TL;DR: Took part in NoFap journey, got in touch with my emotions, especially regret, want to improve my life because of past fuckups
I am on my NoFap journey for about 69 days in total. I made relapses, I made short streaks (17, 14 and the last one 20 days). I am currently on day 4 again and having stronger will more than ever.
I tested multiple things during my journey. I took peeks on porn, I watched less nfsw content. But I started to realize how silly porn actually is. I realized that I no longer want to be part of this endless habit I was daily practicing since… 10? I am now 11 years older and since January I unlocked something else apart from the realization of porn and NoFap benefits.
It’s emotions. Yes, you read that right, emotions. For years I was numbed by masturbating daily, I was empty, surviving corpse that would go to school, go home, waste his time on PC and fap. Every day.
I was numbed to the extent that I was unable to see what is important at what is not. Thanks to my recent NoFap streaks during January, February and part of March, as well as thanks to relapses and reading on this subreddit I know I will give up on porn as whole.
I want a real girl, I want real intimacy, real sex. I want emotions, experiences. I want to be part of the reality, not to live in an delusional world that existed because of the numbness.
For last month I am emotionally unstable. I began to cry often, I started to drown in negativity, I triggered my depression. One might say it’s weird, but it’s was here all the time, hidden behind the numbness.
If it wasn’t for NoFap I wouldn’t ever see how bad habit it is and what it caused.
Last week I took part in an social event that was quite important to me. And I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could because of relapses prior to this event.
The day after everyone was sharing photos of how they were having fun. And then it hitted me – regret.
This is what NoFap unlocked for me, this emotion. I was blind for all the years. For last three or four days I sometimes cry while thinking about my past fuckups. About things I didn’t do and should. About my regrets. And it hurts. The depression is also worse because of it.
I’ve got a long journey in front of me to take before I will be able to get over my past regrets.
And I don’t know how to get past them. Accepting them is hard, I know I should focus on getting a better life since I see things clearly now, but I’m kinda stuck.
It’s just matter of time. I will get there.
But I also got a question for you guys.
Do you think that this thing I described is true?
That NoFap helped me to get in touch with my emotions again?
Also, could the depression be some kind of reaction to NoFap?
I really like this community and I hope to provide a new report once I’m past my newest goal – 50 days straight.
I hope this post will be useful to someone.
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