Today was the first day in a while where I woke up in a good mood…If you read my previous post, I was kind of a mess dealing with physical symptoms of delusion, anxiety, depression, rage, libidolessness and the overall fun of a deep flatline.
But something started happening yesterday that I found to be very cathartic; I openly revisited old painful memories that have haunted me for a long time and started to consciously examine them from an external perspective, rather than remembering them from my own perspective (which usually results in a repeat of the trauma). It felt like I was actually ‘changing my mind’ about what had happened, I searched for the lessons involved in my experiences and fell asleep and slept quite well.
This morning I woke up and seemed to continue ‘changing my mind’, which resulted in a smile and a willingness to get out of bed. It made me happiest to align a good day with the 90 day mark, as most of my reboot has been spent in darkness, isolation and pain.
Today I’m supposed to be going to the doctors to get a referral to see an NHS appointed therapist, but I’m not sure I need one anymore. I initially thought of seeing someone because I was suffering from a delusion of an infestation in my house, mixed with constant anxiety and anger, but these symptoms just seemed to be a part of my difficult recovery process. I spent around 4 weeks with an intense itching whenever I went to bed and it would keep me awake for most of the night, but I found out that my granddad also becomes very itchy when he is extremely anxious and spent months with this problem until it was resolved.
It’s incredible the changes that can be made to a person’s life by simply removing a mass accepted form of self-abuse and self-destruction. I’ve been through so much in the past 90 days, many times I thought someone was going to have me committed, and I know I have more recovery to go through which is fine, because I don’t have a specific number of days I want to get through…this is life now and at some point it will be more good than bad.
To those just starting out or struggling the best advice I can give to you is to remember your life as it was and your reasons for giving up P in the first place… dwell on those feelings, write them down if you have to, feel the pain of remembering them and know that you never have to feel that way again.
Know that any darkness that you find yourself walking through during your reboot will have a light at the end of it, that it may take you longer than most to get to it, but the fact that it’s there means that it is attainable as long as you never give up.
Stay strong, stay clean. RR
LINK – Day 90 – Hope.
45 DAYS EARLIER – Day 43 – My Second [and more effective] Reboot so far…
This is my second time going through a full reboot. I successfully rebooted last year and then had a bad relapse in April of this year after I had a break up… And due to different circumstances, I have found this reboot to be much more effective in terms of solving a lot of lingering psychological issues that weren’t resolved in the first reboot.
In the first reboot, I was probably 30 days into it and then started having insane amounts of sex. I noticed a lot of physical changes during that reboot, in which I became more assertive, my hair thickened out a little, my complexion cleared up, I got a lot more attention from women… it was pretty cool. I did have a brief flatline in which I could not get fully hard to have sex, it was kind of an 70% erection, but it was enough to engage in sex and that took around 3 weeks to pass… I never felt depressed because I was with my ‘dream girl’ at the time.
I was clean from May 2014 to April 2015.
My flatline this time started around day 10 and the usual symptoms crept in; dead dick, no motivation, crippling depression and panic attacks. With the depression, a lot of past problems that I had repressed bubbled up and I found myself lying in bed in the afternoon crying and then instantly feeling like I could let those issues go much easier.
I’m having dreams on a nightly basis that are dealing with my last break up, but I am also having vivid dreams where I am flying which is pretty epic.
Over the past 2 weeks with the sensation of steadily improving consciousness, I have felt and am currently feeling more emotion than I can ever remember experiencing, which has come with an insane amount of rage and anger. The past 5 days or so have been strange, I started having pains in my kidneys, lower back, PC, bladder and I went to the doctors and explained my situation, to which he put me on some antibiotics for prostatitis and I’ll be honest, the symptoms got better but they would flare up a lot at night when I felt anxious.
Which brings me to today, my cat jumped on my shoulder and accidentally stabbed me with a claw, I grabbed her put her on the sofa and I realized what my kidney/back/PC/bladder pain was being caused by… tension. I was pissed off beyond all reason and it had to come out, so I went up to my bedroom lay down and did everything I could to get the anger out without hurting or destroying anything. Oh what do you know, my symptoms reduced dramatically. Don’t get me wrong, there is still pain and I am still angry, but now I know I can let it out and process it instead of repressing it, which was causing me physical pain.
So I’m 43 days in, and I’m currently standing at my desk feeling more anger surface and its a good thing. If anyone is reading this and having a tough time with their flatline or Nofap in general, take my advice;
Never, ever, repress or stifle yourself or your emotions for the sake of putting on a plastic mask for the world to see. Express yourself freely in every single way possible, regardless of anybody else’s morality or opinions. This is your present moment, so live in it the way you want to and leave all past failures and exaggerated future anxieties aside, they are just stories that you tell yourself and they don’t matter. You were born to be fucking awesome, so be your version of fucking awesome.
tl;dr – Feeling more, especially anger… when angry, let it out… be awesome!
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