As it has been exactly a year I would like to share my inner thoughts about this addiction as it hopefully might be helpful to someone out there. Cause we are all here to help each other, right?
Long story short, I wanted to change something in my life after the break-up with a two-year gf of mine. The first four months were really amazing. I was not a big deal for me at all, I just made the decision to focus on my life and create this image that porn does not even exist so there is nothing to bother. It was something I had never experienced before in my life. I did not touch my genitals at all. I felt great, I was more self-confident, I could easly concentrate on my studying or during classes at my uni. My brain was so much brighter generally speaking. Every two weeks or so I had wet dreams, which was really weird to me at the beginning but I got used to it. I knew this was the part of abstinence. I can say these were the best four months of my life in terms of self-esteem and interpersonal skills. I even signed up for the gym in February.
But then in April I relapsed. I found out my ex gf dated this new guy and I gave in to porn for the first time. First of many as it soon turned out. I tried to escape reality so much I could not control myself. That is the key to every addiction. You try to escape reality. Every single time I told myself this was the last time, but it was not. I was constantly falling deeper and deeper into the web of addiction. I knew it was worse and worse but I could not control myself. It was my little-big secret that nobody knew about. I was still pretty outgoing and hang out with friends a lot but it was not the same. I was less self-confident and I could not keep the eye contact as I used to during my four-month abstinence. In August I ended up fapping to gay porn. Yeah.
Porn addiction is the neverending vortex of triggers that you seek in order to feed your brain. The more you fap the less triggers stimulate you. Not only visual triggers, but phisical too. That is why I often cummed with no erection. My brain became so insensitive with harder and harder triggers. I felt like shit and I really reached the bottom.
But then I met my ex gf again in Spetember. We decided to get back together. I knew I could not hurt myself anymore and had to change for her. I think she is the biggest trigger for me. It is kind of funny that in my journey all the milestones I guess are the result of some outer events. To be honest I became afraid of the possibility that I might not satisfy her as a lover. I observed how negative impact porn had had on me and my sexuality that I knew I need to stop it. She has been more open to the idea of having sex ever since we got back together so I know that this might happen in a few months’ time so I want to be ready. And yes, I am a virgin and so is she. Do not get me wrong, it is not that I do it only for her, I do it first and foremost for myself because I know how much I will benefit for it in my everyday life, not only in the potential sexual life that I might start with my gf.
To sum up, my thoughts are that you have to avoid big up and downs so you keep yourself balanced. For me personally this first year of nofap was like a rollercoaster. Now I hope to travel through the plain and I know it is gonna be a lot of traps on the way. These days there is nudity everywhere, public life is so filled with sex so we have to be strong not to fall for it. I know that everyday is a test.
Last but not least, what really helps me is an Excel spreadsheet where I keep all my data and try to keep my numbers very, very low, one masturbation with no porn a week is the maximum for me. I found this really, really helpful. Abstinence is not the most important in my opinion, what really matters is repairing your brain from redundant triggers.
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