PMO had become such a devastating addiction in my life. I had avoided most of the experiences and struggles that we all have to go through in our adolescence, by channeling all my needs to Porn.
Porn was part of my life before and during my first orgasm, and I am not going to lie to you: it felt amazing. So amazing that it became a routine that would last for nearly a decade. As soon as everyone was asleep, almost irrationally I would lock the door, close the windows, turn the light off, open up a browser. I was in another world. From that point on, I would be lulled into a magic place of clicks, pauses, URLs, plays, downloading, replay, streaming, pleasure, clearing and deleting cache and internet history. I would leave no trace.
My addiction became worse in the last 5 years. That is where fetish comes into play. Sure I would click in lots of stuff, and sometimes it was very good. In very rare occasions though, I would hit a GOLDMINE. I felt like it could not get better than that. I was a slave to it. I needed more and more. These addictions started to get so sick that I got to a point where the nastier it was, the better I felt. Pleasure was quickly intertwined only with what I saw on screen.
Meanwhile, a voice deep inside of me knew that I had to do something about it, and I had to experience reality. I started asking girls out and tried to score. Eventually, I got to the point where I was about to get laid for the first time, but right when we were about to have sex, I couldn’t get it up. I felt so embarrassed and sad. I even came to the really dumb conclusion that I had to practice and I ended up losing my virginity with a prostitute.
I was mildly happy about it, but that feeling didn’t last long. ED kept happening with 4 other girls. I was very upset and increasing PMO because of that. There was even a time where a workmate found me crying in the restrooms at work. I realized that porn made me so emotionally weak in real life situations that I could not perform. I realized the damage I had done to myself due to extreme porn abuse. That was rock bottom for me and I was alone. I did not have the courage to ask friends for help. It was just too embarrassing.
That is when I found Nofap. I felt safe to talk about my issues here, and with the help of the community, I decided to take the challenge. I relapsed a lot in the beginning, but with a few more attempts and a broken heart from the former failing relationships, I managed to get 142 days without porn (hard mode, of course). Although I relapsed, I built up the courage to tell my best friend about all of it. And that was a huge step forward. It felt great to talk about my issues with somebody who knew me.
A little after that, I met a girl and we started to date, and I was confident for the first time. One day, I was driving her to her house and we started to kiss inside the car. We jumped to the back seat and things started to get interesting. I thought I was finally going to perform… But I didn’t. In a matter of seconds, the courage that I had built up started to shatter. That is when I decided to do something different. Instead of making up an excuse like I did with the other girls, I decided to go ALL IN: I told her about my problems and my struggles. She understood and kindly invited me to her house. I accepted and stayed there for a couple of hours talking. She was very caring and helpful and told me things that I will never forget. She told me not to worry and that there was no hurry whatsoever. She said she would help me out, no matter how long it took, no matter how many attempts. That was game changing.
Fast forward a couple of weeks, I asked her if she wants to be my girlfriend. She accepts it and for the first time, I am officially dating for the first time! We have been together for almost a year now, and things could not be any better. I ended up curing ED and we get along really well. Life once again feels limitless and full of possibilities. 🙂
I still haven’t banned porn from my life. It is still something I try to work on, but I don’t feel obsessed over it, and it feels incomplete compared to the REAL deal. I guess that is because sex is not all about sex. It took me a while to figure out this is true.
LINK – 10 years of Porn Addiction, 5 years of ED, 4 relationships ruined. And how I managed to get over it.
by raszio
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