I would like to share my struggles, and I warn you, they are extremely messed up. But I want to be honest and I feel like there has been no-one I can talk to about this.
I got married in September to the sweetest, most wonderful woman in the entire world. She is 23 and I am 20. My wife and I had fooled around but we decided to wait until marriage to have full sex. She is so beautiful and I always found her very attractive. She was my first, and I was so excited, but very apprehensive for the wedding night.
The reason why will shock you. I have been watching porn at least twice a week since I was about 13. Initially, a simple picture of a naked woman would be…enough..but through the years it has taken more and more depravity to turn me on, and I watched more and more.
I thought it was harmless, and throughout the engagement I was still watching regularly. I watched random videos, all kinds of porn, and it seemed healthily distant. I knew it wasn’t real, and I was ok with that. Or so I thought. I told myself that I only watched because my then fiance and I had decided to wait, and that when we got married I would stop and we would ride off happily into the sexual sunset together.
A couple of weeks before the wedding, however, everything changed. I was browsing through porn videos, when I stumbled on a video that I couldn’t even believe. (This is the crazy part)
I started watching, and found myself incredibly turned on. Then I realised…the female actress looked exactly like my fiance’s younger sister!!! I told myself to change videos but something made me keep going. I was intrigued, curious..this was fun.
Keep in mind that I have always had a good relationship with the sister (she was 17 at the time), but I NEVER, and I swear NEVER, had seen her in that way before. This video changed that.
At first it was ok, I was a little weirded out by it all, but I still thought it was a little harmless fantasy that I wouldn’t think of again. However, 2 days after, I went to visit my fiance’s family, and when I looked at her sister I couldn’t stop thinking about the video. It sickened me, but I also found it fascinating.
A day or so later, I found myself at home masturbating again..and before I even realised I was back on the doppelganger video. I thought…crap…this is a problem. I turned off my computer and tried to get everything out of my mind, but I was utterly consumed by thoughts of the sister. I became idiotically infatuated.
Throughout the next few days, thoughts kept running through my head, oh gosh do I love her, is she the one for me, am I with the wrong sister, I can’t stop thinking about her etc. etc. Even though I knew deep down it was complete and utter LUST, it messed me up.
I fought with this stuff for the next week or so, but forced myself to not watch the video again. The wedding went ahead (it was so so beautiful), but on the wedding night, mid sex, lo and behold I start thinking about the video. At the time, I thought, I’m thinking about her sister, but since then I realised this was not the case.
I was thinking about an overly sexualised, idealised version of the sister. I had full on Madonna/Whore complex stuff going on. These struggles kept going for a couple of months, despite my best efforts to contain them. I kept masturbating into the marriage as the sex had been underwhelming(solely due to my problems). I tried to find ways to block myself from finding the video but in the heat of the moment I occasionally found myself on it.
3 months in to the marriage, we reached breaking point. Mid sex, I just stopped. I was feeling nothing. I told my wife I was tired, but I knew what I was feeling. Needless to say, she blamed herself, and that was extremely painful, when I knew the fault was all mine.
After that, I made a vow to myself to stay away from porn and masturbation of any kind. It was exceptionally hard at the beginning, but I have come through unscathed so far, and my sex life with my wife is great!! I have zero fantasies about the sister and I am back to having an almost older brother relationship with her.
What I’m really trying to say is that porn is destructive!!!! It doesn’t have to be as messed up as my story, but if you find someone in porn that looks like someone you know (quite possible), it can spiral horribly. Even if they don’t, the sexual idealisation of selfless sex-slave porn stars will wreck your REAL sex life.
TL;DR I’m so much better now that I forced myself to stop watching porn/masturbating. You might think little fantasies are harmless, but the devil is in the details and if you don’t stamp it out early, your marriage/relationship can be seriously affected!
(p.s. I’m sorry for my incoherent ramblings, I haven’t edited this post and it’s probably very disjointed. If you have any questions or want me to fill in any gaps just let me know!)
LINK – How porn & irrationality affected my young marriage
by jaysungreenn
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