[Day 28] I’ve always had porn in my life in one form or another off and on down through years. I never really thought I had a serious problem with it. It if was around, I would view it. But for some strange reason, I just liked watching other people have sex. I think in my tiny “Homer Simpson” sized brain, I rationalized that I need to see what others were doing to make sure I knew what I was doing. How lame is that?
My problem really escalated about 18 months ago when we got high speed internet. Before, I would just view pictures, movies and clips were out of the question because I did not have the patience to wait while they downloaded. But now with high speed internet, pictures were not enough. I could view video clips and movies almost instantly on my screen. Almost every day I would go to my “favorite” sites and watch a few clips each day. Sometimes I would even binge for hours on end just watching clip after clip after clip. I noticed that I would do that every time I usually felt depressed about life, work; when things were not going right for me; or when I was angry.
Well, as a result of my constant internet porn escapades, I noticed a major change in my own personal sex life with my wife. For about the last 12 months I noticed that I was struggling with ED. I had never had a problem before. In fact, I’m pretty healthy – I run 12-20 miles a week, do some yoga and light weights. I thought, “Oh no! I need to go to the doctor and get some viagra. I don’t want to do that!” I mean, I could not get an erection half the time. Then when I did get an erection, it would quickly fade away. My wife was always very kind and supportive and would say, “That’s alright. Don’t worry about it.” But I did worry about it. I thought for sure my sex life was pretty much over. I should also add, that my ED problems were not just related to my wife, but more importantly I noticed that I experienced ED whenever I tried to M to video clips. I usually never got an erection while viewing porn clips or movies. Something was wrong with me. But I didn’t know what at the time.
Then on Tuesday – as I was on my way to visit once again one of my “favorite” porn sites, I some how came across the title “Your Brain on Porn”. I clicked the link and shazam!! There I was, instead of watching people have sex, I was going through the Your Brain on Porn video series. Then I started reading many of the articles and post there. A whole new understanding of sex and porn opened up to me.
It was then that I began to put two and two together. Could my ED problems be linked to my habitual internet porn viewing? That day I decided, after having read some success stories that I would quit viewing porn cold turkey. I had tried quitting before in the past, with some minor success, but always came back. But it was the fact that I wanted my own life back and my own sex life with my wife back that really made me determined this time around.
For me the first few days were really tough. Every day, as I went through my routine, and it came the time (which was usually always the same time of day for me) to go view porn clips, instead of doing that, I made it my job to go and visit Yourbrainonporn.com and read new post, many times even re-reading old post to remind me that, “Yes, you can do this. You must do this. You will do this!” After spending 30-60 minutes reading, that was usually enough to motivate me onwards to not give up or give in.
So today I was ready to post and tell you that I am 30 days without PMO. But I failed. I’m 30 days no PM. Are you ready for this? Are you sitting down? Because last night I had sex with my wife for the first time since starting this program of no PMO. It was not planned. She initiated it. And get this … drum roll please … no ED problems!!! If this were Christmas time I would say that it was a “Christmas miracle!” At first I did not get an erection. But after reading all that I had read about , I thought to myself, “If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t it doesn’t.” I decided to take my time, enjoy my wife’s embrace, kisses, etc. I tried to remember as much as I could about Karezza and I think it helped. But I did orgasm. So did she. And my erection did not go limp at all. It stayed firm and hard. Over the last year, this never happened. The good news too: Instead of 10 minutes of “Wham and Bam” … our session of love last about 45-50 minutes. This was by far the best sex I have had in the last 12 months. At the end, my wife asked me, “What got into you?” That is when I told her about karezza sex. She wants to read about now herself. Yeah!!
For me personally, I can clearly see how internet porn has warped my view of real, god-given, genuine sex and love between a man and a woman. Even before last nights great sex with my spouse, even if we had not had sex, I was really starting to feel so much better about myself as a person. I got more work done. I spent more time with my wife, doing things with her around the house – not wanting or looking forward to when can I go to the computer and watch porn. Dropping porn from your life is so freeing!!! These past 30 days have been challenging, but also very educational and very freeing.
[Day 50] Well, today marks 50 days of PM Freedom. Unbelievable, no Porn or Masturbation at all!! I have orgasmed 3 times, but that was while making love with my wife.
Today marks the 3rd time my wife and I have “tried” Karezza. Each time I think we’re getting “better” at it, whatever “better” means. I think it is one of those learn as you go processes. Being 53 and 51, we’re finding that “Old Farts” (don’t tell my wife I said that) can learn new tricks, but old habits can be difficult to break – such as the desire to want to orgasm, or thinking that we need to orgasm to fully experience the “Joy of Sex”. So we both had an orgasm today.
We are really enjoying the process of relearning and enjoying each other’s bodies. When I was entangled with viewing porn, I failed to see the beauty of my wife’s body because I was erroneously comparing her to the manufactured bodies of these women in the porn industry.
This afternoon we again just took our time and enjoyed each other’s caresses and kisses. Concerning my ED problems of the past – Thanks to being PM free for 50 days, I was able to maintain my erection throughout our 35-40 minutes session. It was not completely hard the whole time, but would “come and go” throughout our time together. In my pre-PMO days over the last 18 months or so, it was extremely difficult to at times get an erection, and if I did, it was very difficult to maintain an erection.
I know having sex “only” 3 times over the last 50 days probably doesn’t sound like much, but the quality of our lovemaking has tremendously improved. I think we both want more intimacy, but we need to work on finding balance between work and rest, so we can make the time to enjoy each other.
Being PM free for 50 days is great – but I am not going to take anything for granted. Every once in a while I’ll hear that little voice inside my head say, “It’s ok. It’s been 50 days. Go ahead and take a peek. No one will know.” But after spending time at YBOP and Reuniting, and learning all about the brain and how it works in relationship to viewing porn, I have such a new PEACE of mind that I can’t even begin to describe it. Not only do I have peace in my life. I’m more productive at work and at home. I can’t believe the number of hours I wasted watching that stupid stuff. I have worked to hard over the last 50 days to throw it all away. Too much at stake here for me. I don’t want to go back to my old ways.
Day 30 I am a 53 y/o man. I’ve always had porn in my life in one form or another off and on down through years. I never really thought I had a serious problem with it. It if was around, I would view it. But for some strange reason, I just liked watching other people have sex. I think in my tiny “Homer Simpson” sized brain, I rationalized that I need to see what others were doing to make sure I knew what I was doing. How lame is that?
My problem really escalated about 18 months ago when we got high speed internet. Before, I would just view pictures.Movies and clips were out of the question because I did not have the patience to wait while they downloaded. But now with highspeed internet, pictures were not enough. I could view video clips and movies almost instantly on my screen. Almost every day I would go to my “favorite” sites and watch a few clips each day. Sometimes I would even binge for hours on end just watching clip after clip after clip. I noticed that I would do that every time I usually felt depressed about life, work; when things were not going right for me; or when I was angry.
Well, as a result of my constant internet porn escapades, I noticed a major change in my own personal sex life with my wife. For about the last 12 months I noticed that I was struggling with ED. I had never had a problem before. In fact, I’m pretty healthy – I run 12-20 miles a week, do some yoga and light weights. I thought, “Oh no! I need to go to the doctor and get some viagra. I don’t want to do that!” I mean, I could not get an erection half the time. Then when I did get an erection, it would quickly fade away. I think my premature-ejaculation problems were a combination of being porn-induced and anxiety. When I was having my ED problems, I was always anxious and worried about getting and maintaining an erection. When I did get one, it didn’t last long – either through “rapid fire” stimulation or for psychological reasons, “Please stay hard, please stay hard …etc.” And then bam.
My wife was always very kind and supportive and would say, “That’s alright. Don’t worry about it.” But I did worry about it. I thought for sure my sex life was pretty much over. I should also add, that I noticed that I experienced ED whenever I tried to M to video clips. I usually never got an erection while viewing porn clips or movies. Something was wrong with me. But I didn’t know what at the time.
Then, as I was on my way to visit once again one of my “favorite” porn sites, I somehow came across the title “Your Brain on Porn.” I clicked the link and shazam!! Here I was. Instead of watching people have sex, I was going through the “Your Brain on Porn video series.” Then I started reading many of the articles and posts. A whole new understanding of sex and porn opened up to me.
It was then that I began to put two and two together. Could my performance problems be linked to my habitual internet porn viewing? That day I decided, after having read some success stories that I would quit viewing porn cold turkey. I had tried quitting before in the past, with some minor success, but always came back. But it was the fact that I wanted my own life back and my own sex life with my wife back that really made me determined this time around.
For me the first few days were really tough. Every day, as I went through my routine, and it came the time (which was usually always the same time of day for me) to go view porn clips, instead of doing that, I made it my job to go and visit this site and read new posts, many times even re-reading old post. I did it to remind myself that, “Yes, you can do this. You must do this. You will do this!” After spending 30-60 minutes reading, that was usually enough to motivate me onwards to not give up or give in.
So today I was ready to post and tell you that I am 30 days without PMO. But I failed. I’m 30 days no PM. Are you ready for this? Are you sitting down? Because last night I had sex with my wife for the first time since starting this program of no PMO. It was not planned. She initiated it. And get this … drum roll please … no ED problems!!! If this were Christmas time I would say that it was a “Christmas miracle!” At first I did not get an erection. But after reading all that I had read about karezza, I thought to myself, “If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t it doesn’t.” I decided to take my time, enjoy my wife’s embrace, kisses, etc.
I tried to remember as much as I could about karezza and I think it helped. But I did orgasm. So did she. And my erection did not go limp at all. It stayed firm and hard. Over the last year, this never happened. The good news too: Instead of 10 minutes of “Wham and Bam” … our session of love last about 45-50 minutes. This was by far the best sex I have had in the last 12 months. At the end, my wife asked me, “What got into you?” That is when I told her about karezza sex. She wants to read about it now herself. Yeah!!
For me personally, I can clearly see how internet porn has warped my view of real, god-given, genuine sex and love between a man and a woman. Even before last nights great sex with my spouse, even if we had not had sex, I was really starting to feel so much better about myself as a person. I got more work done. I spent more time with my wife, doing things with her around the house – not wanting or looking forward to when can I go to the computer and watch porn. Dropping porn from your life is so freeing!!! These past 30 days have been challenging, but also very educational and very freeing.
Day 101 Today marks Day 101 for me being PM free!! (not bad for a 53 y/o geezer). I can’t believe that I have made it this far. In the past I was lucky if I made it 2, 3, 7 or 10 days at best. I think I’ve had more relapses than the government has deficit spending problems.
Even with 101 days under my belt, I have to admit there have been a few times when the temptation to want to go view porn clips has crept back into my life. Early on, when I started, it was tough. It’s always been tough whenever I first started out.
But after about 3 weeks, things got better. It got easier to “just say no!” to porn. Then, all of a sudden, as I would be on cruise control in my recovery – BAM!!! – I would be hit with this strong desire to want to watch porn. This would usually happen when I would wake up in the morning. For some strange reason, I would start recalling a “favorite” clip from some porn clip memories of the past. I noticed that if I started thinking on, and entertaining, those thoughts the urge would get stronger. These types of occurrences happened to me around Day 50ish and Day 70ish. Can’t remember exact days. I think the one thing that saved me was I would get up and go run, or go do yoga and weights. Every time I did that the urge went away.
Just recently the urge to want to view porn hit me hard again on Day 97-98. Not sure why this happened. This time it happened while I was at work. No real reason. Nothing triggered it that I can recall.
Here are some things that I think have really helped me win this PM battle so far:
1. Blogging at www.reuniting.com, along with reading blogs and encouraging others on their journeys has been a way for me to express myself and perhaps help someone else. This is therapy for me.
2. Personal Journaling – for me this takes on the spiritual aspect of my life. Prayer, meditation, getting connected with God. Expressing in written form my struggles, challenges, and goals of where I want to be, and the kind of person I want to be.
3. Watching the videos and reading everything here. Going back daily and either re-watching the videos or re-reading articles. (In fact, It’s been about a month – so I need to go back and do a refresher course again).
4. Exercise – Running, yoga, light weights (3-5 times a week)
5. Diet – not fads or programs, just eating healthier and in moderation. I’ve actually lost 12 lbs this way over these last 101 days. Need to lose about another 15.
6. Karezza – my wife and I are still experimenting with karezza. For us it is still a “work” in progress. We enjoy the bonding and cuddling, although we are still having a difficult time skipping the orgasm. But I think that will happen with time.
7. ED Problems – At the beginning I had ED problems. I’m convinced it was because of internet porn addiction. I can say, that even though my erections are not “rock solid” – they are a lot firmer and I am not experiencing premature ejaculation.
I think part of my success here is that I have taken the info that I have been given, and I decided that after 40+ years of porn – the last 18 month being the worse by far because of high speed internet – that if I didn’t get a grip on this addiction now, I might never, ever do it in my life. I’ve had this inner tenacity that just will not give up or give in. And I know I need to keep up that kind of tenacity or I could relapse at any time.
Day 120 I have streaks of going gang busters with no problems at all. Then every once in a while, I will feel an urge to want to go look at porn. The good news is, I have been able to identify when those urges come on. It usually always happens when I am under a great deal of stress from work. Then I feel like I need to “escape” my stress. In the past, that has always been with a binge of marathon porn viewing. Now that I know how the brain works, especially my brain, I am more consciously aware of what I need to do.
Now, when stress comes to me and I feel this urge to “escape” my pain – everything / anything else becomes a priority to me – turn off the computer, go exercise, take a walk, move to another project that is not computer related, get busy on a honey do list project, anything just to get away. Sometimes I will start writing in my journal and start writing about how I am feeling at that time – this helps me a great deal. Usually after about 30-60 minutes away from the computer, I am able to get a grip on my stress and refocus.
When it comes to my battle with porn (and I have a 40+ year history), I find that as I am winning this battle for the first time ever in my life, I realize that I am still at war with it. I will probably be at war with it for quite some time. But with each passing day, I also see that I am getting stronger mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Porn no longer has me in it’s power. The only time it will ever have me in its power is when I decided to surrender to it.
I write this not to “brag” about my success … because it is really is nothing to brag about as I still am working on winning this battle. I write to encourage you all. It can be done!! You can make it!! If a joker like me can make it this far – then smart, strong willed and determined young men like yourselves can make it as well.
Another thing – my ED problems are pretty much all gone. And thanks to Karezza, I found something far better than just conventional “wham-bam-thank you ma’am” sex that porn leads us to believe is “real” sex.
Day 150
(In response to question) The only spontaneous erections that I get are when I am “playing” with my wife. Prior to my reboot, and because of my PM addiction, it was very difficult for me to get any kind of erection when I was with her – ED related to porn. Now I am having no problem at all, which is major improvement for me, and I am able to keep my erections.
Do I get erections when I see other women? No. Why? Whenever I do see a very attractive woman, I no longer look at her as sex object wondering in my mind what she would be like in bed. Porn did that to me. Women just became body parts to me and not real people. So if I do see an attractive women, I admire her beauty for a moment, but immediately look away and focus in on something else – besides lust – I save that for my wife.
If you’re a single guy, I can see where you would be more interested in seeing more spontaneous erections whenever you see other women. For me that is not important. What is important to me is that my erections are back for the one I love. And they are.
by pcb
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