Let me start off by saying that I’ve been masturbating to porn for 8 years. Either it was once a day, twice a day, or more. I was one of those people that escalated to more and more extreme things. I’ve masturbated to gay things within the last few years, and it was only until two months ago my mind asked itself, “Am I gay?” This caused a lot of anxiety and OCD to happen. I still have this, but not to the degree I used to have it.
If anyone’s experiencing something like this, my best advice would be to quit porn. I’ve fought off the anxiety by doing the thing that made me the most anxious; telling myself that I was gay. I forced myself to sit down and think about gay sexual thoughts. And yes, they aroused me a lot for the first week. But, in these recent 3 weeks, I’ve noticed these thoughts have become a LOT LESS arousing. I can still get aroused by them, but it takes effort. If you’re confused about who you are, you should ask yourself, “Did I ever have these feelings before watching porn?” As I sit here typing this, a little anxiety is hitting me. But a few weeks ago it was incredibly bad.
I’d advise anyone who’s going through something similar to meditate, quit porn, and distract themselves with an activity. Also, don’t fight thoughts. Seriously, don’t.
This doesn’t have to do with sexual orientation. It has to do with porn and how it INFLUENCES US. The brain has plasticity. It changes over the time. I whole heartedly believe people are born the way they are. My story is like many others who struggle with “HOCD.” Although, this term is coined wrong, it is basically obsessing over if one is gay or not. Likewise, there are cases where gay people can get “SOCD” or obsess compulsively about being straight.
Why is this a problem? It’s a problem simply because these thoughts cause major anxiety and do not align with our true nature. Here’s my story. All my life, I’ve been into women. I can count 30 crushes I’ve had in the past on women in my head. My earliest crush was on Tinkerbell when I was only 6 years old. That was back when I didn’t know anything about love. Throughout all of those years and up through middle school, high school, until now. I have not had a single crush, or any sexual feelings for any men I knew.
See the problem? During a lot of this time, I was masturbating to pornography. I became interested in more taboo things, my tastes escalated and escalated. At first, it started out with soft pictures, then lesbian porn, then some really dark and heavy material I do not wish to list. This past year, and a few other times in the past, I masturbated to gay thoughts. It was only a few months ago where I stopped and asked myself, “Am I gay?” That’s when things spiraled out of control.
People often say, “it’s not good to repress your feelings!” This statement is true, but I have not repressed anything. I have actively engaged in these sexual thoughts, not in real life, but in my head which have calmed them down. I have forced myself to call myself gay which brought about gay anxiety. I’ve read and watched stories written by people who were gay. This sort of exposure is called ERP therapy which is used to relieve anxiety in OCD patients. By doing these things, you will calm the fear that comes with intrusive thoughts. And, yes. They’ve been working.
As posted in the OP post, these thoughts do not bring anxiety or much arousal anymore. The excitement of them has faded away almost completely. So, what brought about this excitement in the first place? Take a guess. Maybe, it’s because I’m actually gay or bisexual even though I have never had feelings for any men in the past. Or, maybe it was brought about something else. Perhaps something I exposed myself to that was new and something I haven’t seen before. My adventurous nature didn’t mix well with this. I grew up in an accepting household, everyone around where I live is liberal. There is no discrimination around where I live. Let me just clear this up. Also, it does not take a person over 15 years to discover what gender their sexually attracted to. Let’s take a look at some research done by peer reviewed studies and documents and how the brain changes when it is exposed to pornography.
During new exposure, dopamine is important tool in whether this new exposure is something worth pursuing or not. Dopamine is an active chemical in your brain that is released when we experience joy. During adolescence and crucial learning periods, we are exposed to new things in which our brain responds differently. After years of desensitization due to porn, dopamine in our brain will fire off after watching new material.
This however, is not the case for everyone. I just want to establish that. That’s why, you have people that don’t escalate in porn use, and those who do. Just like some people can drink in moderation, and some people can’t. An interesting thing to read up on is the porn that females prefer to watch. Many females report liking lesbian porn. Here was a small discussion on it. https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/23ny9b/i_am_straight_f_25_but_only_watch_lesbian_porn/
There is barely any research on sexual orientation and porn. As it is all relatively new. However, I just listed the effects that porn has on you. Me, and many other people who have suffered the effects from porn know how hard it is to deal with these. Porn can destroy the identity. Induced fetishes exist. How? They bring excitement when you seek out something new. But, over time, people report them dissipating as they do not cause the same excitement they used to. I can list you out a thousand more articles that explain how ejaculation and porn influence the brain. But, I hope you get the point.
sources: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3050060/ http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1995-44134-001 http://www.pnas.org/content/100/3/1405.full https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11252991 https://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/Pfaus_Sexual_Reward_2012.pdf
Also, a good video to check out on porn addiction made by ASAPScience https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ya67aLaaCc
LINK – Porn made me think I was gay
by jiezu
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