Tldr; Fucked up childhood. When I started. My journey. How do I feel right now.Resources that help.
Firstly, I’d like to thank God for everything and helping me at every step of getting away from this addiction. And, to all the helpful people on this forum.
If you are reading this, first realize you are not alone on this journey. The world may seem like a sucky, depressing hell hole with no hope. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. If I can keep doing it then anyone can…..
It’s been more than 4 months since I have opened this website/forum.
I don’t like talking about myself. But I will try to in the hope that someone reads this, relates with it and gets energy to keep moving forward like I have done multiple times in the journey.
Somethings I want to list out before I begin:
- I have the same urges as an year ago. I am better at handling it.
- I am not a wizard with women. I respect myself.
My story is that I started fapping when I was 12. In my journey through it I got into some really weird stuff (it got so bad that I had seen incest, beastiliality and rape porn. This made my self respect go down the drain. As a kid I had anxiety, depression, overweight and various other emotional disorders and fapping was the panacea to it all. Some times once a day or sometimes thrice a day, whether at home, or a relatives place and even on a vacation depending on how many emotions I had to bury. I was a junkie looking for my fix to run away from all my problems. Weed and nicotine played smaller roles here as well.
I have realized this was because of the trauma I have faced in my childhood. Don’t get me wrong I had everything I ever asked for materialistically but I never had the time of my parents…I was never loved. I was always wanting to please and defend myself from other people because of this. This eventually led to a lot of sadness and overwhelming emotions which were buried alive by the dopamine rush of a self made orgasm.
In the year 2019, I was about to graduate, at this moment I had realized something had to change I could not go on living like this with no dreams no aspirations. I had heard about nofap before but never taken it seriously.
As I started reading all the posts on here I realized how much of this made sense to me. January 2019 was the day of my birthday I had cried most of the day due to my depression. I then went on a 71 day streak.
It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I relapsed and again for an year on and off I was fapping. During this time I was at my lowest of lows. I wanted to kill myself, I was doing drugs, smoking and drinking. Starting graduate school in a far away country with beautiful girls was the cherry on a cake for my sob story. I was a mess.. a messed up jealous, snobby and stupid individual on buffet of antidepressants.
On 25 April 2020, I had relapsed the day before and spent the entire day in hell.
I then threw away all my antidepressants, stopped smoking, promised to god that I would never to drugs again and asked for power on this journey. I connected with a couple of family member after a long time and their unconditional love and a listening ear were beneficial. Also I do therapy and I cannot stress how helpful that has been in clearing my mind up a little. Another good trick for you can be to delete all social media because it can usually trigger the addict part of your brain.
Now, I look at myself from an year ago and a little has changed but it has changed nevertheless. I don’t think of killing myself daily. Getting out of bed in the morning is not like climbing Mount Everest. I still have my lows but I get over them by supporting myself in these situations. Listen to this carefully…..
“On shitty as fuck days, just look back and be proud of yourself and how far you have come, that is the catalyst to push through in my life.”
If I can do it, sure as hell an awesome person like you can do it!
Some interesting articles I kept on reading:
–https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comm…_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body (close possibility of how your journey can be)
-https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/observations-after-700-days-of-nofap.266554/ (IMO greatest nofap words written on the internet)
–https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3810986/ (Scientific study on chipmunks and masturbation. Shows how beta masturbation makes you)
Books I recommend:
- Your brain on porn book
- Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking
- No more mr. nice guy
As of the day I write this I am getting better at the following:
- I have read more than 10 books in the last year
- I got an internship while studying which allowed me to pay for my own education
- I regularly exercise and have more muscle definition than ever
- Most importantly I have people in my life I can talk to and the most helpful ones are me and my god.
- I have been helping 2 other lads break free from this addiction
- And, approaching girls is starting to get better
I am not sure how to conclude this. I am a addict for all my life, I take this thing one day at a time. If you are reading this, you are not alone… this journey is very hard and that’s what makes it more beneficial. This is a great catalyst for you to achieve what you want in life.
LINK – 1 year and some change
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