5th grade: masturbation became a regular thing, which is also when anxiety and awkwardness began. I had yet to discover porn, but I would fantasize of girls and women I found attractive.
6th grade: the dying of innocence began. One day on the walk home from school, one of my friends told me he was going to another friend’s house to watch porn. To this point I had never watched porn, didn’t even really no what it was. Watching it for the first time was like some other kind of experience. Conveniently that same year I had gotten my own laptop, so I dove head first into it myself. This 6th grade year I didn’t really know who I was yet. I was awkward and stupid. I had gotten beat up, I had no confidence couldn’t defend myself. I was called fat, even though I was just a little chubby. I hated life. My friends would date girls and I would just stand there awkwardly, wanting to talk to them but just not quite being able to. Instead I would go home and PMO. Sad start to middle school. This never even once occurred to me that it could be a problem, how could something so good be so bad?
7th grade: While I began to improve myself, I could always revert back to PMO. I loved it. I’d do it at friend’s house, watch open with friends. It wasn’t a full blown problem yet, but I was still never talking to any girls. While I had friends, that was about it. Sad thing is I barely remember these years. I believe partially due to PMO. The summer, going into 8th grade I had discovered omegle and Skype.
8th Grade: Things Were GOOD!!! I liked 8th grade. But looking back on it, I was just trying to fit in. People seemed to like me. I experimented with drugs for the first time. And I even have memories of watching porn with another one of my friends. I stil pmod a lot. Porn began to seem less exciting. As I mentioned I indulged in Omegle, unfortunately I typically was with men on omegle but I wanted to be with girls as I am straight but the dopamine was just releasing so much. I began to wrestle which straightened me out as far as no more pot. But it was still the same old pattern. This summer I actually had my first kiss during spin the bottle. I had also had my first very small relationship, she broke my heart which sent me into a mini spiral. I was depressed for a few days didn’t even want to PMO. But I recall one week I spent with my friends down the beach. We all agreed no jerking off while down there. I didn’t know this at the time but I was definitely having withdrawals. Crying, mood swings, also sleep deprivation which didn’t help. I jerked off in the shower and suddenly life got better! Not to much better but at the time yeah.
9th grade: The beginning of the end. This summer I had PMO’d an extreme amount. But I also had friends who I would go party with, I started staying up till like 6 sleeping till 4. I would PMO then go party with my “friends” drink and never talk to girls ever, they would I just sat there. And If I did, not much happened. I was still into wrestling, even a couple times thinking maybe I should quit PMO. But nah no way that was stupid. I had to right! It’s great! I was bullied this year to always constantly afraid to fight. This year was such a mess, similar to 6th grade. At the end the PMO got less extreme, still jerking off but more like once a day. I had studied a lot to pass my algebra class. At the end I did pass. But during the summer I stayed in that working hard mindset. I studied business things for my upcoming finance class like all summer. Pretty much staying alone. Focusing, enjoying life. But I also discovered SKYPE skyping with men became a regular thing. I didn’t care really I thought it’s whatever just something to get me off. I need too right!
10th grade: I had a good year. Grades were good. I was still jerking off all the time when I had gotten home from school. But I had gotten honor roll, life SEEMED and APPEARED to be great! I met the first girl who did sexual things with me. Just second base no big deal but it was great. We never had anything else happen. Quit wrestling played baseball instead loved it so much more, which I had already knew since I’ve been playing since I was 5. I also began a lifting program it was great bigger stronger. Felt good. During this summer I started only training 4 days a week. Every wed was a fucking PMOathon. Nobody was home so at the time it was just great. I had gotten into Instagram to which is where I met her. Her? Oh the the she devil, that I let ruin the first half of my junior year. I’ll explain, I met this girl on Instagram. We had talked for a couple weeks, and she agreed to hang out, she picked me up. And we drove around with her and her friend. I recall seeing her eyes in the mirror feeling something I never felt before. It was the closest thing to magic I could picture. I had grew feelings. I think the next day possibly, I asked her out she told me we should get to know each other more. Well okay. The next week I had attended her birthday party. Head over heels for this girl, I didn’t PMO for 3 whole days up to it. Just subconsciously, but before I went I jerked off in the shower due to my extreme anxiety leading up to it. I had bought her a stuffed monkey and candy. I wanted her to like me so bad. At her party, I showed up trying to present well and give her the gift. As her friends arrived, her ex boyfriend showed up and her best guy friend. I was enraged! I had insecurities and jealousy flowing from all areas of my being. I was shaking. I was tense quiet. And just jealous and bitter. She was sitting with them. Then I had found out that her and her ex had, had sex 2 weeks prior. And I had yet to have sex ever so I just was so so so jealous. I was possessive. I told her to sit with me. After the part she knew I was jealous. But we talked and looking back on it I was just a puppy dog. We had made out and I was happy then. But when I went home I was still so jealous. I spent the next month shut down from the world sad trying to win her love. Wanting her to date me. Her just stringing me along. I wanted her so bad.
11th grade Dark Days: As time passes I had gotten over it, I began to grow detached I met a different girl but she had to not talk for a month or so. But the first girl still went to homecoming me, I then fell back into love with her. Jealousy it all came back so fast. I fell almost darker then I was before. One night I laid in bed with a tight chest, anxiety flowing, tears streaming. I decided I would jerk off. What I felt, was indescribable I’ll never forget it, it was like “ahhh” it felt like my chest released everything felt empty and numb for a while. And it started I became so reliant on PMO anytime I got stressed, got home from school, did anything good, I would jerk off to porn or on skype or omegle etc. I looked so miserable in my school picture. I always have people clown me about how mad I looked and all I can say is yeah I was. I had cut off the first girl. The next girl I told her I didn’t want anything serious, after sitting and talking to her bitchass dad for 3 hours. I don’t regret that all. She was a prude ass freshmen and her dad was a bitchboy so.. Lol. From then on decided I’m having a good time, I’m having sex. A week later I lost my virginity to the fuckin skank of my town. It was gross. But that’s what I wanted so who cares. I was careless tired depressed and pissed. I went 40 minutes without cuming, damn right, no condom, and I thought this was cool. I eventually dropped her. Found a different girl, same girl I met in 10th grade. Had sex with her, and had ED for first time ever. Couldn’t really get hard at first but I did. Then I never saw her, other then in school again. That was in Dec 23. I did that for validation. So I could tell people. On New Years, we were supposed to chill again, but she blew me off. I was pissed at that fucking slut. On New Years Eve I met yet another girl at a family party, we made out on the couch. I fucked her like a week later. I took a virginity also. She became attached to me. I didn’t want anything serious so we just fucked. EVERY single Friday ill early March. I had struggled with PIED with her also a lot. I basically turned this chick out I made her my own personal whore. It’s pretty fucked up. I began to feel like the life was being taken out of me in January actually. Looking back on it. I was pretty dead inside through that whole period. I began to get scared because s couple times she wanted to stay and cuddle. I began to feel to strapped to this bitch. I started to talk to her less and less, during all of this period I was literally PMOing my life away. On skype, porn everything. I mean I still was lifting a lot but I made sure to dedicate at least an hour to it a day. I convinced it was fur relaxation. Till one day I jerked off twice with no porn, before working out. When I finished my second time. It was like I woke up, what the fuck am I doing? I just made a conscious decision from there on. I new I had a problem, I was time to abstain. I went 5 days. Had sex with that girl, then the next day I blew it. Chaser effect got me I jerked off. I felt pretty guilty. But I just knew how good I felt. I recall looking at myself in the mirror during my withdrawals at how tired I looked. After that slip up. I did 10 days clean, then I had sex with that girl. Next day I lost my streak to Skype sex. I cut that girl off she was holding me back. She deserves someone less selfish and I couldn’t provide her a relationship so adios. Oh my god!! Damn! Fuck!! It hurt so bad. I knew I had a serious problem. I was watching porn and edging during that whole streak too. Ahh God damn!!! Wtf!! Alright I’m done, no more slip ups I know now. This was a bumpy ride. The urges were brutal but I held out I knew what I wanted most. On day 14 I beat up my stepdad. The testosterone began to flow. I had mood swings like crazy, insane withdrawals. Very serious down points. One suicidal moment. But a lot of euphoric moments to. But the I arose a king.
I have made it to 90 days PMO free!!!! I have never in my life been happier. Junior year is over and so is all that PMO clouded life that I’ve been fed. I’m done I took a stand. IM standing taller then ever. It’s crazy. My life has changed so much. My relationship with my mom has improved. My lifting improved. I’m more mentally clear. I can look people in the eyes. It’s such a better life; I am not depressed in the slightest. Every day I awake in optimism. I love NOFAP!! So I conclude my story, I am now on my way to a great senior year. I am taking a hiatus from people this summer. In order to change some things. So some more self reflection. Conquer my addiction completely and just be the best I can be I don’t intend on stopping NoFap anytime soon. It’s part of my life, I live NoFap.
If you read all this thanks a lot, I hope for those of you struggling this inspires you to get kick started. Good luck all my brothers and friends here at NoFap reddit who have been supportive and so helpful. Thanks for reading have a great day S/O to /u/Bama70
LINK – 90 days!! My story WARNING long post
by Tjr3535
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