The only thing that worked for me was finally admitting I am a sex addict, that this will be a long term recovery, and that I need to treat it like rehab.
I think of it as a home rehab like recovering from any other heavy narcotics. What do I mean by that? It means I don’t try to push myself to be busy all the time, I let myself lay in bed and nap and rest and recover. I try to clear off my schedule for this healing as much as possible. And most importantly, I go to online recovery meetings every day and talk to a sponsor.
This sobriety thing has been such a radical shift in my life.
I’m writing this message from the same room I was scared to enter because I’d always relapse – this was my “acting out” room in the house, full of awful memories. I hated this room. And now I meditate here, I light incense and do my recovery readings.
I’m no longer running from myself, afraid of my own skin or my own thoughts. I try to take things a day at a time, and accept that I have limitations now. And that’s ok!! Like a diabetic that can’t have sugar. In rehab right now I cannot:
– go on any social media
– read or watch anything political / news
– call or talk to ex gfs
– use any chat apps I can act out on easily
– be in my pajamas or have pants off lounging at home (it’s all pants all the time here)
– go to the beach
– do performance art
– watch violent or R rated movies / shows
– scroll or use Netflix (DVDs only and some known online youtube stuff)
and some others. That’s a lengthy list…and in the past I could easily fall in to self-pity and boo-hoo for me that I cannot do these things, right now. It’s not necessarily permanent. It’s important not to “future trip” in recovery.
But what about the rewards?
– Panic attacks (which were 2-3 times a day and horrible) are quite rare now, and manageable
– anhedonia is gone – I enjoy music and art and nature and meditation again
– Sleep is awesome, even in my tough circumstance. I no longer have the constant nightmares and edging dreams
– No more suicidal ideation. This was huge. I look forward to each day and actually want to be alive (what???)
– little or no rashes and fungal infections in my crotch like before
– no longer afraid to shower (because it always led to relapse)
– more confident in public and talking to women now
– feeling “dateable” and not “damaged goods.” (Ironically, because I am honest about being an addict, instead of keeping up the “perfect guy” facade)
– am reconnecting with my spirituality and feeling rooted in this planet
– am setting healthier boundaries with my time and other people (valuing myself)
– am much more available emotionally to my friends so I have
– much, much more connection in my life. which means–
– chronic loneliness is way, way down. I don’t do the self-pity thing or feel like I’m “missing out”
– I’m not fearful and paranoid all the time, hiding my computers and stinky paper towels and socks
– I’m not afraid of technology and triggers as much (because now I have tools to manage them)
– I’m getting a LOT more done, ironically, by wanting to control things less
– more financially stable because I’m not sabotaging my own life all the time
There’s a lot more but that’s already a long list.
So yeah, there are sacrifices. There is Steps Work that I have to do. There are meetings and calls. I don’t always want to do that stuff. But hey – it has given me my life back and is keeping me sane and sober. It is a bargain. I remember looking at spending $1,000s for NoFap coaches and stuff. Luckily, 12 steps is all free. It’s amazing. But nothing against paying for stuff either.
Hope some of my journey can help someone. I’m still pretty early in recovery, but if I can make it to 2025 with this much sobriety, that would be fantastic.
Most importantly:
I can feel my brain changing and adapting to healthier patterns. My brain in recovery cannot comprehend my brain in sobriety. I have to trust the process and take it a day at a time
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