This last year has been a trial for me. I found myself engaging in a parental role, in a relationship with a long time friend who had a daughter. Before I had become involved in this relationship, I was in a pit of depression for a long time. I relied on porn to kill time and get me through my days. I saw some rather extreme stuff. Tame as well. Overall, a mixed bag of deviance.
Live action gigantic women, cartoon goddesses, ridiculous scenarios, vague age and incestuous cartoons, grotesque caricatures of the human figure. I was isolated, I felt alone, and I used porn as an outlet. Pornography numbed me to a lot of the realities of the world around me. I was an addict, who struggled with negative mentality.
When I entered this relationship, I was not in the best state, mentally. I thought that I would be able to cope with my issues, and that they would not affect my life, our lives. Unfortunately, I have the displeasure of having a randomized, flashback-y memory. I will sometimes remember the most obscure, disturbing, ridiculous thoughts and dwell on them. One night, I had a dream about being uncomfortable around the daughter. This later manifested into actual discomfort during waking hours. I tried to explain to my girlfriend at the time why I was so disturbed, and I brought up the stuff that I had seen. I did not know how to react, and move forward, and it destroyed that relationship. I felt horrible for what I had done, and in a way, dehumanized.
I decided to rebuild my life, I took a new job, found myself a fiance, and this coming month, we will be moving in together. I have found a stable and understanding partner who has helped me deal with my issues, my fears, and my addiction.
Sometime after the original relationship faltered, I was able to get back in touch and had a better time explaining my situation. It was hard for both of us to do, but I still feel and felt accountable for the guilt and difficulties that I have endured, because of the situation. I am tired of holding myself accountable. I also have this ex in one of my school classes, so every week, I boldly go to class, despite my discomfort and fear. However, I am no longer as afraid as I once was, and I do suspect that my love and dedication to my fiance has had a great hand in keeping myself together.
Long story short. Pornography had a grip on my life for far too long, it caused me to doubt myself, made me feel insecure about who I was, and who I could care about. I created a world of fantasy and avoidance, and shirked away my life over a trivial addiction. I had a broken heart, and an anguished mind. I still have my bad days, but they are less now. I found love, happiness and most of all, trust. I have a compassionate fiance who has stuck with me through the worst of it all, and we have come out stronger for it.
She is the reason that I quit porn, and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner to reap the benefits. I still have moments where the curiosity of pornography is there, but I am strong enough to quell those thoughts, and I am strong enough to ride out my fears and anxieties. I might feel shaky sometimes, but I will gladly take that measure of control, than allow myself to default to addiction.
I want you to know, that no matter how life affects you, it is possible to find your own way. It will not be easy, comfortable, or enjoyable. However, it will be your life, and you are responsible for making something out of it. All I can say is, find a way, something that works for you, and keep working with it, until it starts to work with you. Brighter days to come.
LINK – 3 Months and Counting.
by Mr. X
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