner that I should be lucky I have such a “high sex drive” for a woman but upon stopping I realized that was a lie. I used porn to cope, to desensitize myself from heavy emotions and feelings. Much like my binge eating and obsession over every little random subject.
I don’t have a high sex drive I realized upon stopping. And time and time again I saw myself slowly walking into the same pattern and stepping back and realizing, what are you doing? Much like opening the fridge while intermittent fasting multiple times a day wondering why I’m doing it subconsciously. Who was I? Without it. I filled all my time surrounding this habit that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d sit on my bed just thinking, or better yet trying not to think about it. Who am I without it? I’ve never gotten this far. I quit weed because it led me to make bad decisions, unbeknownst to me til after the fact.
But here I am, uncharted territory. And guess what? I can finally climax within minutes with my partner. Something I thought impossible my entire life. The hold porn had over me was so intense and like second nature to me I had no idea the life outside of it. Fuck porn. I will no longer convince myself otherwise. I am re-wiring my mind and I’ve come this far to say, I will no longer be chained to that shit. Not now, not ever.
You’re here for the same reason, no matter where in your journey you are in. Stop lying to yourself, you don’t need it.
A temporary high with a lifelong sentence of shame and guilt. You don’t need it. No one does.
LINK – Addicted to porn since I was 11, finally seeing freedom at 33
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