is that I only learnt about it a couple of months ago. I seriously wish that I had known the damage that porn can cause on the hearts, the lives and the minds of young men (myself included) years before this moment.
If I had have known of this amazing Subreddit ten, five, or even one year ago, my life would be so much better than what it has been and I would not have had to suffer the way I have suffered. I would not have had to feel so worthless, so empty and so dead inside.
I can’t believe that after years of asking; “What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I so weird?” “Why can’t I concentrate?” “Why do I give up so easily?” “Why am I so paper thin?” “Why am I such a loser?” That the answer was simply “Because of PMO.”
I just want to thank each and every one of you (yes you, the guy reading this) for having the courage to share your experiences, your insights, your knowledge, your success stories and more importantly your failures to help me make my life worth living. I see a lot of posts saying “I hope I can change at least one life with what I’m saying.” I can assure you that you have changed a life; mine.
I know most of you have probably already said to yourself “TL;DR” and stopped reading, but if you could keep reading my story it would mean a lot to me, because I have so much I need to get off my chest and this is really my only outlet.
My Story My earliest memory is when I was three years old. My father was taken to jail after physically assaulting my mother. I didn’t really understand what was happening, all I knew was that there were these men who were taking my Dad away. My mother has told me she wasn’t the same person after this incident.
Fast forward to when I was 12 years old that’s when I discovered pornography for the first time. I didn’t have broadband internet back then, but the pictures of naked women and people having sex were enough to get me excited. I actually remember one day I got suspended from school for bringing a porno magazine to school and showing it to all the kids. Someone obviously narked on me and in retrospect, I’m kinda glad they did.
My High School years got worse in my first year of High School (13 years old) my Grandma passed away, which also had a devestating effect on my already depressed mother. She was already fairly broken after the incident with my father, but this sent her into a spiraling depression that she has still yet to recover from. I kept in contact with my Dad, who honestly isn’t a bad person. However since he lived in New Zealand and I lived in Australia, I never spent time with him and I’ve never known him as a Dad; he’s always just been like an older friend who I see once a year.
Fourteen years old is when high speed internet porn came into my life and I instantly fell in love with it. A lot of people say that they used PMO because they were blocking something out, which I may have been doing unconsciously, but the real reason I became hooked is because I enjoyed it so much. Every day after school I would sit down in front of my computer and fap. My favorite genre at that time was girl on girl (boy, did that drastically change.)
I went through high school as a surly, anti-social, overly aggressive under achiever. I would get into fights all the time, I was bullied constantly, I would cause trouble with teachers and be disruptive in class. I got terrible grades and I was terrible person. I gained friends because due to being so depressed I had developed a sense of humour and my no fucks given attitude to school work seemed kinda cool to people. I had friends and thought I was pretty popular, but that was a lie. I was just a clown for all of my friends back then, someone they could get a cheap laugh out of. Nothing more. By the time I was 16 I was drinking heavily on a regular basis and of course I was fapping in excess of three times a day. It was at this time I began to contemplate killing myself.
By Eighteen I had started to develop severe anxiety to the point I could barely leave my house and subsequently had to drop out of school. I had long ago alienated myself from my fake friends after being too aggressive, too drunk and just generally too much of an asshole to be around. I had sex for the first time at 18 and it took a while to get an erection and when I did finally get one, it wasn’t as hard as it was when I fapped to porn. I chalked this up to just being a case of old whiskey dick, years later it’s obvious I was suffering from PIED. I had a girlfriend at this time who still remains the only woman I’ve ever truly loved, however I never expressed how much I loved her, in fact; I was a complete cunt to her. She rightfully dumped my sorry ass and left me for some other guy. With no qualifications, no future prospects, no friends and now the only girl I’ve loved out of my life, I overdosed on sleeping pills.
It was only by chance that I survived the ordeal, my mother came home early and found me unconscious on the bathroom floor. I assume she called an ambulance and when I came to, I was in a hospital bed with an IV drip in my arm. I was committed to a psyche ward for exactly one month and was kept under surveillance until I “got better.”
Fast forward to my twenties. My mother and I had a tumultuous relationship at this point. I hadn’t found a job and I spent most of my time drinking and smoking weed. I found a job at a Take Away restaurant but was soon fired for simply just fucking things up. My mother, fed up with me, kicked me out of home.
I moved in with a girl out in the country whose parents said I could stay with her. We were in a relationship, but honestly, I did not care for her at all. Her parents were away on holiday at the time so we had a whole place to ourselves. I didn’t work or study or do anything at this time. All I did was drink, smoke weed, PMO and mooch off of and use my pretend girlfriend. My girlfriend at the time was suicidal and whilst I was living with her, she decided to slash her own wrists and attempt to take her own life. I took her the hospital and tried to comfort her as best as I could. It was the only time I showed any sort of love or affection towards her. Her parents came back a few days later and blamed me for her suicide attempt. They also said I could no longer stay at their house. At the time I hated them for this, but now I certainly can’t deny that I was a contributing factor.
I was now homeless with no job, no money, nowhere to sleep, no friends, no family to talk to, no hope, no will to live. I moved into a crisis accommodation where most juvenile offenders would end up after they left juvenile detention. It was hell. Eventually I got a job in factory and found a room to rent. Every week I constantly fucked up at my job and every week my housemate would abuse me for “being a lazy fuck who didn’t clean up after himself.” I let everybody abuse me at this point because I simply agreed with them, I was pathetic and they were simply stating the truth about me. I was eventually fired from that job and evicted from that household.
By 23 my luck turned around. I found a well paying job (telemarketer; hey, it was money) and moved in with some cool housemates. At this point I could say I was happy, but only briefly. I began to feel depressed again and attempted to nullify my depression with excessive alcohol, copious amounts of weed, cheap prostitutes and of course; PMO. I made new friends at this time but like before I lost all of them due to my erractic and anti-social behaviour; I would become too drunk, and too violent. I had managed to save up about 15 grand, which I eventually spent entirely on weed, hookers, strippers and alcohol. Everyone I knew hated me. I quit my job and didn’t work for three months, this is where I my PMO addiction really went into sixth gear (8 sessions a day).
By 24 I weighed 110kg after being a fairly skinny guy for most of my life (sat around 80-85) and at this time I moved to China to teach English and escape all of my problems. By this time my depression got worse, because I no longer felt depressed, I felt content with my shitty life “It doesn’t matter, we all die anyway.” I said to myself. “In 100 years no one will remember anyway.” This line was the only thing that made me feel good about life; being a nihilist was my only way of coping. I limited myself so much; I had a job I hated and at this time I found a girlfriend I didn’t really love, but I, being delusional, said to myself “I’m okay with this. This is as good as it will get for me, there’s no point in worrying, fuck it, fuck the world, fuck everybody, fuck everything, fuck life, fuck life, fuck life, fuck me.” I was soon fired from my job as an English teacher for calling someone a cunt and breaking a chair because they messed up my salary. My temper was out of control. Being fired from being an English teacher is a humbling experience to say the least; the biggest dopes on the planet are steadily employed in ESL teaching abroad and they were now considered higher than me.
Three months ago I found No fap after a friend told me “ejaculation and excessive masturbation can make you weaker.” I am extremely weak and of course a compulsive masturbator and I wondered “is there a connection?” but I soon dismissed it as bullshit. I had always been taught that masturbation was healthy. I soon came across a book called “Choke” by Chuck Palanhuik (great author btw) and funnily enough it’s a story about a guy who has a sex addiction. There is also a character in the book (the protagonists best friend) who is a compulsive masturbator “Get the fuck out.” I said to myself. I googled “negative effects of compulsive masturbation” and ultimately it led me to your brain on porn and of course this subreddit. Reading Your brain on porn was like being smacked in the face with a wet fish. Every single negative aspect of PMO applied to me. I remember sitting there, mouth agape, jaw damn near hitting my chest in shock whispering to myself “This is me, this describes me perfectly. I am sick, I need help.”
In the past couple of months I found a new job which I enjoy (teaching English to adults.) and I have applied to University. I broke up with my girlfriend who I didn’t love. It was tough because she was honestly the kindest person I had ever met, but honestly she was simultaneously very abusive and high maintenance, something I now longer tolerate from people. I’ve started saving money again (about 2000 AUD) and I’m feeling full of energy.
Benefits -Falling asleep easier, waking up easier. -Increased confidence and self esteem. -Energy like a rabbit on Meth. -Clearer skin. -Goal oriented and ambitious. -Standing up for myself. _forgiving myself. -Loving myself. -Beleiving in myself -Sex life is 1000 times better (just had the most fantastic sex with a girl I met recently.) -Better placement of fucks (ie giving a fuck about things that are important and vice versa.) -Stronger connection to my friends. -More willingness to get out and live. -No desire to drink or smoke weed. -Pursued a girl recently and had a date with her. Told her I like her and she said she likes me back (she doesn’t wanna rush things). -Women seem like people now, I actually want to talk with them, not just fuck them.
And all of this has happened after a 38 day streak (can’t wait until 90, can’t wait until 900 actually.)
Apologies for the long post and apologies if this seems overly dramatic, but I needed to get this off of my chest, I needed some sort of catharsis. I’ve never told anyone my entire life story before, I’ve never vented this, ever. Right now I’m crying profusely, and I’m glad I’m crying, because I know it means I’m becoming human again, I’m finally in touch with my emotions, with myself and the world around me once again.
THE ONLY ADVICE I WILL GIVE TO YOU If you are young (in school/university) DO NOT FAP. Do not suffer the way i suffered, do not waste your years on PMO. Get a degree, find a passion, get a career started, find a hot babe who you’re madly in love with who you can fuck with the power of a thousand raging dragons yet treat her as delicately as feather wrapped in silk, make money, fuck the haters, live life the way you want to live and leave a corpse behind that reeks of pure madcuntery (yes, I invent words now because of No fap, fuck you.)
And to anyone who is older, your time is not over, you still have so much time left to change. Make that change and live the life you deserve to live and inspire your children to become the men they want to be.
I’m 25 yet I feel like I’m only just becoming a man. I spent so long being a victim, I’m not a victim anymore; I’m a survivor. Failure is not an option from now on out.
Thank you Fapstronauts, much love to each and every one of you.
[REPLY to question about how he did it]:
I took baby steps and forgave myself for relapsing. When I started I could barely go a day without PMO, but I cherished every day I went without it and told myself I was slowly healing. No one has ever quit an addiction without relapsing, I think acknowledging this is is important.
Also, distracting myself by going on long walks helped too. I think PMO is as much a psychological habit as it is a chemical dependency, so I needed to change my habits i.e if I’m bored, go running, if I’m alone, go meet people instead of doing what I mainly do; fap.
LINK – The biggest problem I have with No fap.
by SaucyJack09
I had none of this prior to Nofap.
I know most guys on here list all of their “Super Powers” that they’ve gained from No Fap, but I haven’t gained any super powers. I’m finally just a normal, functioning, happy guy after one year of dramatically reducing my porn consumption.
I’ve felt insane withdrawals; crying, irrational anger, sleepless nights, insane headaches, depression, feelings of hopelessness and I’ve relapsed more than I care to count, but it has all been more than worth it.
Just by reducing my porn consumption, I’ve been able to lead a better life.
Thanks everybody and good luck on your journey.
I don’t know how long my current streak is, I don’t actually care either. Every time I kept coming here to No fap and obsessing about my streak, it would just make the whole thing more agonizing.
I think people here demonize relapsing far too much. Sure, you shouldn’t be doing it, but having one wank a month isn’t going to kill you and having one a month is better than having five a day. That 26 days you’re talking about,that averages out to about 12 relapses a year, that’s 353 days were you weren’t PMOing, trust me, that is helping you tremendously. My point being, fuck the streak, fuck the counter and don’t stress too much man.
26 now. Started [porn] very young (12-13). I’m Australian.
UPDATE – It’s so weird how much better my life is when I’m not watching porn.
Every problem I had was associated with my excessive consumption of porn. My acne, my depression, my anxiety, my failures with women, my lack of enjoyment for life’s simplest pleasures, my HOCD, sexual dysfunctions; it was all due to my porn use. The change I go through when I’m on a long streak is like day and night. I’m more calm, more patient, more attentive, make better decisions, more attractive to women, more social and just all around better. I’m getting good grades at university, have a girlfriend, have a job that I enjoy and feel happy. It’s surprising to me that all of this has happened just because I’m not watching porn.
Ps. Today I hit my longest streak (174).
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