I’m female. Usually I just fly under the radar as one of the lads but as this is slightly more personal I thought I’d give fair warning. I respect it can be triggering for some people.
To set the scene.
I started masturbating at 13/14. It coincided with losing my virginity by being raped. I used pornography from the start. It became habit fairly quick, lapsing into occasional obsessive periods even at that age (taking days off school in order to access porn, etc.) I had a very unhealthy and dangerous relationship with sex and masturbation for several years at far too young. I was damaged, didn’t understand it, and wasn’t at an age where I could comprehend the consequences. I was vulnerable to scummy people and it’s left me with some permanent emotional scars.
The masturbation habit continued for the next 10 years. I never had any periods of abstaining from masturbation and the pornography that I used became more and more hardcore as I got older, the internet evolved, and I got bored with types I’d already explored. This occasionally strayed into types that I am very ashamed of experiencing, and that were probably astonishingly damaging for a young mind.
Turning point.
Fast forward 8 years to a couple years back. I was 22. I was in a long term relationship with a compulsive masturbator/pornography consumer (not my first, sadly, but the first time I’d really noted it’s impact). At this point I had controlled my masturbation and porn use to a habitual but not overly corrosive level. I had never had a healthy sexual relationship. I had picked up some other unhealthy habits along the way and had generally been fading in and out of being a trainwreck for most of my teenage years and young adulthood. I decided I needed to draw a line.
I decided to abstain from pornography for reasons:
- I wanted to connect with my OH sexually on a deeper level. We were in a LDR and saw each other one month out of every four. We started with no porn/no masturbation when we were physically together. I decided to take it further. I wanted to focus my sexual energy on my OH and nothing else.
- I wanted to know if my kinks and gender issues were because kinks and gender issues or because years of pornography.
- I wanted to stop polluting my mind. I wanted to cleanse. I wanted to heal from the years of abuse.
The result was probably my first time in my life I’ve ever had a fairly healthy relationship with sex and masturbation. It has now been 1 year and 5 months and 4 days since I last consumed porn.
This became a catalyst for wanting to live a better, happier, healthier life. I began to quit other unhealthy habits. I quit smoking (1 year 4 months and 24 days). I started eating a healthy diet and exercising (1 year 1 month 14 days). I stopped self harming, and pursued a healthy mind (5 months 11 days). I got sober (4 months 5 days).
Present day.
I’m 24. My final vice was masturbation. I began with my longest streak in ten years being: one~ month hard mode (unintentional)/three months standard challenge. I had been weakly struggling at the 3 day mark. Then the 7 day mark. For a couple years. I can now proudly say my longest streak is 3 months 24 days. Hard mode.
On relapsing.
I still abstained from porn so I am still 1 year 5 months and 4 days porn free. I just moved back to dorms after 6 months at home working and I think it was the combination of too much free time (semester hasn’t started yet) and a lock on my door (no chance of being disturbed) and crushing insomnia and getting that itchy feeling. The act itself was disappointing AF and over very quickly. It didn’t help me sleep. The only benefit was that popped spot relief feeling which is going to be hella temporary. 0/10 would not recommend.
On goals.
My aim was 90 days and I made it 115. I was competing in the NY 1,000$ charity challenge (What happened to that, btw. Seems like OP peaced out??). But by the time 90 days rolled around it was just the same as “I don’t drink”, “I don’t watch porn”… “I don’t masturbate” so I just carried on. Starting out I had two goals:
- The main aim was to erase some of the filth from my mind. I felt although stopping the use of pornography had stopped the stream of pollution, every time I masturbated the filth was coming to the surface. I wanted to give my mind a 90 day detox. I wanted to replace recalling pornography scenes with my imagination or memories instead. This did begin happening. After about a month I started having dreams with entirely imaginary scenarios untainted by porn. However as soon as I relapsed my brain slummed back to porn scenes straight away. Disappointing.
- For the first year I had abstained from porn I had my relationship as a crutch. Embarking into my second year no porn I was no longer in a relationship and no longer had that go-to relationship masturbation material as a replacement. In fact, well, that go-to material made me really sad. Masturbation started making me really sad. Although my relationship had helped with quitting porn by giving me something to divert my sexual energy towards, it had hindered quitting masturbation because it was a LDR. So I felt this was my opportunity for a proper committed cleanse — including coming to peace with the end of my relationship. I would say this side of it has 80% worked.
Moving forward.
I am going to continue on my journey. I am going to keep not smoking, not drinking, not consuming porn, exercising and eating healthy and focussing on a healthy mind for the foreseeable future. I am going to embrace being single and free for the longest time in my life since I was old enough to give a shit (5 months now, and counting). I am not going to pursue another relationship or dating until I am healthier. I have 2 and a half years left of my degree and I am going to study like fuck. I am going to horse ride like fuck. I am going to yoga like fuck. I am going to gig like fuck. I am going to do all the things that make me fucking happy, like fuck. I am going to not masturbate like fuck until I have a healthy relationship with masturbation. I’m not quite there yet.
Peace out, homies. Keep fighting the good fight.
LINK – A personal record. Relapse/115 days sans fap/522 days sans porn: A ♀ review.
by celicityjf
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