First off, a little about myself. I’m a 27 year old male software developer living in Las Vegas. I’m a bit of a rarer case on NoFap since I generally wasn’t having any trouble with women when I started, at least not that I realized. I didn’t have sex until I was 20 because I sort of lacked interest.
But then once I started I had an appetite of sorts and it just sort of spiraled into what I later recognized as being out of control. To put this in perspective: I slept with a former Maxim model and the experience was almost traumatizing, because I realized that the lengths to which I went to get her in bed were so uncharacteristic of who I wanted to be… even if I didn’t try to deceive her or manipulate her, I basically drove myself crazy trying to get her and when I finally did, it was immensely underwhelming. I spent a day or two following that experience wondering how many of my day to day actions were influenced by the desire for sexual release… and how that hunger made me almost a different person… someone I didn’t like being.
I started researching and eventually found NoFap. I signed on for a 90 day run but managed to pass 100 on my first try. I’m extremely methodical and so while I know a lot of people don’t think that’s possible on a first run, just know that I have no reason to lie to you. I made it to 101 and broke, then started back up a few days later after a long relapse where I convinced myself I didn’t need NoFap anymore. Made it to over 500 on my second run…. dated a wonderful girl, fell in love, ended up relapsing on New Years day after a big fight with her… again took a break from NoFap before I started my latest run which just passed a year. That girl and I eventually ended things for good, but that’s a sad story for another day.
During my time, I’ve felt the changes that NoFap was creating in me. I was always confident, but my fear that was always under the surface fell away when I realized that sex is an activity any two consenting adults can choose to enjoy together, and it should be viewed as such… not as a game to be won or lost. I was already attractive to women, but I learned to like how I look. I was already good socially, but I learned to be a social rock star and help my friends release their own inhibitions socially as well.
I realized that relationships in modern day culture are built on dozens and dozens (if not hundreds) of very untrue preconceptions of what makes up a proper relationship. Sex is supposed to be viewed a certain way, as is desire. If someone expects a very specific stereotype of a relationship and they don’t get it, they’ll think they are getting less than they are supposed to be… it’s just built in to us by way of societal pressures… we live our lives not realizing we should be deciding what we want instead of being told. It’s a frustrating problem once recognized because people will fight tooth and nail to convince themselves that the norm is what they want, even when their own actions prove otherwise. I still have yet to really solve this problem… very few people I talk to about it even understand what I really mean.
I never did NoFap Hard Mode. From the very beginning, I had it easy because women tend to line up to spend time with me. I apologize if this comes off as bragging… I just want to be clear and honest and it’s the truth. I’m making this post though because a year into this run, I don’t feel like easy mode is enough for me. I still find myself taking actions that a clear-headed me (the me that exists immediately after sexual release) would find ridiculous, just so that I can have sex. I put up with people acting inappropriately or being inconsiderate. I test boundaries in a way that I’m beginning to realize might be interpreted as me not respecting said boundaries (really I just find it hard to determine what a woman wants and does not want…). I fill my schedule up with time spent with girls I might sleep with while putting my real friends behind in priority… it’s not alright and I want to be better.
I don’t know if I can do Hard Mode. After a few days without release, I honestly don’t even feel like I’m the same person. I feel like there’s a desire building in me every day, reaching out tendrils to different parts of my mind and tugging, making small decisions that build into big decisions that I normally would know better than to take… until that energy is released by way of those choices. I feel that if I try Hard Mode, that side of me will be who I become during my run… that force will be tugging at me no matter how hard I push back, and it will drive me insane. I’m almost to the point where I’m considering seeing a therapist about the possibility that I’m a sex addict…
For anyone who hasn’t started NoFap or is at the beginning of their journey, I just want you to know that I’m not in any way trying to dissuade anyone from NoFap. This journey has shown me so much, and I would never wish to revert back to who I was before it. I’m just trying to say that I don’t know if there’s ever really an end to this journey, and you should recognize that from the beginning. We are all humans, forever flawed by our very nature. Improvement isn’t a destination to be reached… there will always be more to do. This journey is about recognizing how very flawed we are and fixing whatever we can for as long as we can manage.
Yesterday I posted this thread, a short and sweet shout-out to you guys on my one year anniversary of starting my current run. I was out with friends and the subject came up… so when I checked my counter and saw it was a year, I decided to just drop a line but I didn’t really flesh it out. I don’t really have a way to wrap this up. I’m just sort of babbling really. I spent last night unable to sleep, sitting up thinking about all sorts of things and this is just one of many things I had the chance to focus on. I hope you all know that I’m around if you need someone to talk to, though I can’t even pretend I’ve got it all figured out. Stay strong, and know that we are all in this together.
LINK – A year in review
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