I started fapping around the age of 14, however I watched very few porn. I relied mostly on fetishes inherited from my childhood to get aroused. And as time went on, they became nastier and nastier, and the internet surely helped this trend.
Around the age of 15, I was masturbating thrice a week. I was the lonely kid I have always been throughout my school years. I had one true friend, but we didn’t see each other often. People ignored me, despised me, and mocked me. I did not really know how to socialize with kids my age, and my family couldn’t understand why as my shyness instantly disappeared around adults. I was like the most talkative and interested kid they knew, they all loved me (a Chinese man I spoke with for only an hour offered me out of the blue fine Chinese presents a year later, and even invited me to China!). I couldn’t understand this paradox either.
And so I found refuge on the internet. I began video gaming and watching videos on youtube. At this point porn kicked in, and my fantasies were offered a whole new playground. At the age of 16, I was masturbating once a day, and had never kissed a girl. I was wasting my life, and disliked myself so much I had a depression that would continue on and off for the two following years. I considered suicide at times.
But my 16th year was also the year I graduated from High School. It proved to be a game changer. Being a smart kid, I entered a famed boarding school, and I was competing against thousands of other smart kids. I now had to work harder than ever before. The competition put a huge pressure on my shoulders, more than I thought I could bear. So I gave up.
Fortunately, my sister was very supportive, and pushed me through the hard times. So I did not give up my school, nor my work. I gave up the internet instead. And God knows it was a relief! Also, I made really good friends. Great people who helped me a lot!
Less fortunately, I was still fapping once a day. I had social anxiety and depression. A brain fog shrouded my mind, not helping with intellectual efficiency. I eventually caught the train, although at the rear. I started working harder.
At the end of the first term, I was lagging behind the best, as it took me a long time to acquire efficient working methods (which are still not optimal today). But I was on the upswing. Not for long. Summer brought back laziness and the internet, and porn. I wasted a month of American holidays in August to fapping and homework I hadn’t done in July. I can now swear all websites on Earth aren’t worth the USA. I was taught a lesson.
At the start of the second and last term, I worked harder than ever, slowly making it to the top of my class. I was fapping four times a week though, to fetishes as the internet was gone again. And I was still internet binging on every holiday.
I had just turned 18 when the unexpected struck me. I fell in love with a girl. That was 6 months ago.
From that point, I knew I needed to change. I became ashamed of my fantasies. I tried to fap less as I felt it was harming my social abilities. However, I couldn’t find any evidence, so I kept relapsing. I cried in bed like a baby. Even worse, I didn’t believe in myself. Final exams were fast approaching, and I was convinced I was worthless and would fail miserably. These were the hardest times in my life.
After two months, I had a conversation with some cousins, and we ended up talking masturbation. I realized I was masturbating way too much compared to most people, and that I would be seen as a dirty guy if someone knew. It was the slight push I needed to embark on nofap.
Final exams were then two weeks ahead. I sketched a plan to progressively quit fapping. I would fap once the next week, then two weeks later, eventually fapping once a month. This meant I would not fap during my final exams.
Guess what? I stuck to the plan and thrashed the exams!
However, we had a two week break right after. I relapsed a week earlier than intended. I started to binge. For the first time in two years, I was intensively searching for porn, real porn with naked people and lots of sex. All my resolutions were ready to crumble.
I found NoFap in the most ironic way ever: I was looking for fapping material on Reddit. (I initially thought NoFap was a challenge not to fap to the sexiest pictures ever). You guys saved my life, I will never be thankful enough.
It opened my eyes. I knew right away the 11th May 2015 was to be the last time I would ever fap.
Thus my NoFap journey really began. The first days were the hardest. I learned to fight urges. I endorsed new hobbies, went walking several kilometers a day with my camera and brought back great pictures. My confidence soared. I was able to start conversations with complete strangers in public parks. I decided to go shopping (my wardrobe needed a lift), and for the first time felt confident and decided in a store. I eventually bought beautiful clothes that would prove helpful in the future.
At school, we were preparing other exams that were to take place in July. I had never felt so good just being myself. I stopped worrying about my look; I stopped worrying about what people think of me. Every day I made sure I left my room at peace with myself. Although I couldn’t feel any ‘superpowers’ yet, I knew I was doing it right.
Three weeks into NoFap I finally got the guts to confess to the girl I loved. She – oh so kindly! – turned me down as she already had a boyfriend. I felt happy anyway.
A month ago I was back home. Strong urges came back, and I nearly relapsed. I was to study hard, alone at home, with the internet. I endorsed this new challenge the best I could. Old demons kept coming back, my efficiency suffered from it. Seeing no one during the day is a huge factor of relapse. I stood strong on fapping, although I went reading erotic stories. I did not count this as a relapse, since it was the first time I was in such a situation on NoFap. Rather than blaming myself, I preferred to learn from these mistakes. You stand no chance if you don’t know your enemy; it was unfair to reset my badge.
I discovered /r/NoSurf , and gave it a try. I sincerely believe internet addiction is as big of a problem as fapping addiction. I found NoSurf much harder than NoFap, and the community was too small to provide all of the help I needed. It helped anyway.
And so I went on with my other exams, in a different place full of new people. All it took for the ‘superpowers’ to kick in was a journey to the unknown. I became the man I had hidden all this time. The smart, confident, joyful spirit people love talking to. The insatiable mind attracted to discovery and foreignness. The guy who truly is at home when complete stranger.
I there endorsed two keystone habits. I sleep from 22:00 to 6:20 every single day. /r/WakeUpCall helped me achieve this. And I take cold showers every day.
At that point, pretty girls began flirting with me. I made new friends in minutes by talking to strangers. I got invited at parties and to faraway countries.
But most importantly, I finally believed in myself. I was aware of my abilities, and my confidence went through the roof. Nothing was stopping me, not even failure. I destroyed the second exams and entered the school of my dreams.
Now here I am, 90 days into my NoFap journey, and enjoying my new life. The future seems so exciting, and I know I am bound for success. I am ready to onslaught every obstacle; I’ve learnt not to give up.
Stay strong everyone!
TL;DR : After the storm comes the rainbow. Thank you for helping me live my dream.
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