For ten years until the age of twenty I was a hardcore porn wanker. I’ve jacked off thousands and thousands and thousands of times. When I started as a boy of around ten I couldn’t even cum, I would orgasm but nothing would come out the end. That’s how young I was.
Anyway, initially porn was amazing I would be turned on by all the girls on the screen and would get an erection just looking at it. Then as the years passed (maybe it was four or five) I no longer got hard until I started to actually physically wank. And I would cum very quickly compared to when I began, maybe in around ten seconds, (sometimes without a full erection.)
As a result I would wank in short bursts trying to prolong the pleasure as long as I could, sometimes for hours on end (think about how terrible this is for the brain.) I was not helped by the sex education at my school that told us that masturbation was normal and healthy. At around the age of fourteen I used to get turned on by looking at the real girls around me. Looking at their asses etc. I fantasised a little (a healthy thing for a young man.)
Just under two years later I recall this had entirely ceased and I was no longer stimulated by real girls at all. It’s strange, I cannot recall an exact moment when each of these gargantuan changes took place, it all happened slowly and gradually so that like the frog being boiled alive I barely took notice.
By eighteen I had not fucked a real girl, and had reached the point of not even being remotely fulfilled by watching porn. It left me feeling dirty and barely excited me. The only things that gave me a slight turn on were fetish scenes like stepdaughter/stepsister or stepmom. Like the addict I continued in miserable dependency.
I began to notice some disturbing drug addict like reactions to porn that were clearly not healthy or natural and clearly would never have been stimulated by a normal girl – ever. As soon as I turned on the computer and got it onto PornHub my teeth would begin to chatter, my body might tremble a little, and my heart would start to race, some precum would come out of the end of my completely flaccid penis, and I would noticeably begin to salivate.
I lived from eighteen to twenty as a non-sexual. Jacking off to porn I had lost any semblance of humanity, and though I continued with it (more sporadically now due to lack of arousal capacity,) It felt like shit. I was a virgin and had become very conscious of this as well. It limited the number and types of social occasions and jobs I felt comfortable with.
By this point aged twenty, I had had enough of being a virgin, and I decided I was going to leave the country for France (where I would essentially be the stranger from a strange land and could more easily socialise.) I had seen these pickup artists online doing something called daygame, where you talk to girls during the daytime and get their numbers. I was determined to muster the courage to do this and to get good at it.
I figured Paris – the city of love – would be the best place in the world for picking up girls on the streets and so I rode there on my motorcycle to start a new life. After a week or so I found a couple jobs in restaurants and started working. I was staying with a guy in a small studio apartment so the jacking off stopped pretty much by necessity.
After a couple months once I had my living stuation in order, I finally mustered up the courage to do my first full day of approaching (I approached fifty girls and got one number.) I continued with this daily and on the third day had a very promising interaction with a cute Peruvian tourist girl. I invited her out for coffee two days later, took her to a second venue and then next thing I know was walking her back to my studio holding hands. I got inside and after a few minutes started kissing her. She was lying on top of me and then I took her shirt off (you can see where this is going.) I felt my penis throughout this having a very porn like reaction (semi flaccid, a bit of precum) anyway it came to the point where she was undoing my trousers about to give me head – and all I had was a semi! I told her to get me hard and with her hand she kind of did, but my erection would go quickly back to a semi once she stopped giving it attention. So that when it came to the time to penetrate her I had great difficulty (it was more than a little embarrassing.) But hell I’d come to France to lose my virginity and I wasn’t about to give up easily. I finally forced it in and after maybe five thrusts, a pause, and then five more I came! I, a man of twenty years old, for the first time making love to an attractive young lady, had performed like an old man.
This caused me more than a little consternation, I had last watched porn more than a month before this encounter.
I went online looking for solutions and found this site, I read up on how to quit and did. I continued with the daygame and had sex with four girls in Paris. After this, I went to Ukraine where I made love to two more. They began to get prettier. And though (now four months on from my last porn viewing) I was still not performing perfectly like a pornstar, I was improving both my ability to hold an erection and I was able to thrust for much longer, sometimes periods of minutes! I was feeling more and more confident and better and more wholesome as a man.
Then I went home.
I had nearly run out of money and needed to earn some more. This was a problem as I live on a farm and it would be difficult for me to find girls like I had done before, or even to occupy myself! I had been home over a month without finding a job, and then two weeks ago, I found myself on Pornhub just out of curiosity and boredom… As I gazed at the search results on the screen, I felt the old reaction, salivating, trembling, a weak voice in my head told me to stop, that this was a terrible idea. A bigger voice said the little voice didn’t matter. Boom, I had a wank, and after seven months of not watching porn, it felt really terrible. All that work had been reduced to nothing. My self esteem, my wholesomeness, my improved erection and sexual performance all had been levelled to the ground. And I was the same loser as before.
I repeated this five times over the next twelve odd hours.
And now having regained control and resolution. I begin my detox again well aware that this time it may take me even longer.
HOW THIS COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED –
All I can now do is try to look at how this tragedy occurred, so that maybe one of you out there might benefit from my tragic mistake.
1. The devil makes work for idle hands – I should have tried harder to remain in a big city where I could have continued to socialise. Returning to the same idle life isolated and uninspired on the farm. Is what led to this.
2. It all starts with a thought – Don’t even think about porn, or old porn scenes, out of curiosity or boredom. Don’t even fantasise about having sex with a real girl, if you have no avenue to actually do so. I did this the morning before my relapse and it undoubtedly raised my appetite and inclination.
CLOSING NOTES AND SPECULATIONS ON THE EFFECTS OF PORN –
I’m now making plans to leave this country again, this time for Poland. I’m going to try hard to re-establish a stimulating lifestyle involving real girls. I’m determined after this horrible experience not to relapse ever again. The day before my relapse was the best I’ve ever felt in terms of virility and masculinity.
I believe and have done for a while now, that the scope of the effects of porn use on my scale go far beyond just the sexual or social. I’ve had immense trouble sticking at anything in life and often get bored or find it difficult to achieve steady satisfaction from one career, activity or place. Perhaps this is in part just my nature, but I think it far more likely that this is down to constant overstimulation of the reward centres of my brain over the twenty one odd years of my life. First with video games as a young boy and then with pornography.
I couldn’t help but thinking after my final wank just how evil and insidious porn is. Porn is evil. Perhaps not intentionally so. But taken for what it is and judged on it’s actions and effects it’s terrible and devastating. What’s a man left with if you rob him of his youth? His ability to make love to a woman? His concentration and his strength? Very little is the answer.
Now I embark, not for seven months but for a lifetime of porn abstinence.
If you are interested in daygame check out this video, it’s from Yad – the founder. On his site: daygame.com he has loads of free instructional videos on how to start approaching women. His story is inspiring and I hope it helps you
My Story – Twenty Year Old Virgin Porn Wanker, to 6 Girls in 3 Months
BY – braincleanser
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