I never thought I would hit this number. Its been an interesting experience. I have had some really close calls, lost a starting relationship basically due to porn ED (see previous post if curious) and learned a lot about myself and what I need to continue staying clean. I have a nightly devotional (I am christian) that I read, my phone notifies me 5 times a day with scripture and I have trained myself to start singing (in my head) a worship song if I feel tempted.
The biggest thing I have learned from these past 100 days is, that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I have to be prepared to fight a relapse EVERY DAY, and so do you! Don’t get comfortable with your success. I have also learned that I put girls on a pedestal. I see almost any woman that shares a mutual attraction with me as “perfect” because I am not. Like she is going to/could save me. I push for physical interaction in an attempt to be normal when really, physical interaction with a female just isn’t as stimulating as porn for my brain right now (again, see my last post for info). I need to be patient, alert and be myself, my real self and not that shadow that likes to PMO.
Deep down I know a woman will one day love me, support me and accept me but I can’t expect “her” to be the next girl I take on a date. When its right, it will happen and until then, I should find join in the rest of my life and not stress it. My brain is still reseting, as a result of this I need to continue to be vigilant in my defense and aggressive in my attitude towards what I allow myself to see. I have begun to change not only where I go online but what movies/shows I watch and what music I listen too. If I am not at the gym, I am not listening to anything intense, depressing, aggressive or dark.
Final thought; The first couple of days are the worst, they really are! push through them with all the will power you can muster. Get a friend you can rely on and share your struggle! Its helped me immensely to have a friend I can stay honest with. Don’t believe your own lies! You know the ones. Its worth it to start dating! You are worth dating! Find someone you like, pluck up the courage and go out for some casual fun. Even though my last 3 week relationship failed, it felt amazing to have a female want my company!
LINK – 100 days clean…..wow (a reflection).
by odstane
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