Well boys, I did it. The proverbial 90 day reboot has made sex more enjoyable. My challenge to self to quit porn. I’m now on 91 days. Just to get it out of the way I only quit porn. I am not in a steady relationship.I am recently out of a relationship and dating again. This has been a major adjustment after a 6 year LTR. However, I still had sex during these three months, a handful of times with 4 different people.
Sex is more enjoyable
I think the no porn has helped me tremendously with having more drive in a lot of things. Including my drive to meet women. Also, I was unable to enjoy sex as much before quitting and after quitting not only is sex more enjoyable. I’m able to do things sexually that I was unable to do for a long time. Sex is more enjoyable in various positions, and I can climax faster. One thing that I never was able to do before which was to climax with someone on a first date. There is increased member sensitivity and girth.
I now able to M to O without looking at P, which was something I didn’t think I could do. Which haven’t been able to do that since teen years. I am 41 now. Delayed ejaculation is something I have always had, which I think is exacerbated and maybe caused by porn use.
Can we add an acronym PIDE to go with PIED? PIDE differs from ED because staying hard is not the problem but climaxing becomes hard to achieve. You become used to edging yourself and the specificity of porn. I think the vividness of porn desensitizes you physically and mentally. This creates an addictive dopamine chasing habit of chronic masturbating. When you choose visual stimulation for masturbation you are training yourself to be dependent on that. When you later remove it, you find you can’t even masturbate without it. Positions and speeds that are pleasure effective become ingrained in your neural network and eventually you cant enjoy variety. This sucks, it feels like you are becoming limited instead of growing as a sexual being. It also bores your partner and makes them feel insecure.
Porn addiction is like other addictions
I am aware that there are arguments about whether or not porn and sex are neurologically akin to drugs, I don’t claim to know the science on this, but it is scientifically sound and i can attest from experience that any pleasurable activity can form into a habit, and no matter what that thing is the amount of pleasure you get from it decreases with frequency. That is similar to drugs and food addiction. It’s why people seek more and with more frequency to achieve the same rewards, this is basic dopamine science.
So porn doesn’t have to activate the same neural pathways as crack to be addictive. It was proven that falling in love does activate the brain in the same way as crack. Sex addiction, love addiction and porn addiction are not exactly interchangeable. However, one can fall into the other when one or the other is unavailable. If you lose access to your addiction then you will be likely to replace it with something else. Alcoholics become sugar toothy after quitting for instance.
Before quitting porn and alcohol I did spend several months weaning myself off. I would suggest doing that. If you are still having “relapses” maybe it’s easier to reframe it as a weaning off period. That is before you are just permanently quit.
Waves of anhedonia
Since I quit I have not had strong cravings for anything, but I am a depressive person I have definitely felt waves of anhedonia. Awareness of what anhedonia is helps to not succumb to a relapse just to get rid of it for like a half hour. There is no way out of anhedonia except for time, maybe some breathing exercises, a cold shower, working out hard, or perhaps a lot of chocolate which triggers oxytocin. At that point we are back into substances as coping mechanisms, which is not helping you long term. But i admit to consciously using chocolate to temper my withdrawal symptoms from stronger vices. I just have to remember not to get addicted to chocolate too. My age also contributes to an ability to stave off urges, because of the slight decrease of libido that comes naturally, so I really applaud the younger gents for being able to do any NoFap challenges. It would’ve been super hard for me to do as a single young guy.
Not out of the woods
In the title I say I’m not out of the woods, Three months is not that long and I can see this as a small victory. Though I have been successful in quitting porn, drinking, weed, nail biting, and gained healthy habits like daily vitamins, workouts, stretches, meditations and study sessions, I still have emotional problems. I still feel anhedonia at times, and I still beat myself up. I will always have high expectations for myself but, I hope to become the master of my domain in terms of moods as well as habits. Less codependent. More attractive and valuable as someone who is balanced.
One of the dates I had recently completely derailed me, because the sex was more enjoyable and amazing, I got super attached and clingy in the following week and totally scared her off. Plans we had for a second date poofed into thin air, because I was not cool enough and bungled the texting.
I went through a rollercoaster of emotion that could’ve been avoided if I wasn’t so insecure. Luckily, I didn’t relapse into unhealthy coping mechanisms, except for the base level one that is the trigger to use vices, which is overthinking, global thinking, and lack of perspective, fear of the unknown. I lost sight of her feelings and space because I obsessively wanted to know the unknown, what her feelings were for me so i could be validated and assuage my fear and self doubt after the first date.
The hurt child in my psyche
I’m not tying this to porn as a cause, but rather porn and other vices were my coping mechanisms for the part of me that indulges in fear, the pain of deep seated self esteem issues that stem from a nomadic lonely childhood, times when I was extremely isolated, often bullied, rejected, and had years of depression and confusion about people into my adulthood.
We all have these hurt children inside of our psyche that cry out for attention and we shovel chemicals on top of them to drown them out. Its like giving your inner child a pacifier but not changing the dirty diaper. Once we remove those vices we can start to listen to ourselves, as painful as that may be. Then we can assuage our fears through self reassurance, self compassion, and healthier habits that make us strong enough that the fears can’t run the show.
I’m obviously still working on this, but as i stay committed to growth, i find more confidence slowly forming. The next time i meet someone I like maybe I will get to that second date. Live and learn, and get up to try again another day.
The importance of connection
Lack of social connection is probably the main reason for addictions. The vices we indulge in are hacks for satiety of a natural chemical dependency that is there to make us bond and continue the species. Everyone needs social connection and intimacy, and our modern age is rebuilding the entire structure of culture and economy around profiting from instant gratification. Companies offer us instant gratification that chemically absolves us of the more difficult task of forming social bonds. We are not only handing over our money to these companies but our time and our social real estate. The more we allow it the more we become petulant children that can’t make decisions or stomach any process to get what we want.
Porn satiates you in a blanket of not needing people. People hurt me so i find a way to not need them, I cut to the chase to the end result of the whole journey of making friends, gaining social proof, impressing a woman and having intimacy, and just satiate myself with a vivid hallucination of sex. You have to trust, you have to try.
Optimistic about the future
I am optimistic that in my next 90 days of discipline and self mastery I am free of bouts of anhedonia, I can recover faster from disappointments, manage my time better and make difficult decisions about my life path with more conviction. I’ve spent all the time i would have been looking at porn watching videos about neuroscience. The study of depression, raising my vibration, the benefits of meditation, zen Buddhism, and many other topics that help me to reinforce my ability to stave off feelings of hopelessness that come from having been so dissociative and depressive. As a result, not only is sex more enjoyable I feel I am already deepening connections with people I care about and making new connections. That is my ultimate goal, to be integral in this world, to give and receive love infinitely.
Prosperity.
LINK – 90 day reboot complete, but I’m not out of the woods.
By – u/wervil
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